Set you free
by LuckyStarPham
Summary: "If you can't love him the way he should be loved, set him free". Catherine sets Steve free because she thinks he's happy. How is she coping, how is Steve coping? Does setting each other free work for them?
1. Chapter 1

Before watching 707, I started begging my favourite authors to write some fictions, just as a back-up plan, in case we really don't like 707. We got one great #McRoll fiction from Njborba. I literally need good fictions to function, so thank you a great deal, Njborba!

Thank you, Paula, for taking your time and read through for me! You've always been a great help! Much love!

I still keep rewatching the ep and have a lot of my own interpretation. Just need to get it out of my own systems, but a review would be nice.

Thank you for reading!

* * *

 **SET YOU FREE**

 _ **-** LuckyStar Pham -_

"How are you holding up?"

"What? I'm fine."

"You know, you suck at being an actress. Thank God that you didn't choose to be an actress. Totally not good at it."

Silently, Doris passed a tissue package Catherine's way. Taking the box from Doris, Catherine tried to fake a smile, she sat down in the vacant seat next to Doris. She didn't even know how terrible she looked, and honestly, she didn't care. The past two days were nothing but an emotional roller coaster. Seeing Steve for the first time after a tough year, hearing his voice over the phone, hearing him asking her "You alright?" immediately, getting introduced to his "gir...". She didn't know if that nice girl was his girlfriend, but clearly, that's the way she introduced herself to her. During their very, very awkward conversation.

Catherine had never claimed Steve as her boyfriend. Both of them had never used the term. There was so much of history between them. Boyfriend-girlfriend never seemed to do their relationship justice.

Maybe that was the difference. This girl was special enough for Steve to call her his girlfriend. Maybe eventually, he found the right woman – someone who could offer him stability.

"Stability", Catherine didn't realize she whispered the word, that was something she could never offer him. Since the first day they met in the Academy. Back then, they didn't make any promise, but for some reason, God always brought them back to each other.

Except for this time.

Because finally, after all those years, he found what he needed. He worked a dangerous job, his life was complicated enough. He didn't need any shit from her. Maybe that's what this Lynn

He really moved on. She genuinely was happy for him.

But why does it have to be this painful? She wished she could just breathe a little bit easier. She wished this pain could just stop for a little while. She wished the tears could just go away.

But none of her wishes became true.

"Catherine, if you want to talk, I'm here. If you want some privacy, I can leave", Doris offered. Seeing Catherine suffer reminded her of herself years ago.

"No, stay. I could use some company. It's nice. I don't want to be alone", Catherine offered a weak smile, even she was surprised a little bit to hear her trembling voice.

"Does it ever get easier for you?"

"What?"

"Leaving him. Because it sucks for me. Even breathing hurts."

"It doesn't get easier for me. It kills me every single time. I understand how you're feeling, Catherine. Been there, done that."

"I heard you joined the service. I didn't expect that. Why, Catherine, what happened?"

"Don't you think you're getting a bit personal? Not sure I'm comfortable talking about that right now", Catherine wiped the tears from her face. She joined the service, she respected Doris a great deal. Doris is a legend in the CIA, every new officer learnt about her through various stories. But Catherine had heard from Steve, 16 years worth of stories. She still held a grudge against the woman sitting right next to her even though she actually understood why Doris did what Doris did back then. Still, she just couldn't help but hold a grudge, with some attitude.

"Come on. I know that you love my son. I was 95% sure the first time I met you, I'm 10000% sure now. And I'm never wrong, you should know that..."

"Okay... maybe a rain check? I don't want to talk about it right now. Whatever happened, it's over. He found someone. I hope that works out for him. No, I know it works. I hope they will get there. One day," Catherine unconsciously looked at Doris's wedding ring, wondering how it felt to wear a wedding ring and how it felt to be introduced as Mrs. McGarrett. The proposal information started to sink in. She didn't have time to think about it during the mission.

She had a chance to build a life with him, but she had to go away before that happened.

Gosh, she couldn't believe how much pain she caused him... How come he still cared about her that much? He saved her life last year.

"This ring got me through every day, even the darkest time of my life, when I left John, when I heard he sent Steve and Mary away, when I heard he got hurt at work, when I heard he went to a date but decided to apologise to the girl instead and came home, when I heard he passed away... I kept tabs on him, I admit. No shame", Doris laughed and turned to look at Catherine.

Catherine was taken aback a bit, for the first time seeing this side of Doris. So vulnerable, so genuine. Just a woman in love. And in pain.

"Why did you leave him in the first place then? Were you forced?"

"No, I left of my own will."

"Why? They needed you. Steve was too young. He deserved to have a mother. He told me you were a really sweet mother when he was young, he kept bragging to his friends at elementary school that he had the coolest mom in the world. You took that away from him."

"Yes. And I will never forgive myself for that. But in my defence, I thought I was doing the right thing. I could've stayed with them, knowing one day, people who were looking for me would hurt my kids. John could defend himself, but what about Steve and Mary? Or I could leave, watching them from a distance, protecting them from a distance."

"John spent the rest of his life looking for you. Steve didn't have a normal family after you "died". Why didn't you at least try to contact them when Steve graduated from the Academy? He could take care of himself and Mary at that point."

"You're looking out for him, aren't you? I'm thankful that Steve has someone like you in his life, Catherine. When he grew up, things got more complicated than it used to be, I couldn't just come back... I know it sounds more like I'm making excuses. But at this point, I don't care what people think about me and my actions. The people I love are still alive and kicking, that's all I need."

"I just wish Steve didn't have to suffer so much... I couldn't stand seeing him suffer...". The first time Steve opened up to her about his mother, she had cried for him, in front of him, and with him. That was the first time Steve told her: "Thank you for your service, my therapy. I thank God every day to get to know you. I owe you". The first time he said he owed her. Ever since, it became their thing. Kind of "dirty joke" even. No one knew how meaningful that first time was.

So much memories came flooding back, Catherine felt her heart breaking as she sobbed softly. When they were together, and... so much... in love.

"If I had stayed, they could have died the next day, the next week, the next year... You would never know. I couldn't risk even the smallest possibility of that happening. I left, and John could live for another 17 years, Steve and Mary could have a future. Nothing is perfect. There wasn't any perfect choice for me. What I did was for them. I get that Steve and Mary hate me, but I know John didn't. I know him. Holding on to that single thing gave me strength to do whatever I was doing. For their safety."

"I wish you could tell Steve all of this."

"For what? He will never see from my point of view. He doesn't trust me."

"Trust needs to be earned, Doris. You can't expect him to just accept. He needs time. But don't give up on him! No matter how old he is, he still needs a mother. It's better late than never."

"And don't give up on my son, Catherine!", Doris, all of a sudden, held Catherine's hands, squeezing them tightly, eyes tearing up. "He can't lose you. He deserves to be happy. I know that there's no one who cares about my son more than you. I want him, and you, to be happy. You were right, he's already suffered so much. Why do you leave again, Catherine? Or why did you leave him in the first place, for that matter?"

* * *

What do you think the reason can be?


	2. Chapter 2

Hey, it is me again. Another chapter is up. My original plan was to write about the conversation Steve & Chin had on the plane back to Hawaii at the same time Doris & Catherine had the talk in the previous chapter, yet for some reason, I just couldn't find the inspiration. Instead, all the ideas about Cath/Doris kept coming to me.

My apologise for any English mistake. It isn't my first language & I feel unsecured about my writing skills in English all the time. Always struggle to express my thoughts in the way I want to. Anyway, I'm a bit too excited about this chapter, so I post it without having Paula being my beta. I suck at being creative, I don't know where this story will go, but I just want to focus on describing what is going through each character's mind. I invest a bit too much on the emotional side instead of coming up with a creative plot.

I've gotta say that normally, Steve McGarrett (the guy who is in love with Catherine, not the guy on the current season on the show) is my favourite character and writing about him (missing Catherine) is such a joy. However, this time, surprisingly, the conversation between Doris & Cath gives me so much joy and inspiration. I can't stop thinking about it.

Thank you, Peter Lenkov! Thank you, Doris & Catherine, for being awesome – at least to me!

I know I am probably the only one who loves Doris this much. I am doing my best to portray the best version of Doris! For some reason, I've always believed she is not a bad mother, after all, she just didn't have any choice.

* * *

 **\- SET YOU FREE -**

 _LuckyStarPham_

 **Chap 2:**

\- Doris's plane -

"I had no choice. The CIA said if I didn't accept the position, Steve would be arrested for killing a CIA agent – your old commanding officer, actually. I don't know if you know about it, but he killed him on the same day he and Danny were trapped in the collapsed building". Catherine couldn't forget that day – at some point, she really thought he couldn't make it and she would lose him forever, which she would never forgive herself for letting that thought pass by her head.

"No, I didn't know. Clearly, the CIA didn't feel the need to let me know of this", there was anger in Doris's voice. After everything she had done for CIA, this was everything they gave her back. Went after her son, separated her son and his soulmate. Doris didn't know spend time together with Steve and Catherine, but she could always tell, even from the very first time they met, how much this girl meant to her son, and vice versa.

"I'm pretty sure they would have followed through on their threat if I declined. There was no other way to protect Steve from this. So... I've had to do what I thought was best... to protect him. I guess we just weren't meant to be."

"You don't believe that!", Doris's heart clenched, hearing the uncertainty and vulnerability in Catherine's voice.

"Doris, he kept things from me. I didn't know about that until the CIA came to me. I was disappointed that he didn't trust me enough to confide in me. I started having my doubts about the... relationship... that we were having...". She wished Steve could tell her from the beginning and she wished things could be different. She wished for a lot of things, but none of that happened. And this shit, nevertheless, was actually happening.

"I know how much it hurts to be kept things from. There was too much of damage in our relationship, I honestly don't think we will ever go back to where we were. Both of us don't tell, both of us lie, both of us suck."

"You know what I think? It was for a good reason. I think he was trying to protect you from all this family's stuff. It was complicated, he probably thought that it was better to keep you from the whole thing with the CIA. You know, something runs in the family – he IS a McGarrett, after all. We care, we protect by pushing people away so they won't get hurt. His dad did the same thing, maybe Steve learnt it from John. Even though I'm not a good mom, I still can read my son, Catherine. I'm sure he cares about you too much to let you be involved. When you were trying to protect him, he was just doing the same thing. You two are just equally stubborn. Equally loving and caring."

"Ha. You know, thanks, I guess. It's really nice to hear this... from... you... I mean... I've never thought... we would sit down and... share this kind of thing. But thank you, Doris", Catherine sounded genuine, squeezing Doris's right hand, tears were at the edge of both women's eyes.

"We talk, we share, all because of one common thing: we both love Steve. Believe it or not, I don't love him less than you do. I just have a different way than you do. If I have to die for him, I will. I'm grateful that you're protecting him by doing this, but at the same time he's an adult now. He has the right to make a decision of whether he wants you to protect him or not. I took that decision away from him, because he was too young to decide, and I will never forgive myself for that. You only get one chance to live, and life is too short, we all work a dangerous job, we will never know if something happens tomorrow, if we live tomorrow. Don't waste your time, Catherine! You're not getting any younger. Neither is Steve. Whatever the damage is, fix it. No matter how hard it is, at least try!"

"Funny. It comes from THE Doris McGarrett", Catherine couldn't help it. 16 years of hearing about Doris from Steve didn't just magically vanish. "You should have done the same thing. For his sake."

"Really? You're still mocking me now? After the whole conversation that just happened?", Doris laughed, giving a moment for both of them to recover from an emotional moment, "We are talking about you and Steve. Don't try to turn this on me!"

"It's too late, Doris."

"When it comes to two people falling in love, nothing is too late. Love is powerful enough to fix anything, as long as you are brave enough to make the first move, to fix things."

"No. I lied to him. Again."

"Okay", Doris was clearly waiting for Catherine to explain.

"I told him they recruited me in Afghanistan. He assumed when I came back to Hawaii for Kono's wedding last year, I knew I would leave him again, which wasn't true. I... I didn't tell him the truth."

Catherine looked down to the floor, let that moment being replayed in her head.

" _Do me a favour. Tell me something."_

" _What's that?", Catherine's heart clenched when she heard Steve's voice, seeing clearly that he was struggling. Hearing the word "favour" from Steve's mouth reminded her of all the sweet memories in the past. That line was one of their things, those simple 4 words were powerful enough to warm her heart even in the worst time of her life. A lot of times, his "favour" ended up with them being in bed. Gosh, she didn't realize how much she missed that until that moment._

" _Are you happy? Doing what you're doing?"_

 _Catherine knew he was looking at her. She didn't dare to look back into his sad, blue eyes. She didn't know how she could even speak at this point._

" _Yeah, I am". Catherine felt like in that moment, she had to summon all the courage of her whole life in order to keep herself in check, to not shred any tear in front of him, to act like a cruel woman who crushed Steve's heart into pieces._

 _Her answer hurt her even more. She knew that by answering "Yes", it would be clearly the end of their relationship, and that was her own choice. She had no one to blame but herself. Maybe if she could just tell him the truth by saying "No, not really", and let him know everything, they could have started again. But Steve seemed to be in a good place right now, with his "girlfriend", Catherine just couldn't do it._

"He asked if I was happy. I told him I was happy being with CIA, doing what I was doing. I lied."

"Wow... That's..."

"I know, right... It was really bad. It wasn't technically a lie, it just wasn't the truth either. I am happy doing what I am doing, knowing what I do is to protect him from being in prison. I am happy that he can move on, that he can be happy with someone else. I am happy that...", Catherine didn't realize she was sobbing until Doris put some tissue in her hands.

"You're just trying to deceive yourself. You are making excuses."

"Yeah, maybe, but what can I do, Doris? I don't want to risk his career. What if the CIA really means what they said and will put him in a box for the rest of his life? They are not exactly the "ideal boss" to us, I'm sure they are very capable of doing it."

"I will talk to them. I still can't believe they leave me out of this whole thing. Damn it."

"Even if you talk to them, I'm not sure if it changes anything. I haven't told you this... When I came back to find him, he was... having dinner with this girl. Lynn. I interrupted them. At home", Catherine closed her eyes, taking some break, trying to calm herself down. Stepping inside his house was like stepping into the place she used to call "home". Truthfully, she never expected to see another woman.

"That's interesting! He cooked dinner for her?", Doris couldn't help herself but giggling.

"Yes. And for your information, he had never cooked dinner for me", Catherine shook her head, sighing deeply, letting out a wry smile.

"Well, that's probably a good thing. John and I never made it to dinner until we got married", Doris rolled her eyes, making a joke. Or maybe, it wasn't just a joke.

"Geez. Thanks! That's a bit too much information, Doris. Gosh, stop!"

"Did you two ever make it to dinner?", curiosity itched on Doris' tongue. She was always a curious mother who wanted to know everything, and she was never afraid to ask.

"Doris!", Catherine almost sounded like begging.

Doris let out an amusing chuckle. "Okay sorry, sorry. I am just curious. I've never got a chance to... you know... know my son. I wish I could give him some advice about dating and stuff when he was a teenager. He was 12, you know. Sometimes, I forget that he's almost 40 now. That sweet boy of mine..."

Catherine stared at Doris, speechless. She wished Steve could be here to see this side of Doris.

"Okay, sorry, continue."

"I told him that Lynn seems like a nice girl, I hope it works out for him. He deserves to be happy." Of course it wasn't a lie. "I do hope he can find the one who is meant to be, who can be a normal wife, who can build a normal, loving family with him", but a small part inside of her keeps yelling at her that she was such an idiot: why does she sacrifice this much for him and just expect him to move on from her and enjoy life with someone else?

"Isn't it unfair to me? That selfish part of me just wants him to keep holding on and keep waiting for me. Do I sound like an idiot?"

"No, you don't. I completely understand. Been there. Done that. I kept in touch with Joe White after I faked my death, he was pretty much like an older brother to me. I told him to convince John to move on, he needed a wife to love him and take care of the kids. Joe talked to him, John said he never expected to hear that from Joe, so they didn't talk to each other for a whole year. When I heard, I didn't know how to feel. That loyal man..."

"Maybe Steve isn't like John, after all."

"Did you ask if he's happy?"

Catherine paused for a second then shook her head slowly, "I didn't."

"Don't listen to your logical side. Ask your heart, listen to your heart: Does your heart tell you that Steve is happy without you in his life?"

"I don't know."

"I don't believe you don't know. I think you know he isn't, but you don't want to believe that."

"Maybe."

"I'm not blind, Catherine. I know he was looking at you when no one was looking. That intense look didn't change. It was just like the first time we met, it was too obvious not to notice. He thought he was stealthy. But I'm not only his mother, I'm also a CIA officer. I read people. When we were about to blow off the wall, he told you to find cover first. He stood next to you, turning his back to the explosion, trying to protect you if things went south. It's those little things that you might not even notice that tells me he's still in love. I wish you could see that, too. But both of you are too stubborn to admit your feelings. I don't want to see you make the same mistake that I did."

Catherine swallowed, struggled to keep her tears at bay, again, "What are you trying to tell me, Doris? I'm tired of breaking his heart, he's tired of being betrayed by me. This is real life. Sometimes, things just don't work out like the way we want. If that girl loves him more than I do and can give him what I deserve, why can't you accept it? As long as he is happy, nothing else matters, right?"

"But I know, his happiness is with you. You two are born to love each other. No other woman can understand and love him more than you. I'm sure if he knows the reason why you do everything you're doing; he will forgive you. What you two have... it's a real deal, you know that?"

"I guess I messed up. Doris, I failed."

"Failed what?"

"I made some promises to 3 McGarrett women. I failed all. I made a promise to Mary McGarrett, that I would "fix her stupid brother" – her words, I broke him instead; I made a promise to Deb McGarrett, that I would stick around to take care of Steve and Mary, I got away instead; I made a promise to you, Doris McGarrett, that I would not break his heart like you did, but I did, eventually, and repeatedly. Most importantly, I made a promise to him, that I would never leave him unless he told me to, but look at what have I done? I can't even forgive myself, how can he?"

"If he loves you enough, he can. His heart will find a way."

If Catherine had to be completely honest with herself, she would say that she knew Steve still loved her. That moment when they hugged, he didn't want to let her ago, she could hear the sound of his steady heartbeat along with her own. It was just like the good old days. She missed the feelings of being hold by his strong arms so much. For a moment, she thought they could get back together.

But CIA didn't allow that to happen. She hated them for that.

"Doris?", Catherine softly called the older woman.

"Yes?"

"Yes. I love him", Catherine let out her "secret" that she had been keeping for so long.

Doris looked at Catherine _,_ surprise was written all over her face.

"3 years ago, the first time we met, you asked me "Do you love my son?". I didn't answer back then. I hadn't even told him that I loved him at that point, I didn't want to say the word in front of anyone else before I told him, and truthfully, you kinda scared me. It was awkward. But right now, I just want to let you know that you gave birth to a wonderful son. I loved him. I have loved your son. I still love him, and will always, always love him! Even if he is not on my life anymore."

"Gosh, Catherine", Doris heard her own voice tremble, she reached out to hug Catherine, who was clearly losing the battle with her tears, as tightly as she could. Silence fell over them; two women silently hang on to each other like dear life.

Catherine was totally lost in her guilt, regret and sadness. She didn't tell Doris that Steve was going to propose before she left. That was something that she wanted to keep as a secret, at least for herself, for a little while. That was something for her to savour, to remind herself of the love she had lost. She imagined how things would have changed if Steve had proposed that morning, even in bed. That would be totally him. She would probably be the luckiest and happiest girl on earth.

She would probably wear a wedding ring now.

People would probably call her as Catherine McGarrett.

There she goes. The tears made their way down without too much of resistance. She couldn't count how much tear she had wasted on this plane. She hadn't cried much for the past whole year, she thought she had became a heartless woman, until she saw Steve.

Doris finally stood up, leaving Catherine some privacy. Catherine needed to let it out of her systems, and then some privacy, and Doris respected that. All of people, Doris understood exactly what Catherine was feeling and hurting. She wished there could be something she could do to make it better for Catherine.

And for her son, for that matter.

Doris dreamt about the day when she could comfort Steve, over anything. Anything. Or just be there for him. That was just a simple thing for any mom in this world, but it was always like a luxury to her.

When she reached the main room's door, Doris turned around, raised her voice in a much softer tone.

"Catherine?"

Catherine looked up, seeing Doris smiling at her. Tears were running down Doris's face. Doris McGarrett was such a beautiful woman. And she looked so much like Steve, which Catherine had never fully realized until this moment.

"I don't know if it means anything to you, I guess not, but I just wanna let you know. You have my blessings! Always! Since day one."

"Thank you! Really! I... really appreciate it!", Choking back her tears, she replied softly, she wasn't sure if Doris heard the gratefulness in her answer. She wished this conversation could be under another situation – where she was just Steve McGarrett's girlfriend, a Lieutenant in the US Navy instead of an international CIA spy, receiving a blessing from Steve's mom – Doris McGarrett instead of a "lying mother".

"If you still love him, I want to ask you one more time: Don't give up on my son! Fight for him! Come back to him!"

"We will see what happens after this. And Doris?"

"Yes?"

"You know what's funny?"

"What's funny?"

"I don't even talk to my mom this much", Catherine laughed softly, clearing the emotional vibe between them.

"Good to know. Thanks for opening up to me!"

Doris walked away, knowing from the bottom of her heart she needed to do something to bring these kids back together. Like the way thing was supposed to be.

* * *

What will happen next? Stay tuned!

Tell me what you think, I really enjoy reading comments!


	3. Chapter 3

_Hello there. Finally, some inspiration about Steve/Chin convo came to me. How I think of Steve/Chin, Steve/Danny and Steve/Lou might be OCC for some of you, but this is my interpretation about their relationships. Let me know what y'all think. Thank you for all the reviews for the previous chapter!_

 _I've always wanted to see more of Steve/Chin moments on the show, which they didn't have many (at least until 4.21). I'm too greedy, so yeah, there will be a lot of Steve/Chin in this chapter – the longest chapter so far._

 _I am not a Danny's fan, but if there is one reason that makes me love him, that must be he was always a McRoller on the show. Sometimes, the writers ruined him in my eyes, so I am trying to do his character justice – at least for me, personally. Danny Williams, thank you!_

 _ **PAULA, THANK YOU SO MUCH**! I'm so grateful for the opportunity of getting to know you! Thank you for always spending time for me! There is no word that can describe my appreciation!_

* * *

 **SET YOU FREE**

 _\- LuckyStar Pham -_

 **Chap 3:**

Meanwhile, on another plane back to Hawaii.

"You okay?"

Chin sat down next to Steve. He just came back from the bathroom. They all were in a civil plane back to Hawaii. He had silently observed Steve for a while and noticed how quiet and exhausted Steve has been since boarding. Given the circumstance, of course Chin understood, but it was really hard to watch Steve going through whatever he's going through. He gave Steve the time for him to do some reflection, but didn't want him to be alone. Whatever it was, Chin wanted to be there, to give Steve his total support.

Steve and Chin had developed a very special relationship over the years, which was very different from the relationship Steve had with Danny or Lou. Chin was very calmed and thoughtful, he never pushed Steve to either back down from his relationship with Catherine or jumping at any other women. Danny was a good friend, but his perception about love was never on the same page with how Steve thought of love, they couldn't really talk about relationship without arguing. Plus, he was always judging when it came to Catherine, especially after she decided to stay in Afghanistan. He didn't expect Danny to understand, he didn't need any negativity coming from Danny either, so Steve tended to avoid sharing things with Danny these days, especially whenever relationship was involved.

" _What are you doing, Steve?"_

" _Be more specific, Danny", Steve stopped what he was doing on his computer, looking at Danno who was clearly very angry for some reason he didn't know yet._

" _You're coping, I can see that. You and Lynn..."_

" _What happens between me and Lynn is my own business, I don't need you to act like my consultant. And what do you want me to do? When Catherine first left, what did you want? You wanted me to move on, which I couldn't, I just wanted to take my time. You wanted me to open my heart to other women, but I couldn't even try dating; and now, I am finally seeing someone, but you're still not happy. What do you want, Danny?"_

" _I want you to be happy. Yes. Like sincerely happy, not like this. But you're coping, in a very unhealthy way. Yes, I am very mad at how Catherine handled things, but that doesn't mean I hate her, which you seem to believe in. I know you both, I know how much you went through in the past, I know how deep your relationship with her was, I know how important the thing you two had was to you. I don't believe for one second that you've moved on from her."_

" _Stop, Danny, I..."_

" _No, listen to me, you idiot. Seeing Lynn or jumping into bed with a stranger on a plane doesn't make you move on from Catherine. Jumping into another relationship when your heart is clearly someone else's, when your head isn't on the game, is just like cheating. I know that we have a lot of disagreements on relationship, but please, trust me on this one. I want you to move on. I want you to reach the point where you don't have feelings for Cath anymore, and I want you to find the woman who can make you happy or happier than Cath did. That's what I want for you."_

" _I enjoyed my time with Lynn, she is good in bed", Steve couldn't believe he actually said that. It was probably the alcohol speaking, not him._

" _See, see. Look at the mirror, look at yourself, Steve. Do you even recognise yourself? Because truthfully, I don't". With that, Danny stormed out of his office. Steve had never seen him that angry before. He wondered what triggered all of this._

 _After about 5 seconds, Danny came back, which made Steve feel the need to mock him._

" _I thought you were done."_

 _Danny shrugged, "I have one more thing to say. If you are happy, if you are enjoying yourself like you said, show me that stupid smile on your face like the one you always wore whenever Cath was in town. Show me that stupid spring in your step that you got whenever you called her during the case to what, "ask for a favour" – you said and I quote. I really care about you, Steven, you're not only my friend, you are my brother. I know you're hurt, babe, I know you're suffering, I know you want to feel loved and cherished, but honestly, what you're doing... it isn't right."_

" _Are you done, Danno?"_

" _Yes, I am done."_

" _Are you tired?"_

" _Yes. That was quite a speech. Let me breathe first."_

" _Danno... Thanks. I really appreciate it."_

" _One more thing. Whether you believe it or not, I DO NOT hate Catherine. I might not understand what she did, I might be mad at her, no, furious at her", especially when Danny thought about the private conversation he had with Catherine on his favourite spot of the island – on the same day she left, "but it doesn't mean I hate her. I might sound judgemental, but that's because I care about you both. You two are equally honourable, and stubborn. If she hadn't been your girl, I would have definitely chased after her. That's how much I love her, okay? But I probably wasn't her type, so let's pretend I didn't just say that, okay?"_

 _Steve was indeed quite taken aback by the last thing Danny revealed to him._

On the other hand, Lou was completely different from Danny. He didn't know much about the history between Steve and Catherine, he always thought of Catherine as the reason he and Steve almost came to blows the first day they met. Lou was now his go-to guy whenever Steve wanted to talk about PSTD, because Lou seemed to understand, as it he had suffered from it at some point in his life. He was the one who constantly pushed Steve to get back in the "game", even though deep down inside, Steve knew he wasn't ready. But he didn't stop Lou who kept pushing, pushing and pushing. Steve had to admit, his ego was bruised pretty badly. He didn't want to turn down dating opportunities now. He was hurt, and he just wanted to convince everyone that he could live without Catherine.

Most importantly, out of all people, he wanted to convince himself, that he could live without her.

"Catherine" Catherine. The only woman he ever loved. The only woman he has ever been in love with.

The first time he and Lynn hung out, Lou was very supportive, to the point that Steve secretly resented him for that, but the need to be loved inside of Steve was much bigger. He wasn't good enough for Catherine, maybe he could be good enough for this girl. She seemed sexy, funny and cute. And she was absolutely nothing like Catherine.

Steve tried to play along with Lou over the "locker room talk". Sometimes, Steve was quite surprised – he had thought Lou had better respect for women – better than that. At the end of the day, Lou was happily married, and he loved his wife. Steve couldn't believe Lou actually called Lynn "weekend booty". It was so tempting to ask what would happen if a teenager boy used that on his daughter, but Steve knew better than to ever ask Lou that out loud, so he just kept silent.

He was just glad Lou didn't use that term for Catherine. At least not in front of him, or his team.

For these reasons, even though Lou was on the plane, Steve tried to avoid talking to him by picking the seat next to Chin. No sharing with Lou today. Not now, not about this. He knew Lou would ask about Lynn, about the dinner with her. Kono had told him that they actually called Lynn. He felt a bit uncomfortable knowing the team talked to her. He had always known that Lynn would not be in his future, that was the whole reason why he never introduced her to the team in the first place.

She just wasn't Catherine. She was just... "weekend booties". The one at the present. There are more to come.

"Who is this guy?", Steve asked himself, he had to admit he didn't feel like himself anymore. He used to be so serious about his relationship – Not like this. That was one of those things his father taught him when he was younger. Just before Doris was killed. No, faked her own death.

Steve lost himself after Catherine left, for the second time. She was the only one he had truly let in, but he couldn't hang on to her. He wasn't good enough, after all.

Steve was lost in his train of thoughts; he didn't notice Chin came back to his seat several minutes ago.

"You okay?", Chin repeated the question, concern was written clearly in his eyes. He had asked the younger man twice, but he seemed to be lost in his own world.

Steve enjoyed Chin's company a lot, he might be the only one who understood this kind of pain. Whenever they spent time together, they understood each other without too much of talking. Chin was like an older brother to Steve, he acted like his father sometimes. Chin was there when Catherine first left, never judging either Steve or Catherine, just making sure that Steve didn't have to drink alone, telling him some stories about John, about how John dealt with Doris's "death". Every so often, Steve was jealous of Chin because Chin got to spend more adult time with his father than he did.

Steve wasn't sure if he's ready to talk about this fresh wound to anyone, but all of a sudden, because Chin's there, he felt like talking. He needed to talk, needed to get it all out of his system. Everything was boiling up from inside, he was going to explode.

"She's working for the CIA."

"Yeah, I figure. I hope that works out for her."

"Are you mad at her?"

"Never say I was", Chin shrugged.

"Chin, I mean... you never said anything about Catherine; but you didn't even talk to her after you arrived."

"I said "You are Ohana", meaning both of you", Chin defended himself, he meant exactly what he said, "and maybe, I was a bit mad at her, well, actually, I was mad at her, not only because she left, but also because she didn't even take time to say Goodbye to me. I thought of her as my sister, so, yeah, I was mad. She actually texted Kono, but didn't text me."

"She texted Kono? What did she say?"

"She said "Take care of the boys for me", the same thing Kono said when she left with Adam. By "the boys", I assume she meant mostly "You"."

"Kono never told me", Steve sighed, feeling his heart clench.

"You were kind of avoiding using the "C" word since then, Kono figured it would be better not to talk about Catherine. We just played along as if she didn't exist anymore. I know she hurt you, big time. But I don't judge Catherine, I guess you would do the same if you were put in her shoes."

"Yeah. I would."

"When did they recruit her?"

"When she was in Afghanistan", Steve recalled the conversation with Catherine the day before when they were in the plane.

 _Catherine was talking to the pilot, giving out her instruction before returning to him. He could sense her presence, just like the good old days, but he didn't react, until he felt her hand touching his arm, squeezing slightly, asking him with concern, "You okay?"_

 _He completely lost it. A single touch from Cath and all his nervousness just disappeared. She hurt him badly, but the way her presence comforted him didn't change. Her effect on him was instant. He realized regardless of everything that happened, she was still his best friend. She calmed him, grounded him, comforted him like no one else did._

 _Although, she also broke his heart like no other woman could ever do._

" _Yeah", he whispered, was surprised to hear his own trembling voice. He couldn't help but feeling lost when she withdrew her hand. He wished that touch could last a little bit longer – her warmth on his arm. He wasn't sure how this would turn out. His head was full of thoughts, about his mom, about the woman sitting next to him. But at that very moment, he knew he would be okay, he felt safe, because Catherine was there._

 _Steve had a hard time looking at Catherine, though. Gosh, she looked even more beautiful than the last time he saw her. It was so difficult to look at her without thinking about kissing her lips or feeling the touch of her sweet embrace, which was totally ridiculous right now, considering everything had happened between them. It was just easier not to look at her at all._

" _I wanted to tell you. I did. You were the last person I ever wanted to lie to, Steve. And then when I found out what you did for me, and how... how you came through when my cover was almost blown, I... You saved my life", Steve could see that Catherine didn't cope with this any better than he did, but she was trying, and clearly struggling to find the words. Steve knew this conversation would break him once again, but he still wanted to hear the truth from her. He finally looked her in the eyes, his hands suddenly acting so awkwardly._

" _You would've done the same for me, Cath", her name rolled off his tongue so easily, it hurt. He had completely blocked her name from his mind, well, he tried to, and he tried really hard, but that was easier said than done. Saying her name still gave him this odd feeling – just a sense of happiness and a feeling of being safe. There was a time when every sound of her name, Catherine or Cath, was all he needed to get through a tough day. No, he shouldn't feel this way, after everything she had done to his heart. He didn't deserve this. He must be an idiot for still having feelings for her._

 _But damn it, for God's sake, he has loved this woman for most of his adult life. She was the only one who stuck around and put up with him for the last 16 years, through thick and thin, through ups and downs. She was the image that kept him safe, even until this day. He could never deny that. He just couldn't turn off his feelings after 16 years. He tried so hard to hate her, but none of his methods worked. There were tons of times in this past year, he wished that he was just a killing machine, so he didn't have to feel anything. No pain. No regret. No desire, no love for Catherine. But he was just a human being, a guy who had it bad for a girl, for 16 years. He couldn't remember the last time he didn't have any feelings for her, it sounded like his previous life. This moment, Steve still felt his heart beating so fast just sitting next to her, smelling her sweet scent, hearing her soft voice._

 _He really hated himself for being this helpless. Incurable._

" _When did they recruit you?"_

" _When I was in Afghanistan."_

" _Right, so, last year, when you came to Hawaii..."_

" _Yeah, yeah."_

" _Okay."_

 _It was just within seconds, but he felt like he died over and over again. He tried to recall the last time he was tortured at the hands of Wo Fat, trying to compare which one was more painful. The physical pain from Wo Fat was like nothing comparing to this. His heart was broken into thousand of pieces, he wondered if this wound would ever heal. He was about to propose to her, he still remembered how happy he was that week, and how much her decision destroyed him. His assumption was right, when she came back, she knew she would leave him again._

 _Who was this woman? She chose the exact same way Doris chose – keep lying and leaving. Where was his sweet Catherine Rollins who had vowed not to hurt him, under any circumstance, when they made love for the first time? That night, he started to trust her, opening up to her, welcoming her to this world – more than anyone else._

"Are you mad?", Chin hesitated to ask, clearly seeing that Steve was absorbed in his thought.

"Yes, I am. I am furious with this whole situation. I was furious that she chose her job over me. But... you know what's funny?", he hesitated, "I can forgive her now."

"That easy, huh?"

"Yeah. It's weird, right? It's like my brain tells me to hate her, but this", Steve pointed to his heart, "tells me to forgive her. And I think I will listen to my heart. I guess her answer reminds me that we're not meant to be. This is real life, shits happen. It's not like we can get whatever we want. I didn't want to lose my mom, my dad, Freddie, but I lost them all, for some reason. Now it's Cath. Maybe I'm cursed or something, maybe it's my destiny that I can't find my happiness".

"That is not true. No one deserves happiness more than you."

"Maybe I won't ever find another woman like her, ever, but I still gotta move on now, right? You went through the same thing with Malia, and look at where you are now. You met Leilani. You two seem serious, at least she isn't just a weekend booty", Steve let out a dry laugh, "I guess I will stick to that for now, you know, playing it safe."

"You know what they say? "When there is no love, there is no pain".

"Yeah, maybe. It's a wise quote."

"But I'm not sure if it's fair though, to be honest. It's not fair for you, it's not fair for Catherine, it's not fair for the new girl."

"And Catherine... She is happy. That's all that matters to me. That's all I need to hear", Steve tried to change to subject, he didn't want to discuss Lynn now. He was annoyed that she spilled the beans to Catherine about the proposal.

" _Do me a favour. Tell me something", Steve couldn't even look at Catherine. He knew that he needed to ask this question, he needed to know, but deep down inside, he wasn't sure he would like the answer._

" _What's that?"_

" _Are you happy? Doing what you're doing?" If she was, he at least would feel happy for her, but it would also break his heart all over again; but if she wasn't, then the pain they went through was for nothing. He didn't know which answer he wanted to hear more._

" _Yeah, I am"._

" _All right. It's good, it's good", Steve smiled at her, feeling bitter, yet genuinely happy to hear she's happy. He just wished he could make her happy as much as the CIA does._

"You asked her?"

"Yeah. When she left, she said that she wanted more than what a relationship could give her. She wanted to feel needed, she wanted to help people in need. She wanted to make a difference. That was probably a cover, but that might be also what she really wanted. I'm glad to hear that she's happy. She finally found her purpose, she probably lost it when she left the Navy. That's all I want for her. She said just because she wasn't on my life anymore, doesn't mean she doesn't still care about me. It worked both way, you know."

"She said she's happy? I don't know about that", Chin shrugged, recalling Catherine's eyes when she looked at Steve talking to his mom from distance earlier. He knew that look.

"What? What do you mean?", Steve asked, curiosity took over him.

"I mean... she still loves you, right? We all can see that, otherwise she doesn't need to risk her life for this mission, for your mother. And what else she can answer? Saying "No"? I think I know Catherine, she wouldn't say that. She thought she interrupted your dinner with Lynn... Even if she wasn't happy doing what she was doing, she would never admit it to you. She is setting you free. And you let her go, again, because you think by not asking her to stay, you respect her choice. You both care about each other too much. I wish you two kids could just communicate more, or maybe think for yourself a bit more."

"She hoped thing worked out for me and Lynn."

" _Lynn, she seems like a nice girl. I hope that works out. You deserve to be happy."_

 _Over the past year, he had heard that line for thousands of times. He deserved to be happy. But he let his only happiness get away from him. Catherine was the last person on earth he wanted to hear that from. That was the last straw, he felt sick in his stomach, his heart felt so heavy in his chest. He immediately closed the door, couldn't stand seeing her after she gave him her blessings. It hurt too much to look at her now, he could feel the tears pricking his eyelids. He knew Catherine, she wanted him to be happy, but it tore him inside to hear her telling him to spend his life with another woman._

 _But on reflection, he remembered him saying the exact same line: "Billy... he is a good guy. He is crazy about you. I hope that works out. You deserve to be happy". Turns out what she went through back then was this painful._

" _Billy... he is a solid guy. He loves you. I hope that works out. You deserve to be happy"._

 _Catherine looked at him questioningly, couldn't believe what she just heard. She didn't bother shedding the silent tears rolling down her whole face. Steve had never seen Catherine cry like that before, it broke him to his core. He couldn't stand it, so he turned around, fighting back his own battle of tears. Tears blurred his vision already, he hated it. He was so ready to walk away, and of all a sudden, he felt Catherine drawing him into a tight embrace from behind. The familiar warmth from her body was the last thing he needed at the moment, it comforted him on so many levels in the past, but right now, it made it more difficult for him to set her free. Her soft voice faltered, "Steve, you deserve to be happy, too. I just wish I could be your happiness."_

 _He didn't respond._

" _Just promise me. You will be careful. And happy, whenever you are."_

 _They broke up that day, but her whisper stayed in his heart all those years, echoing inside his head all the time. He wished he could be her happiness, too. Whenever the time was right._

 _But maybe, they weren't just meant to be. They tried, but they failed. In the past. And now._

 _He closed the door of the plane, closed the door to their future. It felt like putting an end to their relationship. Officially. He touched the plane, wasn't ready to let her go in his heart. He caressed the plane, as if it was Catherine. He longed to feel the warmth on her face, longed to touch her, to pull her in a deep kiss, but given their circumstance, he couldn't, and would probably never be able to do that. This would be the end. All memories of 16 years since the very first time he laid eyes on her flooded back in his mind, taking his breath away. Functioning at that moment suddenly became such a daunting task._

 _He tried to blink back the tears, finally letting it go. Letting her go. Letting the plane take away the two most important women in his life._

 _He walked away, walked to his team, and didn't look back. But he knew his heart was empty, again. His heart was numb, he wondered if he would ever feel anything again._

"Steve, Steve..."

"I'm sorry. I was just...", Steve came back to reality, turned to look at a worried Chin.

"It's okay. Take a rest. Get some sleep."

"What were you saying when you tried to call me?", Steve wiped his face, he's clearly worn out.

"I was just saying that I'm worried about Catherine."

"What? Why?"

"I mean, she is going against CIA this time, Steve. I don't know how this can ever work out. We not only discovered this black site, but also rescued a high-profile prisoner. I can imagine her boss won't be happy about this. I'm just wondering what's waiting for her after this. Will be there any consequences? And she just gets back to another assignment? That easy? Does CIA work that way?"

Steve was puzzled. He had his mind wrapped up, he didn't even think about that. All he could think since she left was about the status of their relationship. Steve felt stupid now. His mind was frantic with worry. Hopefully, nothing bad would happen to Catherine.

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Thanks for reading! A review, a though, anything... would be nice!


	4. Chapter 4

**Set you free**

 _\- LuckyStar Pham -_

* * *

 **Chapter 4:**

It felt like the longest flight in his life. Steve couldn't sleep, he kept thinking back about the past few days, starting from the moment he accepted the phone call from Catherine.

Steve hadn't seen Lynn in a while. The last time they went out, she accidentally referred to getting back to his house as "getting home", which took him aback, in a very weird way. That startled him, made him hesitate about the thing between him and Lynn. He wondered if they were on a same page regarding this "relationship". To him, she was just a "booty call", or a "weekend booty" (Lou's word), nothing more. Steve had never, ever, in his life, thought one day, he would think of any girl as his "sex toy", but that literally was exactly what Lynn was to him. He had always been so serious about love and relationship, but he was hurt, badly. He sincerely felt bad for her, and he knew it wasn't fair for them both, but he couldn't stop. He lost the best version of himself the moment Catherine left again, Steve finally admitted to himself.

After that dinner, he told Lynn that he was busy at work, and didn't sleep well at night, so he didn't want to bother her. Lynn, of course, totally bought his excuse, so they took a temporary break.

Steve couldn't help but comparing Lynn and Catherine.

Back then, when both he and Catherine were in the Navy, when they were stationed in different parts of the world, Catherine could always tell if he was struggling, even just in a phone call, or a text. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, he would receive a text or an audio message from Catherine, saying: "Hope you sleep well". She called him out immediately if he pretended to be okay. His life was pretty much naked in front of her. Steve always slept better with Catherine lying next to him, so close, so warming. That used to freak him out, but also comforted him in an amazing way. He didn't see that in Lynn, Lynn believed everything he told her, without questioning. She was too naive, too innocent, too shallow. She was someone he could have fun with, laugh with, but definitely not someone who he could count on when he suffered in life. In other words, deep down inside, Steve knew she wasn't the right woman. At least, not right for him. But she was a good girl, she might be the perfect one for someone else. Just not Steve McGarrett. Or the best version of Steve McGarrett. Truthfully, he didn't know who he became now anymore.

When they had a break, Steve admitted to himself that he didn't miss Lynn like the way he missed and longed for Catherine's presence. She wasn't the one he thought of when he went through the liver surgery back then. Sometimes, he forgot that he was seeing someone. He just missed having sex and she was right there. It was just convenient, especially with Lou's encouragement, he couldn't stop. That was the first date after the three-month-break, Steve finally called Lynn to invite her for a dinner at his house.

He prepared a homemade dinner at home for Lynn, trying to make it as fancy as possible. To make up for her for secretly cheating on her emotionally. Or cheating emotionally on Catherine, for that matter. He tried to block all the thoughts about Catherine in his head, which he didn't do so well, because he couldn't stop wondering how different things would be if he spent time for Cath more than he did in the past: starting by those simple things he was doing for Lynn – cooking dinner for her, taking her out to a real fancy restaurant on Valentine's Day.

Standing in front of his mirror, Steve fixed his suit. He looked at himself in the mirror, couldn't help but asking: Was that guy in the mirror really Steve McGarrett – the guy who waited 16 years to finally let his woman know how much he has loved her, just to let her go without fighting for her?

After that, everything on that day happened so fast. Catherine came back, when he tried so hard to move on. Doris somehow came back to his life, too. Everything was just so fresh. He saw Catherine after one year for the first time, listened to her familiar voice – watching her standing right in front of him yet couldn't pull her closer for a heartfelt hug like he used to do for a million times. Watching her risk her career to save his mom. Watching her leave him, again.

Steve finally reached the land of Hawaii. He was too exhausted to drive, so he called a cab. He kept thinking about all scenarios that could happen to Catherine, or how to contact Doris. He even tried calling Joe, but the call couldn't get through, which made Steve wonder if Joe was also on a secret mission, or maybe he was in the same flight with Doris, but just didn't show up.

Steve slowly pressed each number of Catherine's number – the series he had dials thousand of times in the past. Sometimes, back when they were both in the Navy, even though he knew he couldn't reach her because she was on mission as a Navy Intelligence official, he still tried calling her, just to be able to hear her voice – as he missed her so much. That always served him as a special treatment. Old habits die hard, he guessed. Steve didn't realize what he was doing until he heard her voice on the voicemail.

Clearly, deleting her phone number from his phone didn't work, because his heart already memorized it. He would always preserve everything about her in an untouchable place in the deepest part of his heart. He didn't care if other people would think of him as a weak man when it comes to relationship. Catherine Rollins has always been his weakness.

A familiar melody from the radio of the cab's driver travelled to Steve's ears.

" _When your legs don't work like they used to before  
And I can't sweep you off of your feet  
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love  
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks"_

 _A random song came on radio when Steve and Catherine were stuck in traffic in the middle of Waikiki due to some shooting event of one of the biggest US TV shows that were being filmed in Hawaii._

" _And darling I will be loving you 'til we're 70  
And baby my heart could still fall as hard at 23  
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways  
Maybe just the touch of a hand  
Oh me I fall in love with you every single day  
And I just wanna tell you I am"_

" _Steve, I like this song."_

" _It sounds so cheesy. But I think you're cute."_

" _Do you know what I think of you when you turn 70?"_

 _Catherine turned to him, laughing and teasing him, she looked totally care-free on that day. The thought of her thinking about the older version in life of him warmed Steve's heart. It was so heart-warming and reassuring for him to know that Catherine sometimes thought of the future with him. Even though they avoided using the "L" word all the time, he was positive that their feelings were mutual and she felt the same way about him. He had never imagined he would spend his life with someone else other than this woman. Steve couldn't stop the big grin on his face._

" _That I will still be a handsome sailor who still can make you pray to God every night?", he played along by questioning her jokingly. "God" has become one of their inside jokes since Mary revealed the first conversation between her and Catherine when Catherine stayed over Steve's place._

" _That you will still remember my phone number, even if you suffer from Alzheimer."_

" _Oh yeah? How do you figure?"_

" _Because you have called my number to ask for so many favours so far. Speaking of favours, I think your list of "You owe me" dinner is expanding, and I haven't even got one so far."_

" _It is not my fault that we never make it to dinner. You always seduce me, one way or another."_

" _It's not fair. I'm thinking it's you who always seduce me. It's your fault that we always end up in bed first and eat later. Sometimes, a proper dinner would be nice, Steve."_

" _By the way, Catherine, make it my promise!"_

" _What?"_

" _That I will never forget your phone number."_

" _Because you're smart?", Catherine let out a laugh, her eyes shining at his promise. She tried not to read too much between the lines, but it was a little too hard not to. His promise was just so sweet, simple yet very touching, even when they were trying to make it as a joke._

" _Yes, because I am smart", Steve moved his hand from the car wheel to Catherine, squeezing her left hand. It was more than that though. He knew no matter what happened, he would never forget her number. Of course, calling her too much to ask for favours wasn't the reason. He never told Catherine about thousand times when he pressed her number and just looked at it without actually calling her. He admitted to Danny once, sometimes, Five-0 didn't really need Cath's help, him calling her didn't have anything to do with the case, it was just a way for him to hear Catherine's voice when he missed her so much, or to inform her of his "another day at the office". It was just that simple._

Steve kept staring at the series of number he typed on his phone, his thumbs silently caressed the screen as if that number were actually Catherine. He knew he would never reach her on this number, at least until who-know-when she finished her secret mission. His mind was so occupied with thoughts that he didn't even realize he almost reached home until the cab pulled over in front of his house.

Exhaustion fully took over him. Steve slowly walked towards his house, opened the door, stepping inside the house.

The house that only Catherine could ever make a home for him. At some point, he really thought he could move on by using other women as a distraction, but he wasn't successful. Yet.

He looked around the inner house. Every corner brought memories about Catherine.

The couch – where he and Catherine had shared a lot of kisses and intimate moments, where she tried to seduce him by forcing him to watch "The Notebook", and he tried to seduce her by bringing up the Foxhole Fantasy which was on his head all the time, whenever he saw her in action at work.

The kitchen – where he had watched Catherine cook ragu for them both. There was something about those moments that tugged his heart. Steve wasn't sure if it was simply because Catherine cooked for him, or because she shared something that was so meaningful to her family with him, but he started dreaming about building a family with that gorgeous woman in front of him. A family for them, as husband and wife. The dream that has been shattered since she chose the place where he's not.

The bathroom – where Catherine ran after him in the middle of the night when he tried not to disturb her, where she had hold him and whispered to his ears: "I'm here, Steve, it was just a nightmare, I'm here", where they had taken so many fantasies together.

And of course, the bedroom – their sanctuary place.

Steve dropped himself on his bed – the bed that didn't smell like Catherine anymore. Some days, he got through this easily. But some other days, he just missed her uncontrollably. Steve wished he could invent some sort of machine that he could forget everything about her by just pressing "Delete" button. That would be so good. Less painful, less heartbreaking.

Steve replayed the moments with Catherine on his head for the n-th time. When she said she could have said "Yes" if he had asked. When she said he deserved to be happy.

The tears silently made their way to his face, hitting the pillow.

Suddenly, Steve heard the door bell downstairs. Truthfully, he didn't want to meet anyone tonight, he just needed time for himself to think. About Doris, and mostly, about Catherine.

But the doorbell didn't stop, someone must be very impatient. It drove Steve crazy, so he went downstairs, opened the door, so ready to throw a tantrum to whoever stood in front of the door.

Steve froze. He clearly didn't expect this woman to appear so soon. Lynn showed up earlier than Steve expected. He didn't tell her when he came back, his team probably wouldn't inform her either. He wasn't sure how to deal with her after she accidentally spilled the beans to Catherine about the proposal. To be honest with himself, he didn't know if it's a good or bad thing. Technically, he got to know Catherine would have said yes thanks to Lynn's "innocence".

"Wow, how do you know I'm back?"

"Well, I'm dating a cop, the head of the governor's task force. The least I can do is calling in to ask for a favour to keep tabs on my boyfriend."

"Okay", Steve raised his eyebrows in surprise. He had never thought of Lynn as a "girlfriend". She was just a "booty call", maybe a "sex toy" (Not the best version of himself speaking right now – he was lucky that John wasn't alive, because John would have definitely punished him if he had known his son become so disrespectful to women). He admitted he didn't use the term on Catherine either, but it was for a different reason. Catherine meant so much more than just a girlfriend to him.

"Steve, I will make this very quick."

"Are you drunk?", Steve could easily tell – based on Lynn's weird behaviour.

"Yeah, I kind of need some alcohol to do this."

"Okay", Steve sighed. He wasn't ready to deal with Lynn right now, but he guessed he had no choice.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you for reading and leaving reviews! I hope you like this chapter! I don't know Lynn that well, only watched her on 707 & saw her pictures/clips. However, I always find good things in bad people, so even though I hate this character so much, I want to pretend that she's a good girl lol. Does it even make sense? Sorry for the rant! Enjoy this chapter! **

* * *

**SET YOU FREE**

 _\- LuckyStar Pham -_

 **Chap 5:**

"Can I come in?"

Steve was hesitant, as he didn't really want to invite Lynn inside, he needed time to revaluate whatever he and Lynn were doing. Eventually, he stepped aside to let Lynn inside, hoping she would say what she wanted and leave.

"How is your mother? How was the mission?"

"She is okay now. Thanks! I don't really want to talk about it though."

Realisation hit him. Hit him hard.

Even after everything, Catherine was still the only one who he could open up to. The only one he ever truly let in. Catherine didn't even need to ask him questions, all she had to do was to look questioningly into his eyes, and all of a sudden, Steve found himself confiding everything to her, even his biggest issue – his mother. She made it so easy. He never shared those things with his team.

Or even with his younger sister. Mary McGarrett.

Clearly, he didn't intend to let Lynn in either.

Steve was mad at himself for still feeling that way about Catherine. But it has never been clearer to him that no matter how hard he tried to move on, no matter how hard he pretended that casual sex would last, Lynn wasn't the one that he could share his inner soul with. Steve realized that he's tired of this "game". Even though he kept telling himself that all he wanted at this stage was sex, deep down inside, he also wanted someone who could see through him, who could ground him.

He wanted a partner in life – someone like Catherine. Someone named Catherine Rollins.

Gone are the days when Catherine was the only stability in his unstable life. Ironically, at the moment, Catherine was the only unstable thing in his stable life.

For a moment, Steve was lost in his own train of thought. He didn't hear what Lynn was saying, until she touched his arm.

"Can I borrow your phone? For just one second."

Being confused, Steve frowned slightly. But he gave her his phone anyway, hoping it would make this talk end soon. He was too exhausted to argue.

Lynn pressed the Home button on his phone, her face showed a knowing look after seeing Steve's lock-screen. A picture of USS ship.

"I suppose this was the place where you met her for the first time", she shrugged.

"Excuse me?", Steve looked up, he was surprised and a bit angry when Lynn made an effort to mention all the women he didn't really want to talk about right now.

"The Navy."

"Yes. But that isn't really your business, right?"

"I like you, Steve."

Steve wasn't sure where this whole thing was leading to.

"I wish there was another way for us to work... I wish I could find a less painful way for me to do this."

"Lynn, listen. About us, let's talk about it another time. I don't really want to think about any of this right now. I am so, very sorry."

To Steve's surprise, Lynn found her phone number and deleted it from Steve's phone. She let Steve see the screen so that he knew what was going on.

"Hmmm. I'm not sure where this is going."

"Steve, call me!"

Steve stared at Lynn in disbelief and suddenly, he understood what she was trying to do. He **didn't** remember her phone number. When Ellie sent him Lynn's number, he simply saved it to his contacts. Whenever he needed a booty call, he brought up her numbers and asked her to drop by. Or met somewhere half way in the beginning, because he felt he wasn't ready to sleep with another woman than Catherine on **his bed**. If she was busy, he found a random girl in town, so that he didn't have to be lonely at night, so that he could forbid the image of Catherine to linger in his mind.

Steve didn't spend time learning Lynn's number by heart. Her phone number never served as a special treatment – a cure to calm his mind down.

His heart ached thinking about that. Because he knew Catherine's phone number could. That moment he deleted Catherine's number ripped his heart out, way more than it should have. It felt like he finally cut the very last chord between them, but he knew his heart was too stubborn to just forget that important series of number. It was like a brutal flight between his mind and his heart.

"Steve, you don't need to explain", Lynn shook his head, "I already knew. I just want to... I just want YOU to realize where your heart lies."

"I didn't mean to stalk you or anything. I just happened to walk towards you when you were looking at a contact number. It was Catherine's. I saw it. You deleted the number, at that time I was thrilled and happy for you and for us, but when you turned around, I was taken aback. I remember your eyes, I remember how lost you looked. We didn't really know each other back then, but my heart ached for you. That moment, I promised myself that I would make you happier than she did, because a guy like you deserves much better. You tried to pretend that you're enjoying your life, but I know that look. I saw that kind of look at work. A lot. I am always proud of my job, which is something I am really good at. I thought I could fix it. I thought I could... fix you."

"But to be honest, I underestimated Catherine. I thought I could make you totally forget about her, I thought I could successfully make you fall in love again, with me."

"When my phone number is deleted from your phone, I guess I will just vanish from your head. I don't really exist here – in your heart", Lynn put her right hand on his heart, resting her hand there for a moment, "Let's face it, we don't really know about each other, it's always about sex. I don't know about each scar on your body, you don't know about each achievement on my career – you probably don't even want to know. You used me to get over Catherine, and it was my fault to play along with you. I guess I was too competitive, I thought I could win this case, just like I won so many cases at work."

Giving him a sad smile, Lynn continued.

"I thought I could make it work, make us work. But it wasn't as easy as I thought. The moment she showed up at your front door that day, I knew I lost. That wasn't even a competition. I knew it from the very beginning. You said her name when you _came_ , not only once. You had "The Notebook" and I know it's not your style, plus it's in the drawer, next to the ring box, so I put two and two together and I guess that's her favourite movie. I tried to let everything slide, because I enjoyed having sex with you a little too much, which is embarrassing to admit, and I was too confident about myself, about me being able to _**"fix"**_ you. But now, I know I was wrong. You might have deleted her number from your phone, but she still exists here", Lynn pointed at his chest, laying her head there. This probably would be the very last time she could touch his body.

"I don't know what had happened between you and Catherine, but I was under the impression that she is the bad guy in that relationship. You look too broken to be the one who put that relationship into an end. I assume it was her fault. To be honest, telling her about the proposal wasn't an accident. I did it on purpose", Lynn stepped away from Steve, finally admitted.

"No, Lynn. Stop talking! Don't mention Catherine!"

"Steve, there is no way to move on if you don't face reality. Whether you like it or not, you don't hate her. I know that you think if you convince yourself to hate her, it will be easier to move on and you won't feel so guilty, but the truth is that you still love her. This whole world can tell. You stop loving someone because you fall out of love with them, not because they hurt you badly. I was taught to fight for the things I love, fight for the things I believe in. You should do the same, Steve. You should have fought for her to made her stay. I thought Catherine abandoned you, so I kind of wanted to test her reaction about the proposal. She seemed broken, and I've gotta say I admire the hell out of her for holding her own, considering the situation. I read people, I know she was, I not only saw it in her eyes, I could hear it in her voice, too."

"She was surprised, but she didn't look too shaken that night."

"Steve, are you trying to convince yourself she's the bad guy so that you can be the victim here?", Lynn raised her voice a bit, which surprised herself, she probably had too much alcohol earlier tonight, "What do you expect her to do then? Cry, blame you for moving on, start a fight with me? If she really loves you, talking nicely to your date was the least she could do. And that's exactly what she did. She thought you were happy in this "relationship". I told her you're my boyfriend, so maybe she... Yes, I admit I did that on purpose, too."

"You know what we have isn't serious, right? What the hell were you thinking?", the muscle in Steve's jaw was moving, indicating he was sincerely angry. Now, everything made sense. Catherine saying she was happy doing what she was doing. Catherine giving him her blessing. Everything. Chin was right after all, maybe Catherine said she was happy because she thought he was settling down with Lynn and therefore, she didn't want to step back into his life. Steve didn't dare imagine how hurt Catherine must've felt for the past few days.

"I was thinking I was doing you both a favour. If she knew about the proposal and still walked away, then she didn't deserve you. If she knew and she came back, you two have a second chance. Judging how you look right now... things seem to be not good", Lynn silently shook her head, turning her back away from Steve, "but I'm tired, too. I'm done pretending like I can fix it. I'm done being a replacement. I guess... I deserve better. You, too, Steve."

"Lynn, thank you. Like...", Steve hesitated, he was struggling to find the right words to say, but he couldn't, "Really. Thank you!". He really appreciated what Lynn was trying to do for him and Catherine, and for herself. Maybe this would be the perfect ending for this "relationship".

"Did she mention about the proposal? Or about me? Being a jealous girlfriend?"

"She would have said "Yes". She said you seem to be a nice girl, she hoped things work out between you and me, she said I deserve to be happy."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"It's complicated", Steve shrugged. He clearly still didn't want to share more with this girl.

"Okay, I guess this is the end for us. I guess you can see how much Catherine still loves you, you are just too stubborn to admit it. You want some advice?"

"What's that?"

"Figure the problem out and fix it. If it's because of the job, try to think from her perspective. You are smart, Steve, if you love her enough and still want her back, you will know what to do."

Steve didn't know what to do, so he stepped closer and gave Lynn a hug. For the first time, he thought highly of this woman when sex wasn't involved. It turned out she wasn't as naive and shallow as he thought.

Steve treated Lynn much better than Catherine, because he didn't want to be left behind again. But to his own surprise, watching Lynn leave the house, Steve actually felt relieved. He had always known it was wrong of him to make use of Lynn for sex. Whatever he was feeling was totally different from the other times when Catherine walked away from his life.

He went back to his bedroom, started to think of ways he could to reach Catherine. Eventually, everybody was right. Chin, Danny and Lynn. He needed to step up, he needed to fight for what he loved. He needed to fight for his Catherine.

At this point, Steve was willing to trade anything to have her back, even his current stable life. An unstable life with Catherine being the only stability sounded so much better than having a stable life without Catherine.

* * *

What do you think?


	6. Chapter 6

Hello, again!

I can't say "Thank you" enough to Paula! Thanks for always proof-reading for me! You're the best thing in this fandom :) I make a mental note to myself that I will never take you for granted. Thank you, big sis!

* * *

 **SET YOU FREE**

 _\- LuckyStar Pham -_

 **Chap 6:**

Steve stayed in his office a lot later than normal, which didn't go unnoticed by his team. They all offered to help, without asking too many questions, assuming that he would give more details if he really wanted to share. Steve really appreciated that they were giving him some space.

After 2 weeks of trying, Steve didn't go any further in terms of trying to get in touch with Catherine, or Doris McGarrett, or even Joe White. Sometimes, he wished those two women in his life weren't so good at their job.

Only when the news of Chin being rescued from Mexico made its way to the Internet, Steve got a phone call from an unknown number in the middle of the night.

"Hello", looking at the unknown number, Steve couldn't help hoping it was Catherine calling.

"Steve, is Chin alright? I've just heard the news. I'm so sorry that Chin went through something like that", Catherine's voice came through from the other end of the phone, Steve could easily register her worry.

"Catherine, he's fine. He's taking several days off for now."

"That's good. That's good", Steve heard Catherine whispering. He was deeply touched that Catherine still cared about his friends. Steve closed his eyes briefly, rehearsing the moment when they said goodbye last time, when she told him " _Just because I'm not in your life anymore, doesn't mean I don't still care about you_ ". Catherine really meant what she said, she not only cared about him, but also his family – his mother, and his friends, his Ohana, like Chin.

"Hey Cath", Steve whispered her name, just like the good old days. The sound of her name rolled off so easily from his tongue. Steve couldn't think of any other word that gave him so much feels rather than her name.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't even realize it's midnight over there. You must be sleeping. Did I... interrupt anything?", Catherine hesitated, finally realizing the time difference and secretly told herself off for being so stupid to call at this hour. The possibility of Steve and Lynn being together at this hour broke her inside, it felt like someone was crushing her lungs. Knowing Steve being in an official relationship with someone else was a totally new territory for Catherine. Jealousy was creeping into her soul. Yes, she was jealous, her heart skipped a beat out of the pain and the nerve – the nerve of talking to Steve, which used to be one of her methods to cope during difficult times. Whatever they were having right now was totally on her, it was her who made a decision that led to this, so she had no one else to blame.

Catherine let out a soft sigh, wishing they could go back to the point when they were both happy and secure about whatever they had between them. It felt like a lifetime ago.

"She broke up with me", Steve broke the news to her, waiting for Catherine's reaction.

"Oh God, Steve, I am so sorry that didn't work out". Covering her mouth with her hands, Catherine gasped, genuinely felt bad for Steve, "If it was because of me...", She felt like the entire thing was her fault. If she hadn't shown up in front of his house that night, they would probably have still been together. This situation reminded her of the day when she left his house, how numb and heart-broken she felt that day, how difficult it was to just walk away and leave him behind. For a moment, Catherine felt like she came back to that dark moment of her life – when she basically couldn't feel any thing, couldn't hear any sound, as if her whole world was falling down and breaking apart. It hurt her even more to realize she was the one who messed everything up, considering Steve was about to propose on that day. Until now, Catherine still didn't dare try to imagine how deeply Steve was hurt. Regardless of how many times she reminded herself that whatever she was doing was to protect Steve from the CIA's threat, she just couldn't get rid of the guilt. Clutching her chest in agony, she couldn't bear thinking Steve was going through the same situation now. She wasn't entirely sure if Lynn was the right girl for Steve, but Catherine really wanted Lynn to be the one who could offer Steve what he wanted yet she couldn't do for him herself.

"Catherine. Listen to me. She's **not** my girlfriend. We hang out, we have sex, that's all. Lynn broke up with me because she realized I'm not over somebody. Because I'm **still** in love with someone else. **You**."

"Oh, Steve". Catherine was at a loss; she couldn't utter even a single word out of shock. This was the last thing she expected when she decided to call to check up on Chin. Truthfully, deep down inside, there were some parts of her that knew Steve still loved her, she clearly could feel it, and Doris said so; but logically, Catherine didn't expect Steve to reveal his feelings for her to her. He made it very clear that it was over between them. Steve never responded to her " _I will always, always love you_ " the day she left, nor the part when she said she still cared about him the other day.

"She mentioned something. " _ **You stop loving someone because you fall out of love with them, not because they hurt you badly**_ ". I damn well tried, Catherine, believe me, and it's fucking hard. I just can't fall out of love with you. You're like a drug to me, no matter how much you hurt me, I keep coming back for more."

"Steve, no, you deserve better", Catherine inhaled and exhaled shakily, her eyes started to redden.

"I'm not gonna lie to you, my heart is broken and I want to get it fixed. I want to fix us, whatever it takes. I will make the first move and ask you this only one time."

"I'm listening", for a second, Catherine thought she couldn't breathe. The flash of building a family with him one day sprang to her mind, which brought her an immense sense of happiness.

"Catherine, can you come home?", Rubbing his forehead, and his mouth, drawing all of his inner strength, Steve spoke softly.

Complete silence. Each of them following their own estimation of each other's response. After what felt like an eternity, Catherine finally broke the stunned silence.

"Sailor, I thought you would never ask."

Steve broke into a grin and finally exhaled. He didn't even realize he was holding his breath until his lungs started to burn. Catherine's soft, trembling voice truly felt like music to Steve's ears.

"I know you, and I respect you too much to ask you to do something like that. You never asked me to step back from any mission, regardless of how dangerous it was, and I was always, always grateful for that. I never thought I would ask you to stand down. Yes, I love my job, and so do you. We both serve our country and think for the greater good rather than our personal life, that's what we were trained to do. I accept it, I understand it, but it doesn't mean I have to like it, right? Let's make this the only exception. For once in my life, I want to take this big risk. I hope you won't hate me for asking. If I really ask you to come home, what will your answer be?"

At the end of the day, Catherine Rollins had always been the only exception in Steve McGarrett's life. Even from day one, when he decided to shut everything down to prevent himself from being hurt by this cruel world, Catherine stubbornly stepped into his life to teach him the feelings he had never had for anyone else. He let her in. Completely. One could say that letting her in was the first step of his record of mistakes in his life, but Steve could never deny Catherine Rollins was also the best thing that happened to him. She brought him life.

"You will forgive me, just like that?"

"We will start with a long-awaited talk, at least. But we will figure everything together. I promise. I will be honest with you, but I need you to get on board with me on this thing. Are you with me?"

Without any sign of hesitance, Catherine smiled back, even though she knew Steve wouldn't see her smiling: "Yes, Steve, there's no other place I'd rather be. But I've come so close on this case, you know how it is when you work black ops like this, right? Give me 2 days to wrap things up and I will come home when I finish this mission. I will come home to you! To fix whatever we have and move forward, **together** ". Doris was right, at least Steve is an adult, a decorated ex-Navy SEAL, a high-profile cop, he deserved to have a say on whether he wanted to be protected or not. Catherine made a mental note to herself to come clean to Steve about everything that had happened since Afghanistan once she got back to Hawaiian – her HOME.

"Thank you!", Steve whispered, silently wiped the tears streaming down his face. "I will pick you up at the airport then."

"See you around, sailor". Catherine didn't know what the future held for them, but at least she could somehow see a light, a hope at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it was start of something new for them. A totally new relationship– no lies, no dark secret.

Neither of them wanted to end the phone call, until Catherine finally called his name: "Hey Steve..."

"Yes?"

"Just thought you should know. I've never wanted out of this thing", she was referring to Steve's question when she said she would go to Nepal where she could make some difference. She couldn't really give him an answer back then, that would totally blow up her cover. But she could now.

"Thank you, that's all I need. Be careful!"

"Of course."

All of a sudden, 2 days seemed to be 2 centuries to Steve. He closed his eyes, thinking of all the times in the past they had the same conversation "I will pick you up at the airport" – "See you around". He hoped the next time meant a happy reunion. Of course, he and Catherine would have to talk first, and learn to compromise, then find a way to work things out. They had a lot to deal with, but at least they would have each other to count on.

Steve couldn't seem to fall into sleep, after tossing and turning for almost an hour, he sat up and opened his drawer. The ring, no, her ring was still there. Steve opened the small box, silently watching the shining ring, recalling how happy he was that morning, visualising the perfect proposal scenario he had in mind. There were countless times he wanted to dump this ring, just like the way he erased her contact number from his phone, but he never had enough nerve to do such thing.

It just didn't feel right to get rid of something that was so important, something that he wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Holding the ring next to him, Steve finally drifted into sleep. The night's dream was full of memories about Catherine. He hadn't had such a sound sleep like that in forever.

Until he saw someone dragging an unconscious Catherine in his dream and the last thing he could see was her beautiful face, but it was fading. He couldn't see anymore, couldn't reach out for her.

"Catherine!", Steve woke up with a start, yelling her name in pain, bolting upright in his bed, his face was drenched in sweat, his heartbeat was totally out of control. The ring box in his hand reminded him that he was only having a bad dream, but Steve couldn't help thinking something really bad was about to happen to Catherine.

* * *

P.S: I want to fix McRoll, but I don't want things to be easy. I'm having something really weird going on on my head, and I'm hoping I will be able to deliver it by transferring what I have in mind into words, but please be patient with me! English isn't my first language, ha! Let me know what you think. Much appreciated!


	7. Chapter 7

Aloha, again!

First of all, as usual, I would like to thank Paula for being so supportive and proof-reading for me!

Second, I'm so sorry that it normally takes quite a long time for me to post a new chapter. I'm currently on vacation and I've been preparing for my IELTS test (an English test). I've got one week left before heading back to Sydney, so I wanted to spend more time with my family here. I hope you will be patiently waiting! I promise I won't abandon this story, no matter which path my crazy ideas will lead me to!

Stay tuned!

* * *

 **SET YOU FREE**

 _\- LuckyStar Pham -_

 **Chap 7:**

It has been exactly 5 days since the last time Steve got a hold of Catherine. Given the dangerous essence of black ops, it was too hard not to feel worried about her. Even Kono called him out for getting a little distracted on the field, he knew his team member was just looking out for him and he was grateful for that. Steve finally decided to tell Kono about the phone call between him and Cath.

To his surprise, Kono gave him the biggest grin and pulled him into a tight hug: "Boss, I'm proud of you. I know it's not my business but I always knew it was wrong – about Lynn, I just didn't want to interrupt. You, all of people, deserve to be happy. I'm glad that you and Catherine are at least fighting for your relationship. It's really something, don't let it go away. I really hope it works out for both of you. If there is anything that I can do to help, please let me know."

"I'm worried about her, you know. She was supposed to come home soon, but I haven't heard from her recently. Do me a favour, please! Can you keep track of all incidents happening regarding active CIA agents in the past week?"

"Sure thing, boss."

"Thank you."

"And Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for telling me!", Kono gave out a small smile after giving Steve another hug.

With that, Kono left Steve's office to start digging into CIA current cases.

Another day has gone by awfully slow. It was killing Steve every minute, it was getting harder and harder to sit still and wait.

* * *

 **1** **AM**

 **McGarrett Residence...**

Steve was sitting on the lanai behind his house, taking in the darkness of the night, listening to the familiar sound of the waves. He couldn't sleep. Even the sound of the ocean couldn't help calm him down. He closed his eyes for a moment, recalling the relationship between him and Catherine from the beginning, since the day they met. He admitted to himself that, right now, he missed her more than ever. He wished he could figure out a way to get hold of her, to hear her voice, one way or another.

"Ring... ring... ring..."

The sound of his phone snapped him out of his reverie. Steve's heart jumped out of his chest when he saw it was from an unknown number. Without a hesitation, he picked up the phone, assuming it was Catherine, and he greeted the person from the other end: "Took you long enough."

"Steve."

It wasn't the voice that he had longed for. It wasn't the voice he was waiting for, even though it was also familiar. He just didn't expect to hear from this woman this soon. The urgent time in her voice alerted Steve. Something bad must have happened.

It was Doris McGarrett.

"Steve, you need to get here right now. We are at the hospital. Catherine is badly wounded."

"Doris, what's wrong? Where are you? What happened?"

"I will explain everything once you get here. We are at the Canadian Forces Health Services Center in Ottawa. Steve, please get here as fast as you can! I don't know how much time she has."

Steve's heart ached hearing those words from Doris, feeling completely lost. He blinked back the tears, trying not to think the worst.

Doris took the complete silence on the other side of the line the wrong way. She thought Steve was reluctant to hop on a plane for Catherine. She raised her voice, although it almost sounded like she was begging: "Steve, that girl loves you. She never wanted to hurt you. You are clearly still in love with her, Steve. If you don't come here now, you're gonna regret it."

"Of course I'm coming, what are you thinking?", Steve didn't like that Doris mistook his silence as hesitation, although he really appreciated her calling to inform him. "Please stay with her until I get there. Doris, please, take care of her."

"I'm not going anywhere."

Steve ended the call and within several minutes, he started arranging the trip to Canada. After calling for several favours, he got lucky and got one spot on a military transform from Hawaii to Canada, which was departing in almost one hour. He grabbed several things that he would need and left the house after sending a short text to his whole team.

Sitting in the cab, all Steve could think about was getting to Catherine as fast as possible. He hated feeling so helpless. He should have tried harder to reach her, maybe even checked with the head of CIA, even though the logical side of him knew it was an absurd idea. He and Catherine were so close to starting everything all over, yet once again destiny gave them another challenge. His tears were flowing freely, he didn't even care about revealing his true emotions in front of the taxi driving sitting right in front of him. He had never believed in God, but in that very moment, all he could do was to pray for her to be strong.

* * *

 **8 hours later.**

 **The Canadian Forces Health Services Center, Ottawa...**

It felt like the longest 8 hours of Steve's life. He couldn't rest on the plane, his mind kept wandering and he couldn't get the worst scenario out of his head. The minutes ticked by while his irritation, fear and helplessness grew from intense to severe. It was overwhelming and Steve felt like he was going to explode. He couldn't help but feeling a little bit relieved when he saw Doris sitting right outside of the operating room. She looked miserable, genuinely worried, clutching her head in pain.

"Mom, how is Catherine? Is she okay? What the hell happened?"

Doris was taken aback by his angry, yet worried, voice. Her head jerked in the direction of her son's voice. She stood up immediately and went to wrap Steve up in a tight hug.

"Thank God you make it. You're here now. She's still inside. We haven't heard from the doctors. It was a really long operation. I wanted to transfer her to Tripler, but the doctors here insisted that her condition wasn't good enough for the transfer to Hawaii."

Doris was rambling and crying, which wasn't like her at all, and Steve had never seen Doris act like this before. As far as he could remember, his mom always seemed calm and controlled. There were rare occasions when she showed her vulnerable side if his dad was injured in the job. Steve suddenly realized how much Doris truly cared about Catherine, which also meant that she still cared about him. That realisation brought out a gentle smile on his face, even in that situation.

"Mom, I'm here now. Please tell me what happened", Steve helped Doris sit down and looked his mother in the eye. Judging by the redness around her eyes, Doris must have been crying for hours.

"It's all my fault. She went against the CIA when she rescued me. Of course, the bosses weren't happy about it, so they assigned her this assignment with no extraction plan. The op did require her talents and skills, but this assignment was more like the CIA's punishment for Catherine. She was all on her own. You know how it works, don't you? And Catherine is such an honourable soldier, she would never turn down a direct order, no matter how much she hated it."

"When did she receive that order?", Steve inhaled with difficulty, he already had conflicts with the CIA in the past – with the whole Doris/Shelbourne thing, and now, he couldn't help but let his hatred for the CIA grow inside. Remembering the conversation with Cath before she got on board, he turned to Doris.

"After the top brass of the CIA found out that you guys rescued me and Yao Fat. They probably gave her the order right before she talked to you. I noticed her taking some phone call when you were checking out the plane. Later on, I figured out about the op, and knowing the extreme danger of that op, I told her I would come back for her after making arrangements for Yao Fat. But it was too late", Doris ended with a sob in her throat.

"She said she was happy doing what she was doing", Steve whispered. Catherine's answer that day bombarded his mind, he couldn't believe Catherine would give him such an answer after knowing about the order.

"That poor little girl..." Doris smiled in tears, looking right into her son's eyes, "She told you she was happy because she thought you were happy with that new girl. Lynn, was it? I know I'm in no position to tell you which girl you should pick, but I don't believe for a second any other girl can love you more than Catherine. She felt bad lying to you when you asked."

"She told you?"

"Yeah. She was so ready to let you go, even after everything she had done for you, which wasn't my place to tell you. Cath didn't want you to feel guilty. She was ready to set you free. She wanted you to be happy. She made a choice, Steve, and even though it wasn't perfect, she thought she was doing the right thing. I know it sounds like I am trying to make excuses for both of us, but believe me, I'm not. Steve, you can't blame her."

"I'm not blaming her, mom. I understand. I'm just mad at myself for being fooled by Cath. How could she...? How could **I** not see through that?", he stood up, walking back and forth in front of Doris. His heart constricted after hearing what Doris just said.

"We talked on the phone. She was supposed to tell the CIA it would be her last assignment and she was planning to come home to me. She never mentioned how dangerous this op was", Steve finally sat down again, taking a deep breath, trying to take everything in. He wished Catherine could be a little less selfless by telling him a bit about her assignment, even though he was fully aware that Catherine had to keep details confidential. If she had told him, he would have flown all the way to Canada to help her, which was the last thing they needed, considering their history with the CIA.

"Yeah, I heard."

"What, you and Cath are like... besties now?", Steve snorted.

"Yeah, kind of. I called to check in with her, and she sounded happy, so I asked her about it. Plus we bonded, we talked, a lot, recently."

"Wow, I'm not sure if I like the idea of my CIA mother and CIA girlfriend being so close", Steve shook his head.

"Wow, that's huge. You admit she's your girlfriend now? What about that other girl?"

"The other girl is out of the picture now. You're right. Everyone is right. My head wasn't on the game. My heart belongs to Catherine. I've never admitted she's my girlfriend because she's so much more. It has always been that way. And I'm still in love with her. My ego was just too bruised for me to admit it. Mom, I genuinely don't know how to stop loving Cath. I don't know what will happen if I lose her for good this time. Mom, what should I do now?", tears streaming down freely on Steve's handsome face, it almost felt like he stumbled forward. His head dropped and tears fell into his lap.

"Catherine is such a good girl, she's tough and strong, she will go through this, she has to", truthfully, Doris didn't know what else she could say to comfort Steve at this moment. She was just happy that at least her son talked to her, confided his feelings to her, like a normal son to a normal mother. She had never ever had this experience, it felt nice. She sniffed, silently hugged Steve to offer him her support. She patted him on the back gently.

"What exactly happened to her, mom? How bad was it?"

"It was her last day. She almost got all of the information we needed. There was only one piece of a document we needed and then the case would be wrapped. I told her that we didn't really need that one, the evidence we obtained was quite enough, but Catherine was very, very stubborn and insisted on getting it."

"That's how she is. She's a perfectionist when it comes to an op and she'll do whatever it takes to get the job done."

"I don't know what happened exactly, but her cover was almost blown. I tried to warn her, but couldn't reach her by phone because it was too risky. All I know was they found out and captured her, kept her in the basement and tortured her. We had a recording device inside the wall and heard how they tortured her. It was very difficult to listen to that. I would have given anything to put myself in her place."

"Why didn't you call me right away?", Steve's eyes opened wider, he felt sick to his stomach. He could have been a part of Catherine's rescue operation. "And who are "we" here?"

"I didn't know if I could wait for you to get here, it would've taken you at least 7 hours and that's if you left immediately, Steve. I needed to make a split-second decision to save as much time as I could. Timing was everything, I just couldn't afford to call you and risk losing her. I was with Joe anyway, he wasn't CIA and didn't have the clearance to know about this op but he volunteered. And then I contacted Catherine's partner."

"Excuse me? Catherine had a partner?", Steve was surprised, he didn't see that coming. If he was completely honest with himself, he's gotta admit that he was indeed sick at heart. He hadn't felt this way in ages. A faint hint of jealousy made him feel rather uneasy.

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 _ ***To be continued***_

P.S: It's great hearing from you. Who is Catherine's partner? Take a wild guess, please! ;) Or at least let me know what you think. Mahalo!


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you for all the reviews! I'm so grateful. Please continue to tell me what you think of this story. It will be really kind of you if you use your name to review, instead of "Guest". I would love to know more about my readers.**

 **Thank you, Paula, for being so awesome and always helping me out!**

 **About Catherine's partner, I "borrowed" Simon Hill from Combat Hospital. We will see what this story will go from here soon. Please head to my website to read this story with pictures at luckystarpham dot com**

 **Btw, I'm just so happy that I got an 8.0 in IETLS test. Happy, happy dance!**

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 **SET YOU FREE  
\- LuckyStar Pham –**

 **Chap 8:**

"Excuse me? Catherine had a partner?"

"Yes, a work partner. Just like you and Danny. He was just here. He just left to get me some coffee."

"So... they've been working together, huh?"

"Yeah, working", Doris emphasised that on purpose. "He started as Catherine's CO and they've been working together since her first CIA assignment. He might have a thing for her, but you know, Catherine is Catherine, stubborn and all", Doris didn't need to finish her sentence, she knew Steve would be able to read between the lines. She carefully looked at her son, trying to read through him. She saw nothing but a lost boy in an almost 40-year-old man sitting next to her.

Speaking of the devil.

Simon came back into the waiting room with two cups of coffee. Just the smell of the coffee awakened him. Simon had been with Doris and Joe for the past 48 hours. Ever since this whole thing started, when Catherine's assignment went sideways and she was captured. None of them could get any sleep, all suffering from complete exhaustion.

Simon came to a halt when he saw Doris sitting with another man.

Of course, he instantly knew who that man was.

The man he had lost to without giving a fight.

The man who had taken Catherine's heart.

Steve McGarrett.

Doris looked up and saw Simon approaching slowly. She gave a pointed look in Simon's direction, whispered to Steve: "There he is. Behave yourself!" and smiled at Simon gratefully.

Simon gave Doris the hot cup of coffee and then turned to Steve to politely address him.

"You must be Steve McGarrett."

"He know my name. Cath must've told him about me", Steve thought to himself and reached out his hand, preparing for a handshake: "Yes, I am. And you are?"

"Simon Hill. Cath and I work together. I'm so sorry about Cath. It's all my fault. I should've never let her do this assignment alone."

Steve noticed the way Simon called Catherine by her nickname, the nickname he had given her. His heart clenched a little hearing this man use it. It took a lot of restrain for Steve to not say anything stupid. Steve really wanted to give Catherine's partner aka C.O a piece of his mind, but Simon looked genuinely upset and devastated, which Steve could totally relate. He couldn't find any reason to hate this man. He knew his jealousy came from the fact that this man was in Catherine's life when he wasn't, and because Doris told him about this guy having "a thing" for Catherine.

The three of them sat in silence for several minutes. Feeling the rising tension in the air, Simon turned back to Doris: "Doris, your son is here. We can take over from here. You haven't left Cath's side for one second. Take a rest!". Simon only knew Doris because of his work relationship with Catherine. Doris was a legend in CIA. She had earned the trust of the top brass of the CIA before he had even joined the service. He paid her the utmost respect, especially after seeing her in action – he had to admit she was quite impressive for a woman of her age.

"Okay. Keep me posted. Let me know if she wakes up", Doris took the cue and left to give the two men some space. Maybe a proper talk was needed.

"So... have we met? I notice that you knew my name?"

"Yeah. I saw you before, but you didn't know me. I didn't know your name until it came up a couple of times when I heard Cath talking to someone on the phone, she mentioned your name", seeing the discomfort on Steve's face when he used her nickname, Simon stuttered, "I-I mean... Catherine... She never mentioned you to me directly."

"Okay", Steve let out a sign, nodding sadly. He didn't know what else to say.

Fair enough. While he was trying so hard to move on, Catherine was probably doing the same thing. After she had left the second time, saying the name "Cath" or "Catherine" became taboo for his team. He knew sometimes they talked about her, but they never mentioned her name in front of him. The moment he stepped inside the office, no "Catherine" was allowed. Steve figured his team was overprotective of him, and truthfully, his bruised ego blamed Catherine too, so he secretly allowed the team to do that.

Maybe Catherine struggled the same way.

"Sorry, I didn't mean it that way. Catherine always keeps things professional between us. I don't know how she was before, but when we worked together, she had always kept her personal life personal. At least that's how it was in the beginning, until we got a little bit closer."

Steve wasn't sure to what extent he should open up to this man, or trust him. After all, he just met the guy, and he knew deep down inside, he still had a lot of trust issues, so Steve kept silent for now.

"Do you know why the CIA assigned Catherine this assignment?"

"About that, Doris kind of brought me up the speed."

"She wouldn't have been in that room now if it hadn't been for you. When she learnt about Doris being captured, she reached out to every source and planned a rescue op on her own. It was stupid, she wasn't using her rational side, it was exactly the opposite of her. But no one was talking, so Cath couldn't get much information."

"That's why she came back to Hawaii to find me", Steve nodded his head, acknowledging Simon.

"Yeah, but that was after when I refused to help her rescue Doris. I didn't want to go against the CIA directly. Being a CIA officer is what I've been doing for most of my life, you know..."

Taking a deep breath, Simon continued, "You were her last resort. Catherine didn't want to come back to bother you, even when it was about **YOUR** mother. I didn't understand why it was so important to her. She was on another mission with me at that time, yet she abandoned that mission to go find you."

Steve felt like someone stabbed a sharp knife through his heart. He was struggling to keep his emotions in check. It was quite a lot to take in. While Catherine was sacrificing everything for him, for the mother he didn't even want to reconcile with, he was enjoying his life, getting laid, flirting with random girls in town or even on a short flight, spending time with his booty call, trying to erase everything about Catherine, including her phone number. Steve silently told himself off for acting like a total jerk, especially when she showed up in front of his house that day. It was heart-wrenching to realize how much he must have hurt her that night, to let her see the romantic dinner he set up for Lynn, which was, after all, just an excuse to reconcile with his sex toy. He wished he could see things from Catherine's point of view. Steve huffed, disgusted with himself, shaking his head in sorrow. He suddenly felt unworthy of her unconditional love.

"The day she left, I asked her why she had to do all of that", Simon set his coffee on the chair left vacant by Doris.

"What did she tell you?"

'Catherine said she was just keeping a promise: that she would take care of Doris as if she was her own mother. I put two and two together and of course, I knew that was her promise to you. And she said it would be worth it if it turned out well."

Noticing the forlorn look on Steve's face, Simon knew better and decided to step back.

At this point, Steve didn't bother to wipe away the tears that were cutting a path down his face, he didn't care that Simon was sitting next to him. He thought about the day when he introduced Catherine to Doris, the day he found out his mother was not only still alive, but also a decorated CIA officer. He needed to talk to Catherine, and he was thrilled that Catherine agreed to come and watch after Doris.

Even though Steve convinced himself that he didn't care about Doris, he was actually over the moon to know his mother liked Catherine and approved of their relationship. It was the first time he ever brought a girl back home when Doris was there, so the experience was new, terrifying, nerve-racking yet unbelievably meaningful and happy. Steve was amazed by how quick and easily Doris picked up the deep feelings he and Catherine had for each other.

He remembered every moment of that day – the feeling of Cath's hands on his chest, calming him down in the way no one else could. Steve closed his eyes for a moment, he could still hear the echo of her soft voice in his head: " _Don't worry! I'm gonna take care of her as if she's my own mother_ ". He could see Catherine instantly regretted saying that and felt a bit shy afterwards. She probably had no idea how happy she had made him by saying that. The idea of Catherine considering his family as her own started penetrating his mind, Steve couldn't stop thinking about building a real family with Catherine one day.

That simple yet thoughtful moment was imprinted on his mind, but for some reason, after everything that had happened with Doris, Steve never thought Catherine was still keeping that promise.

He forgot about all the times he confided to Catherine in the past decade about how much he missed Doris, how much he wished she was alive – even just for one second, just so he could hug her tightly and tell his mother he loved her. He underestimated how much Cath took what she said to heart. She was completely convinced that he loved Doris, so she risked everything to make sure that Doris stayed alive. Of course, Cath knew him better than anyone, even better than him knowing himself. She was right, even after all the lies, Doris was still his mother and he was still her son. That invisible bond would never be changed. He still loved her. Steve recalled how worried he was when they got captured in Morocco, all he could think of was what they would possibly do to Doris, even when they put him on the chair first. Steve tiredly leaned into the chair and the white, cold walls behind him, his thoughts drifting back to Catherine, to everything she had done for him and for his mother.

 _Later that night, after experiencing such a gruesome day, they made love and everything felt different, or at least it was different to Steve. The sex was gentle and meaningful; it had never felt better. Steve really wanted to take their relationship to the next level, but the fact that Wo Fat was still out there and that Catherine could get involved in this whole mess made him hold back._

 _All the events that happened during the day finally started catching up and took its toll on Steve. There was a real possibility that he could lose both Doris – the mother he just got back after 20 long years, and Catherine – the only woman he has ever loved, on the same day. That thought crossed his mind more than once. It was terrifying. They lost 2 HPD officers that day because of Wo Fat. If he hadn't made it in time, Catherine could have been killed as well. Steve was fully aware of how capable and independent Catherine was, but it didn't mean that he was not worried._

 _Catherine scooped closer to Steve, her arms squeezing him a bit tighter. It made her smile to feel how his body relaxed at her touch. She knew it was a tough day for him. She realized that their sex that night was different, too. It almost felt like Steve was trying to convey something else, but she tried not to read between the lines too much._

" _Steve, I'm here if you wanna talk."_

 _His breath hitched with emotion, "I almost lost her, Catherine, again. Today reminds me of what it felt like when my dad told me she was "gone" all those years ago. I never want to feel that again. I was so close to lose her. I was scared", he didn't bother to hide the tears that he had struggled to keep at bay._

" _She's okay now, Steve", she emphasised his name to draw his attention, to make him focus into her eyes, convincing him, "We're gonna protect her, no matter what it costs. I'm not letting anyone to take her away from you, not again", Catherine's affirmative voice made it sound like a guarantee._

" _You know what's even worse, I could have lost you, too", Steve felt relieved that he didn't need to keep his guard up anymore. He got emotional again, "I can't even imagine...what if..." He felt safe with Catherine, especially after their intimate moments. "I don't know how to say this, I'm not a man who is good with words, but I want you to know that you mean a lot to me" . He pulled her in for a deep kiss, not wanting to let her go._

" _I know, I know. You will not lose me. I'm not going anywhere, unless you want me to", Catherine looked right into Steve's blue, gorgeous eyes. That moment, she made a promise to herself, she would take care of Doris, even if Steve doesn't ask her to. It was crystal clear that Steve still cared and loved his mother, he just didn't want to admit it to anyone, not even to himself. Catherine saw right through him. Steve had spent the last 20 years thinking life was unfair to take his loving, perfect mother away from him, blaming his mother for leaving their family so soon. And now that perfect mother appeared again in his life, revealing her real identity along with all the twist and turns – the dark secrets, everything. All of a sudden, things weren't black and white. The life he thought his family had wasn't real. It was a harsh reality for Steve, and Catherine's heart ached for him._

"20 _years... It's fucking 20 years, Catherine. I almost forgot what this feels like. Everything is so fresh, I mean... the last day I saw her, she pulled me in for a tight hug – in front of my whole school", Steve embraced Cath, seeking a bit more comfort from the touch of her skin, "I was embarrassed, and I was so mad at myself for being embarrassed after I heard the news about her accident. I felt like it was my fault, maybe she was upset because I acted embarrassed because of the hug, and she got distracted on the way home and was killed in that car accident. I blamed myself and I wished I could just hug her again... just one more time."_

" _I am so sorry. I wish I could do something to ease your pain", Catherine caressed the wrinkles in his forehead, leaning in to kiss all the tears on his eyes and his cheeks away. Even after all those years, she still felt honoured to be able to be present in these rare moments of Steve, that he trusted her enough to confide in her, and didn't hide his true emotions from her._

" _It turns out I still have a mother. Gosh, it felt really good. I hugged her today, Cath. I'm so mad at her, I hate her, I was so confused, but... I still have a mother. Mary still has a mother, too. And she's so beautiful. She's even more beautiful than what I remember", Steve was basically trembling right now, he struggled to utter every word. The tears in his eyes finally broke free, no matter how much Cath kissed them away._

 _Yes, the man she loved the most deserved to have his mother in his life. Catherine would do everything in her power to make sure of that. He's not going to lose his mother. Ever again._

" _Cath, thank you for being here! I don't know how miserable my life would be without you."_

" _Let's hope you will never have to find out. I'm right here. You're not gonna do this alone", Catherine left another sweet kiss on Steve's lips._

 _Steve felt like he was the luckiest man in the world, he couldn't hide the big grin on his face. What Catherine just told him was a promise of facing the future together, he liked the idea very much._

" _Tell me, what did you and Doris talk about earlier today?", Steve wanted to lighten the conversation, he probably let his emotions out a little too much. Maybe a teasing was much needed._

 _Truth to be told, it was a very embarrassing and awkward conversation, one that Catherine didn't really want to share with Steve at that moment. She tried to change the subject by distracting him. Seducing him._

" _That's not something I really want to discuss right now. There's something else I would like to do, Commander", her hands went south and travelled to slap his backside naughtily. She knew from experience that would turn Steve on instantly: the sound of the word "Commander" and the movement of her naughty hands. Catherine hoped that she would always be the only one who knew this intimate secret about Steve._

" _You know me too well. Just my type of girl, Lieutenant."_

"It doesn't seem like it's worth it for her though. It's hard to listen to the audio we got from when those bastards tortured her". Simon's voice brought Steve back to the reality. "I hope you will start treating her right. Catherine deserves better."

Steve turned to Simon and looked at him, nodded.

"Did you get them good when you guys rescued her?"

"We tried to get out of there immediately once we got her, but me and Joe knocked some guys over pretty good. And you should be very proud of Catherine. Even in her condition, she still managed to break the nose of the guy who hold her hostage. Such a tough girl!"

"That sounds like Catherine", Steve never doubted Catherine's ability. "How bad is it?"

"There is no easy way to say this. You should prepare yourself if we get to see her right after the operation", Simon let out a heavy sign, "And don't touch her hands!"

The door of the operating room opened, catching both men by surprise, and prevented Steve from asking for further information about Catherine's hands. The doctors were still wearing their surgical masks, so Steve wasn't able to read their facial expressions. He was terrified of hearing the worst scenario. He couldn't even breathe, his world was spinning out of control.

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To be continued!


	9. Chapter 9

**From #LuckyStarPham:**

 **Hello, it's me again! Thank you so much for still sticking around and waiting for the next chapter of this story! I am such a terrible writer, haha! I couldn't get my hands on this story for a while, because inspiration didn't visit me. For some reason, I started working on the chapter following this chapter months ago, but couldn't think of anything to write on this chapter. The original idea I had on my head for this chapter was quite emotional, it made me cry really. Too bad I can't convey what I have in mind into words. I am truly sorry!**

 **Stay tuned! I guess the next chapters will be better, if you are patient enough to get stuck with me hahahaha! Enjoy the chapter and please, please, please let me know what you think! Any feedback is welcomed!**

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 **Chap 9:**

"How is she, doctor?"

Steve immediately stood up and moved closer to the doctor who slowly removed his surgical mask.

"We did everything we could, at least she's stable now. We need to keep her overnight for observation. If she can make it through tonight, she'll be transferred to Hawaii next thing tomorrow morning."

"What exactly did she suffer?"

"She went through a lot. Internal bleeding, a couple of broken bones, a mild concussion due to a hit to her head, 2 bullets to her right arm and left shoulder, so she lost quite a lot of blood; and a fever on top of that. I think it's safe to say she took quite a brutal beating and torture, plus she didn't eat properly for the last few days, maybe even longer, her body is too weak to fight against the fever. Also, they broke her fingers by clamping her fingers – very harshly, her fingers are all shattered now. The blood can't travel to the tips of her fingers. She is suffering a tremendous level of pain."

Steve felt a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach when he heard what the doctor said. He wanted to take all the pain away from her so badly. He hasn't even had a chance to look at Catherine yet. Steve knew she should rest, but he couldn't help begging the doctor.

"Can I visit her?"

"She's too weak now, and she's sleeping anyway."

"I won't wake her up. I just want to look at her sleeping."

Five minutes later, Steve was sitting next to Catherine's bed, silently looking at her. The doctor only gave him 10 minutes. Steve could barely breathe upon seeing that the beautiful pale woman lying on the bed. Seeing her like this ripped his heart out more than anything else, it almost felt like he could hear the sound of his heart being broken into a million pieces. Steve didn't bother trying to keep his tears at bay, there wasn't anyone watching him anyway. He leaned closer, observing all the bruises on her face and shattered hands. He wanted so badly to take her hands in his, but he was afraid to cause Catherine even more pain. It was easy to tell that Catherine wasn't sleeping soundly, she must have felt pain in every single cell of her body right now. Steve closed his eyes, softly whispered her name, wishing that he could be the one who took all the beatings and torture instead of the woman he loved.

The woman he has always loved.

Steve didn't think the next time they saw each other would be like this. Just a week ago, he imagined he would propose to her the moment she touched Oahu. He pulled out the ring from his pocket – the same ring he found after a week-long ring shopping mission on almost two years ago. The same ring he was holding when Catherine left him behind.

Could it be fate? That this ring brought them bad luck? Could it be this ring that repeatedly separated them? He should have bought another ring, as if it could bring them a brighter future, but the ring was stunning, simple yet delicate. Just like Catherine. He couldn't let go.

The door was opened, a nurse stepped in to let him know of the time. Steve quietly nodded, being grateful enough that they even let him in. He took another look at Catherine and finally decided to do something.

Steve carefully unfastened the necklace Catherine was wearing, slid the engagement ring onto it and put it back around her neck. He already knew her answer anyway. He gently kissed her on her forehead before leaving, mindful of all the dark bruises on her face.

Catherine had no idea where she was, all she could feel was the pain she was suffering. Both inside and out. She couldn't remember why it hurt so much, not only the physical pain, but also in her heart. Memories came flooding back, but she couldn't see, or remember anything clearly. Everything in her mind was blurry, her attempts - to recall anything recently - failed miserably. Something bad must have happened, the pain was too much to handle.

She was tired, she had never gone down without a fight, but not this time.

" _You are on your own in this mission. There would be no extraction plan. Lieutenant, do you think you can handle this?",_ Was someone talking to her? She would be on her own. On her own.

" _If you want out of this thing, why don't you just look me in the eyes and tell me you want out of this thing?"_

" _But you are choosing the place where I'm not."_

" _If you leave today, I can't... I can't wait for you, not anymore."_

There was another man, who appeared in every single memory, who seemed to cause her a lot of pain. Would it be easier if she just let go of him?

" _If you leave today, I can't... I can't wait for you, not anymore."_

" _This is Lynn. This is Catherine."_

The tears slip down her face, Catherine wasn't sure whether it was from the physical pain or her memories. She couldn't breathe anymore. Maybe she should force his image and the sound of his voice out of her head. Yes... like that... the pain seemed to be a little more tolerable.

Catherine felt like she was letting the memories drift away. Slowly.

It felt like a lot of people were working around her. Or working on her body.

* * *

10 hours later,

Catherine's condition had gotten much better compared to when she was first admitted, but she hadn't regained consciousness. Steve didn't leave his sitting spot outside of her room, unless he had to go to the restroom or to get some crappy coffee from the vending machine.

"Hi", Simon tapped Steve on the shoulder, sitting down next to him.

"Hey", Steve still wasn't sure how he should feel about this man.

"How is she?"

"She's better now, but she is still sleeping. The doctors say she cries a lot in her sleep, probably from the pain, so they're giving her her pain meds. At least she is resting, I hope."

"Can I see her? I'm leaving in a couple of hours. Just want to check on Catherine for the last time."

"I'm not the doctor here", Steve shrugged, shaking his head. This Simon reminded him too much of Billy Harrington. Steve couldn't get rid of the jealousy deep down inside. This guy had always been there for Catherine when he wasn't – for the past two years.

"Already got the doctor's permission. I want to ask you, though."

"You do know that you don't really have to ask me for any kind of permission, right?"

"Of course I know. I just... I don't want you to get the wrong idea about me and Catherine."

"Go ahead", Steve pointed to Catherine's room, and when Simon opened the room and was about to step in, Steve let out a soft sound, "Thanks for asking!"

20 minutes later.

Simon came out of Catherine's room, his eyes reddened and his shoulders sagged. He looked like he was trying to hide his real emotions – something that Steve was so familiar with. For the first time, Steve realised how deep Simon's feelings went for Catherine.

"This is actually so much harder than I thought it would be."

Steve didn't say anything, just waited for Simon to continue.

"Walking away from her."

"Why don't you wait for her to wake up? You can stay if you want."

"I have a job to do, you know... Besides, you're already here. It would be even harder to leave after she wakes up."

There was a long silence between the two men, both were pursuing their own train of thought.

"I always thought I would punch you in the face the moment we met, because I've only heard what went down from Catherine's side and I saw how Catherine pined for you. She couldn't move on, move forward with me – no matter how hard I tried to impress her. But I guess I was wrong. You look a lot more broken than the Steve in my imagination. Catherine deserves to be happy, I hope I will never have to regret what happens today."

"I will treat her right. I won't let her go again. I will fight for her this time", Steve turned to face Simon, that was the very first time they looked each other directly in the eyes.

"Good, that's good. I'll hold you to that. I'm still working for the CIA, I'll keep tabs on both of you", Simon flashed a friendly yet sad smile. He stood up, his eyes set on the door of Catherine's room.

"Simon, there is something I want to ask you."

"Go ahead."

"Was Catherine happy doing what she was doing?"

"Catherine didn't join the CIA of her own free will. She was protecting you. That's all I know. I can't say she hates the job, she's a great asset to any team, she is one of the most outstanding and resourceful officers I've ever known. She's always professional and as I said, she kept things close to her chest for a while, but I can tell her heart isn't really on the job. I think she wants nothing more than to come back to you. It is very hard for me to admit this."

"Thank you! For everything!", Steve sounded genuine. "I will let you know about Catherine's condition."

Hearing Steve's promise, Simon looked at Catherine for the last time through the glass door before turning around and leaving the hospital.

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What do you think about what is gonna happen next?


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello there, people! Finally, I'm back! I look forward to hearing feedback/reviews from all of you! It means the world to me :-) Also, I would love to be able to respond to your review, so please leave a review using your account if you have one hehe.**

 **Also, regarding the reason why Catherine joined the CIA and she was protecting Steve from who, I'm pretty sure I already addressed that on the conversation between Cath and Doris. If you want to know, please revisit chapter 1 or 2. Thank you! ^_^**

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 **Chap 10:**

Catherine was ready to be transferred to Hawaii. While the doctors were preparing for her transfer, Steve called Catherine's parents, who settled down and lived in California, and brought them up to speed regarding what happened to Catherine. Even though Steve and Catherine were no longer together, Steve kept in touch with her parents, especially David Rollins – Catherine's father. Steve had never wanted to be the one who informed Catherine's parents about her being tortured or being injured. His heart broke hearing David cry over the phone. They would catch the earliest flight from California to Hawaii and hopefully they'd be there before Steve and Catherine touched down Oahu.

Catherine was still in a lot of pain most of the time. She didn't have the energy to open her eyes, but she could feel everything happening around her. The doctors must have transferred her to somewhere else, she thought. There was a lot of movement, which made her feel nauseous and sick. Catherine took a guess, she probably was on a plane. Where was she going?

During the flight, Catherine got the feeling that someone was holding her wrist very tightly. She felt thankful because that someone didn't hold her hands, as her fingers still hurt like hell. She tried to open her eyes a couple of times, it was very brief but enough for her to take a peek at the guy who was always at her side. He looked gorgeous. He must be very tired, too. Every time she opened her eyes that guy was sitting next to her with his own eyes closed.

He must be her doctor. It was very comforting for her to know that she being cared for by someone with such capable hands and dedication.

" _What are you trying to tell me, Doris? I'm tired of breaking his heart, he's tired of being betrayed by me. This is real life. Sometimes, things just don't work out. If that girl loves him more than I do and can give him what he deserves, why can't you accept it? As long as he is happy, nothing else matters, right?"_

" _Lynn, she seems like a nice girl. I hope that works out. You deserve to be happy."_

" _Billy... he is a good guy. He is crazy about you. I hope that works out. You deserve to be happy"._

There you go. So much for feeling a little bit better. There was this guy in her mind again. She couldn't see his face clearly, but all the memories started coming back and attacking her again. She decided to shut it down. Getting rid of everything about this guy from her mind. It worked like a charm every single time. She finally could sleep peacefully.

* * *

 **Tripler Hospital, Hawaii.**

Everything was ready for Catherine before she arrived. Her parents and Five-0 were already at the hospital waiting. Catherine's mother cried the moment she saw her little girl, who looked so fragile, being wheeled into the room in that sterile-looking hospital bed. Catherine looked like she had taken quite a beating, it never gets easier to see.

All doctors confirmed her conditions looked pretty good, but she still didn't wake up. Steve never left her side. He looked at her sleeping peacefully. If it hadn't been for all the machines connected to her, Steve would think that maybe she was just asleep, not suffering from a trauma.

"Catherine, I'm sorry. We wasted so much time, I took you for granted, it was all my fault. I want to fix everything, Catherine. Don't you dare give up right now! I will never, ever, forgive you if you don't wake up, Catherine."

On the third day, Catherine finally woke up. It seemed like a really long sleep for her, in fact, she couldn't figure out how long it has been. She had only enough strength to open her eyes for a couple of seconds, but this time, she felt strong enough to stay awake. She was relieved and happy to see her parents. And Kono. Chin. Danny. Max. She knew these people, even though she had no idea how. Everything seemed blurry right now.

And there was this guy. Catherine recognized him as the guy who never left her side while she was sleeping. She was sure of that. Must be her doctor. He was the first one who reacted. She was startled a bit when he moved closer, leaned in and caressed her forehead. Are doctors supposed to behave like that these days?

"Welcome back. Took you long enough. How are you feeling?"

"Headache, but it's fine. Thank you, Doctor."

Catherine could see the change in "the doctor"'s facial expression. Pain, shock. She couldn't figure out what she said wrong.

"What did you just call me, Catherine?", the guy emphasized every single word.

"Aren't you my doctor?", Catherine was surprised. She looked around and stopped when she saw her parents. She held out her hands as if she wanted them to come closer.

"Do you recognize everyone here?", Steve tried to keep calm, but his head felt like it was about to explode. He couldn't believe what was happening.

She forgot about him.

"My parents. Kono, Danny, Chin, Max. Doris."

"And you don't know me?", Steve raised his voice.

"You're not my doctor?", Catherine questioned him back. She had no recollection of this handsome man standing in front of her. He was always by her side, yes, she heard his voice every single day, telling her to wake up, so she just assumed he's her doctor. Why would he be angry at her like that?

"I'm not your doctor, Catherine. I'm Steve. Steve McGarrett."

"Steve? If you're not my doctor, why are you even here? Do we know each other? I'm sure I don't know you."

"Catherine, how could you ever say that to me?", Steve leaned in, looked closely into her eyes, tried to identify a hint of lies in her eyes but found no sign of deception. His heart was being ripped to shreds. He felt hot liquid pooling up at the edge of his eyes.

He couldn't stand it, he couldn't control his anger, he couldn't believe that Catherine actually forgot about him. He didn't know how to take control of this situation. None of his Navy SEAL training, none of Five-0 case prepared him for this. How was he supposed to react when the love of his life forgot about him?

Steve stood up and left the room. The real doctor came in to check on her when Steve was at the threshold of the room. He heard Catherine calling her parents and asking them who he was, which ripped his heart apart all over again. He couldn't stand the pain. It was killing him inside, he needed to get out of the room.

When Danny was about to go after Steve, Doris McGarrett stopped him and followed her son.

"Steve..."

"Mom, I don't wanna talk right now."

''I just want to let you know that I'm here. You can talk to me when you're ready. I'm not leaving you."

"Thank you, I really do appreciate it. But I do need some space right now. Alone. Tell my team as well."

"Okay. I will come back to Catherine's room then."

"Doris, don't bother her! Let her rest!", Steve turned around when he sensed that Doris was leaving.

"Of course, that's exactly what I am about to do. I will just wait outside her room."

* * *

Steve looked out of the window. He had prepared for tons of different scenarios when Catherine woke up, most of them with him popping the question to her, but none of them involved Catherine not recognizing him. Steve lost complete track of time, he hadn't moved and was looking at absolutely nothing for hours. Deep down inside, he freaked out, it felt like even his second chance got screwed up.

"Steve, are you okay?", David approached Steve from behind, startling him. His heart broke for the younger man in front of him. The young man looked lost, and broken. The warrior inside Steve was nowhere to be found, his shoulder sagged, his face riddled with disappointment, and his eyes looked terribly red. David carefully observed Steve, he wished he could tell Steve something to make him feel better.

"I lost my whole world, David. I am not okay. It is not okay", Steve said with a shake of his head.

"I'm so sorry, son. We've just talked to the doctor. She said Catherine was suffering from "motivated forgetting". It is her defence mechanism – either consciously or unconsciously, the coping techniques Catherine used to reduce anxiety or pain arising from some uncomfortable or painful situations. She might also be experiencing "thought suppression", which means she's protecting herself by blocking the recall of all those anxiety-arousing memories. We tried to talk to her and mentioned your name after you left, but she said just thinking about you gave her a headache."

Steve continued to look up into space and after a long, long silence, he finally swallowed and spoke as he turned away from David.

"You know what, David? I made a deal with God. When she was having surgery in Canada, I prayed to God that as long as he let her survive, he could take anything away from me. Anything. She survived, and I... and he...", Steve swallowed, struggling to control his voice, "God took her love for me away from me."

"The doctor said it could be only temporary. You know, it's hard to say for certain when it comes to brain injury."

"Your daughter was the best thing ever happened to me. And nothing worked out. Every time I thought we were good, it turned out bad things were heading our ways. And on top of all that, right now, I'm just a stranger to her. She doesn't even remember me. I kept hoping that she was pretending, but I could see that when I looked into her eyes. I don't know what to do right now, David."

"When it comes to my daughter, there were two times you asked me. The first time I gave you two options, whether breaking up with her or taking the official punishment. The second time, when she decided to stay in Afghanistan, I told you my opinion doesn't matter, but if you ask me, I gave you full permission to move on, and you went behind my back and waited for her anyway."

"What are you trying to imply, sir?"

"Son, it's not that I hate you or anything. I love you, I do, but I've seen you two throughout your whole relationship. I also happen to know that Catherine sacrificed her own happiness for yours, and went against the CIA to get you to rescue Doris. Everything she's done only caused her more suffering. Maybe you two are not meant to be, maybe you're not meant to be my son-in-law. Maybe this is the chance for you both to start another chapter of your life?", David suggested. It hurt him so much to see two of his favourite people in the whole world suffer in their relationship.

"David, sir, with all due respect, I get what you're saying, but I'm not planning on give up on your daughter. I'm not taking the easy way out."

"Good. But I hate seeing you suffer! I mean it. If you decide to be in this, please take it easy on Catherine. Don't push her to remember who you are. Let her recover from all of this first. It's tough on her as well."

"Yes, sir. I'm not sure how to execute this mission. I... I kinda of overreacted and maybe... I... even scared her."

"Then start with the baby steps! Consider this a long-term mission, son."

"Roger that!", for the first time in days, Steve was able to muster a soft smile.

* * *

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! More to come soon! Thank you for sticking around!


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello! ~~~ It's me again!**

 **First of all, thank you, Paula, for always being so sweet and spending your time go through the original version of this! I really appreciate your help!**

 **Secondly, thank you for your support, review, feedback! I look forward to hearing from you guys even more xoxo Feel free to discuss this fic with me via Twitter or PM.**

 **Thirdly, I do feel disappointed writing these chapters (at the same time, I feel excited to keep up with the storyline I came up with in the first place). It is just that I can't seem to express myself very well in English. I wish I could write this fiction in my own language and everyone could understand lol. For that reason, I am sorry if you can't feel the feelings I'm trying to convey. My bad!**

 **Hope you enjoy this chapter! See you next time!**

 **Aloha!**

 **xoxo**

 **Check out luckystarpham dot com for updates of this fiction with images!**

* * *

 **Chapter 11:**

Catherine wasn't able to stay awake long. After some small talk with her parents and Kono, she felt really tired, so everyone left to give Catherine some time to rest. She insisted her mother stay with her, and of course, her mother was more than happy to comply.

"Catherine, you really don't remember Steve?", Caroline hesitated to ask her daughter, she didn't want to cause Catherine more pain, but she needed to know what was happening.

"Mom, who is he? Why does everyone look at me like I did something terrible to him?"

"You heard the doctor. You are experiencing "motivated forgetting". Maybe you choose to forget about him on purpose to protect yourself from being hurt".

"Why would I do that? I don't understand. Who is he? He hurt me so bad that I choose to forget him? He looks like a nice guy, I don't get it."

"All I can say is that you two have some history, he was someone _**very**_ important to you. I had always thought you two would get married one day, but then you two broke up and went on separate paths. You were on some classified mission overseas and I couldn't talk to you about it. We haven't talked for a while."

"Wow. That's a lot to take in. But if we already broke up, how come he's still here and acts like he still cares?"

"That poor kid... I've always considered him as... Never mind, I'm in no position to tell you anything about him. You really should talk to him, whenever you're ready. But right now, you should rest."

"I'm really tired, my hands are killing me, but I need to know. I need to understand", Catherine was just being herself, stubborn and all. How could she rest when she knew something as dramatic like this was actually happening in her life?

"How stubborn you are, Catherine!", David stepped inside the room, smiled at his precious daughter, "Listen to your mom, take a rest first!"

"I will, but right now, can you tell me what exactly happened?"

"What do you remember?"

"I was wrapping up a mission, I was so close, until my cover was exposed, I got captured and the rest is history. Here I am and... I seem to remember everyone, yet I forget someone who is supposed to be important."

"What else do you remember? Do you feel like you are missing something?"

"I remember leaving the Navy, and then joining the CIA, but I don't remember why. I always loved the Navy, I don't know why I retired so early, or why I chose to join the CIA. I'd always been a Navy brat, I wanted to be like you, Dad. I've never wanted to be a spy. There are a lot of holes and blank spaces in my memories. Nothing adds up. I remember being stationed in Hawaii, but I have no idea why I settled down here and became close to those people, Kono, Chin, Danny, Max... They feel like family, and now they all look at me like I've just done something really bad. And Doris... she's like a legend in the CIA, it's actually very flattering to know that she came to visit me", Catherine cracked up a smile.

"Any recollection of Steve?"

"I tried to walk down memory lane, but I got this terrible headache just thinking about him. I want to know, at the same time, my mind won't let me."

"That's what the doctor meant about "thought suppression."

"You need time, Catherine. Now please go back to sleep! Your body needs rest, we are here to make sure you get it! Try to get some some sleep. We won't leave you!", David leaned down to kiss Catherine's forehead. He couldn't remember the last time he used such a gentle voice to order Catherine to sleep. It felt like decades ago. He wished he could have spent more time with his daughter when she was little.

Tiredness finally caught up with Catherine, no matter how much she tried to to fight it. She didn't need much convincing from her parents to finally fall back asleep. She never thought something like this would actually happen to her, she thought those ridiculous stuff only happened in movies or romance novels.

* * *

Catherine woke up after 5 hours of sleep. She caught that handsome man trying to fix the blanket to wrap around her. She was touched, but it didn't mean that this situation didn't creep her out a bit. At the end of the day, this guy – is his name Steve? – was still someone she just met. Like about 6 hours ago.

"Sorry, the blanket fell. Did I wake you up?", Steve got nervous when he noticed the change in Catherine's breathing pattern, he knew she woke up. He wanted to look at her sleeping a little bit longer. He was afraid that she would push him away, considering she was going through a tough time.

"No, it's okay. I'm sick of sleeping anyway. Where are my parents? They said they would always be here."

"They were, they've been here since you arrived at this hospital. I told them to go get some sleep. They haven't slept much for the past few days. It took a lot of convincing though..."

"Oh, okay", Catherine hesitated. After hearing from her parents that "Steve was someone _**very**_ important to her", she felt awkward about not being able to recognise him. She didn't know how to react in front of him.

"Catherine, about my reaction earlier, I'm sorry. I shouldn't..."

"It's okay."

"Let me try again. My name is Steve. Steve McGarrett", Steve smiled at Catherine. He remembered the first time he introduced himself to her.

"Catherine. Catherine Rollins."

"Yes, I know", Steve let out a small laugh.

"Sorry. How much do you know about me? How long have we known each other?"

"I know pretty much everything about you, well, except for the past three years, I guess. A lot of things have happened. We've known each other for 16 years, since the Academy. We started as friends, then best friends, then we fell for each other. We were both committed", Steve didn't try to hide his smile, it always made him blissfully content whenever he thought about what they had since day one – regardless of what happened in the past three years, he had feelings for her since the very first moment he laid eyes on her. Correction, he has **always** had feelings for her **whenever** he lays eyes on her. "It was an exclusive relationship, even though we had never put any labels on our relationship. We agreed that our friendship meant too much to be labelled anything else. Relationship doesn't always work out, but friendship always does."

"But my mom said we broke up."

"Yes. We were too afraid of losing each other, we hesitated, we freaked out, then we somehow lost each other when you chose the job over me. You stayed in Afghanistan. Do you remember Najib in Afghanistan?

"Yes, I remember him. I remember staying in Afghanistan."

"You came back to Hawaii, to me, and you then left me, again. I tried to move on. That didn't work out so well. We were getting back together though. The day before when you got captured, we made up. I was waiting for you to come back home so we could work together to fix things, to move forward together. That was your promise", Steve's face saddened.

"I keep thinking about the reason I chose to forget you. The doctor said it's intentional motivated forgetting. Did you do something that hurt me so bad, that made me hate you so much that I'd choose to get rid of all memories about you?"

"To be honest, the whole time, I always thought of me as the victim in this whole thing. You were the one who got away, broke my heart, left me behind, and I want to know the reason you did what you did. You said you would explain everything when you come back, but you're here now, and you don't even remember who I am", Steve said bitterly, silently rubbed his eyes, revealing his vulnerable side in front of this woman. "Maybe I accidentally hurt you, I mean... I didn't mean to, but maybe I did. Maybe while I think it was you who broke my heart, I did the same to you by not fighting for you, by **trying** to move on", Steve thought about the moment he introduced Lynn to Catherine and the look in her eyes. He was too angry at her to put things into perspective, to realize how lost and broken she was, until Lynn told him about it when she ended things between them. It took him a while to hold himself together before continuing, "I don't know. I took you for granted for a really long time, I assumed you would always be there. We never talk about those things, actually, both of us were never good at talking. I planned to work on that, actually, when you come back. But right now... I don't know anymore..."

Steve couldn't look into Catherine's eyes, so he looked at her injured hands instead. He was so afraid of the look in her eyes – that distant look when he realized she **really** had no clues who he was. To his surprise, her hands gradually moved closer to his face, gently wiping out the hot liquid running over his cheeks. He couldn't feel the touch of her skin, her hands were covered with thick layer of white bandages, but her gesture melt his heart. Steve realized how familiar this scene was. Of all the years in his adult life, Catherine has been the one and only woman who got to see his tears, his sadness, his bitter disappointment, his moment of failure and vulnerability. The only woman he had ever truly let in. Nothing could change that, not even Catherine's current situation, when she was suffering from memory loss and he was nothing but a stranger to her. Steve couldn't believe how stupid he was for not fighting harder for her – for them. Maybe if he did, none of this would have happened.

"Steve, I am so sorry. I don't know what I can do to make this better for you. I tried, but every time I search my memory to try to remember something about you, my head starts to hurt really bad. A relationship of 16 years is really something, it's not fair for both of us. You want answers, so do I. If you are the man of my dream for 16 years, I deserve a chance to understand why I chose you, why I loved you, why I left you, or why I forget about you. We both deserve to know, but it's a lot to take in... I can't handle the pain inside my head", Catherine kept her hand on Steve's left cheek even when she already wiped out all his tears. She could tell he's not a weak man, and she was touched when he wasn't afraid to cry in front of her. This whole situation seemed way too familiar, yet she couldn't clearly remember a damn thing. It was just like de-jà-vú. She was getting mad at herself.

"Take it easy, Catherine! I'm really glad we are on the same page now. We will figure this whole out together, but right now, I need you to fully recover first, okay? This is as hard on you as it is for me. Don't be too hard on yourself!"

"Thank you for being understanding, Steve!", Catherine gave Steve a watery smile.

"You are welcome, Cath". Seeing the change on her facial expression, Steve hesitated, "Can I call you Cath?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe Catherine for now?", truthfully, she just knew Steve for a couple of hours since she woke up, Catherine wasn't sure she's comfortable enough to hear her nickname from him. Although she had to admit, the sound of it coming from his lips was like music to her ears.

"Fair enough. Catherine, I need a favour", even though Steve agreed with David that he wouldn't push Catherine, he couldn't help saying all the familiar things to her, hoping one of them could ring a bell. "I need a favour" can be a good start.

"With my current condition, I'm not sure if I can help you do anything, to be honest", Catherine winked at Steve. She didn't seem like she recognized the familiar phrase, which was indeed disappointing to Steve.

"No worries. Catherine, actually, I was hoping that you could let me take care of you when you stay in the hospital, along with your parents. Don't push me away! Even when we are not in a relationship, we are still each other's best friend. I care about you as much as your parents do. I hope you know that."

" _Just because I'm not in your life anymore, doesn't mean I don't still care about you."_

" _I know, I know."_

That short conversation flashed inside Steve's head. Back then, Catherine was trying to keep their promise from years back – even if their relationship didn't work out, they would always stay friends. Her brave smile and her blessing to him and Lynn hurt him so much, but probably it concealed an even deeper hurt for her. That moment, he was so numb and bitter that he didn't want to try to make sense of anything. Everything added up now. Right now, Steve just hoped Catherine could accept him as a friend, for him to be able to take care of her and help her remember who he was.

"I know that now. Feel free to come in whenever you like, Steve. But please... keep in mind that I might be no longer the same Catherine you once knew and loved. I will try my best, but I can't pretend I know you as my best friend, or my boyfriend. I still don't know you. I don't want to hurt you, Steve."

"I understand. Thank you, Catherine! This means a lot!", Steve squeezed Catherine's wrist, mindful of her shattered fingers. Catherine smiled sweetly, thinking to herself: That was so sweet of him – always being considerate was one of those things Catherine noticed when she was still on the plane. That was one of the reasons why she didn't push him away even though she – at least the current Catherine – literally just knew him a couple of hours earlier, so technically, he's just a bit more than a stranger to her.

"Catherine."

"Don't tell me to sleep more! I'm sick of sleeping", looking into Steve's eyes, Catherine felt like she could read his thoughts, so she responded even before when he opened his mouth.

"That sounds like Catherine that I know", Steve laughed, "Being stubborn as always."

"But really, my eyes hurt from sleeping too much", Catherine sighed, "Can we talk? I really don't want to sleep anymore, I promise I will rest in bed, just not sleep, please".

"Okay. How are you feeling? You lost quite a lot of bloods. You got shot on your shoulder and arm, can you move?"

"I tried earlier, but I guess I was too weak. My whole body is sore. I still feel dizzy most of the time, and I constantly have a headache, especially when I try to think about the things I seem to want to forget."

"I can't believe I am actually saying this, but I guess your memory will return to you when you are ready. You have a more important mission right now: getting back on your feet as soon as possible."

"What about the CIA? I am still with the CIA. Maybe I should contact them to let them know about the failed mission?"

"You didn't fail, the evidence you had gathered was enough for the CIA, and Simon and Doris got the last piece of evidence when they rescued you. That was supposed to be your last mission, and Doris took care of everything. You no longer have to report to the CIA."

"Wow, Doris took care of everything for me? She's like a legend in the CIA, you know that?", Catherine was a bit excited talking about Doris. She remembered hearing a lot about this legendary agent when she first joined the agency. She remembered idolizing Doris. For some reason, she remembered being close to Doris, but again, Catherine had no idea why that would be the case.

"Doris McGarrett. I actually only knew her as a mom. **My** mom. A mom who faked her own death and left her own family for the CIA. I only knew her for 15 years – the 15 years of her life that she was so good at being a mom, not a CIA operative. I probably know less about her than anyone in the CIA", Steve's face saddened, his eyes became cold and distant at the mention of his mom. And then, Steve realized that he did that again. Sharing about his personal life with Catherine, even when she wasn't the same Catherine that he knew. She was no longer – or not yet – his best friend. There was no doubt that no matter she remembered him or not, there was still something about her that made him let her in completely. It has never been easy for him to open up to talk about Doris with anyone, Catherine was always the one and only exception. He stopped sharing 3 years ago when she left, there were a lot of things he didn't even talk to his team. Or his sister.

"I'm sorry to hear that. I know I'm in no position to judge or to give you advice, but you know what I think?"

"What?"

"I don't know what happened in the past, but I know one thing for sure: she's also the mom who came back to be there for you in your hour of need. Or at least this time. I'm sorry I put you through this, but I'm glad Doris is here for you right now. She's still your mom, she will always be your mom."

Steve looked at Catherine, he didn't know what else to say. He leaned in closer and embraced Catherine in a tight hug, tucked his chin to her shoulder, and closed his eyes. Catherine didn't push him away, she silently listened to the thud of his heartbeat, secretly wondering if he felt her racing heartbeat. His unique scent travelled to her nose, giving her a sense of peace. She didn't know where that came from, but she enjoyed his tight, warm hug – very assuring and comforting.

Neither of them knew how long the hug was, both of them were too lost in their own train of thought.


	12. Chapter 12

**_Hello there! I'm back!_**

 ** _Wow, finally, I have time to continue writing the next chapter of this story. Hope you enjoy this chapter! See you next time!_**

 ** _Aloha!_**

 ** _xoxo_**

 ** _Check out luckystarpham dot com for updates of this fiction with images!_**

* * *

 **Chap 12:**

For the next few days, Steve didn't leave Catherine's room in the hospital. He sat outside the room when her parents were inside, and took his shift when they went to get some rest, mostly at night. They didn't have time to talk that much, as the highest priority right now was Catherine's recovery. It hurt him so much to see Catherine experience the pain from the torture every day.

Steve kept his promise to Simon by keeping him updated about Catherine's condition. Even though he didn't really know the guy, he could tell that Simon had it bad for Catherine, because he knew that everyone else could also see that same look in his own eyes whenever he looked at Catherine. It was that obvious.

* * *

Steve stepped inside Catherine's room just as she hung up the phone, she looked at him and smiled. After a few days, Catherine felt like she was really getting used to his presence in her life, she enjoyed it. She felt safe whenever Steve was around. It didn't make things any less awkward for her, though. She still tried to remember things every single day, and failed miserably.

'You look happy today. How do you feel?", Steve sat down next to Catherine's bed, silently looking at her pale body. At least she looked like she'd got her energy back, which was a high improvement compared to two days ago.

"I just got a call from Simon. He called to check up on me."

"You remember Simon?", it didn't get any easier whenever it hit him that he was the only one who Catherine forgot about.

"Of course. He was a great partner, you know, a great officer, always had my back. He was a really good friend, probably my only friend in the CIA. I don't seem to remember a lot of people in the CIA, I don't think I forget them, maybe I don't try to make friends there, I don't know", Catherine considered Steve as a friend now, so she didn't mind sharing things with him. She didn't realize that could accidentally hurt Steve's feelings.

"A good friend, huh?", Steve tried to hide, but the slight jealousy in his eyes didn't go unnoticed in Catherine's eyes. That was the first time he heard Catherine mention Simon, she probably would also remember Billy as well, but Steve didn't want to remind her that he passed away while they were doing a mission together a couple of years ago. The atmosphere in the room suddenly became so intense, as both of them didn't want to dig deeper into this, but neither of them knew how to get out off this topic.

* * *

There was a soft knock on her door. They both looked up, finding Catherine's nurse step inside with a tray of food. She left the food and did a quick check-up on Catherine before leaving. Due to her shattered fingers, Catherine couldn't hold the cutlery properly, most of the time, she finished her food with her parents' help.

Steve was the only one here and she didn't think she should ask him for help. Steve didn't offer to help either. Catherine looked at the plate of salad and the hot soup, decided she would have to try. She picked up the fork and tried to use it, but the thick layer of the white bandage made it so difficult to control the fork and the food. After several bites, she dropped the fork and accidentally spilt the soup onto the small table in front of her. Catherine let out a big sigh, leaning back into her pillow. She hated that feeling, she felt like she couldn't do the simplest thing on her own.

At that very moment, Steve gently grabbed her hands, caressed the back of her hands briefly and put them back underneath the blanket: "Take it easy, Catherine. I know it's hard, but sometimes, it is okay to ask for help. I'm here to make things a little easier for you to deal with. Do you mind if I help you?"

Just looking at Catherine's eyes the moment she saw the tray of food, Steve could easily read what was on her mind. Catherine was the most strong, independent woman he had ever known, it must be very hard to feel so helpless – because he remembered very clearly the week he just got the transplant surgery. Yet he didn't offer to help, because he respected her enough to let her try by herself first. That has always been his way of showing his love for her. Steve tried his best to not become the over-protective kind of boyfriend – even though it was harder some days than the others.

Catherine looked at Steve thankfully and silently nodded. Steve gave her a soft, assuring smile and felt relieved when she accepted his offer to help. He fed her in complete silence. She must have been very hungry because she finished her dinner in almost no time.

"What do you do for a living, Steve?", she asked Steve when she finished the last bite of the soup. She didn't like the food, but she knew she had to eat to regain strength. She was getting sick of spending so much time in this hospital.

"I run a government task force, Five-0. We report directly to the Governor, we work independently of HPD. Kono, Danny, Chin work for me, Max works with me. We used to have Fong, but he got promoted to a higher position in the mainland. You used to work in this task force as well. You were really great at the job", Steve explained to her.

"Does this job give you a lot of free time? Because you're in this hospital all the time", Catherine finally voiced her confusion out loud. Steve spent a lot of time in this hospital, even when he didn't go into her room, she knew he was outside. Her nurse teased her a lot about a handsome man sitting outside of her room all day and night.

Catherine's question took Steve by surprise. It took him a couple of minutes to think how to answer her question. He didn't want to scare her off, but he didn't want to lie either.

"I used to put the job over you all the time, except for when it came to your safety", Steve thought about the time when she was kidnapped, even just for several hours – his heartbeat still racing just thinking about that day. "We both always said: "Job always comes first", I assumed you would always be there waiting for me... until things fell apart, until it was too late and I lost everything that was important to me. Sometimes it feels like...", Steve stopped, hesitated a bit but decided to tell her anyway, "this job of mine... has taken everything good... away from me", Steve looked right into Catherine's eyes, "I've been given a second chance right now, I won't waste it. I learnt my lesson the hard way. It's time to get what's important to me back. At least I'm trying, in my own way. I wouldn't choose my job over you. I can't, even when " **we** " are not the same anymore."

"Steve, you don't have to do that."

"I know I don't have to, but I want to. I haven't officially asked for any days off for any vacation since I started this task force 7 years ago. When you were transferred into this hospital, the governor dropped by. You were one of his favourite officers, he was impressed the moment he recruited you to the team. The truth is the governor was pretty mad when you left without any reason. Anyway, I asked the governor for a break, he was very understanding about this whole situation and approved. Catherine, I can't rewrite the past, but I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I'm choosing **you** over my job this time."

"That's very flattering, but honestly, I don't know how I should feel", Catherine was moved by what Steve had just said. She felt even more guilty that she couldn't get back her memories about Steve. The only thing she could offer him right now was a friendship.

"Even if you don't remember me, I still want to spend time with you, to take care of you. At least until when you get back on your feet. I hope you don't mind."

"I don't. Thank you, Steve, really! No one has ever treated me the way you do. I hope one day, I will learn to love you the way you love me."

"You figured that out once. You'll feel it again", Steve smiled. The hint of hope in his eyes and the sound of happiness in his voice when she mentioned the word "love" was so contagious that it made her have butterflies in her stomach. It was getting harder to control herself in front of him.

* * *

After almost two weeks, Catherine was nursed back to full health. She needed to start thinking about next steps, as she had no job to go back to after being discharged from the hospital. Even though her parents wanted her to move back to the mainland for some time, they made it clear that the decision should be totally hers to make.

Catherine was totally stunned the moment she saw the tall black man waiting for her in the hospital room when she came back after getting some fresh air.

"Lieutenant Rollins", the man smiled and nodded at her.

"Uncle Denning", Catherine didn't really remember this man as the governor of Hawaii, she only found out when she saw him on the news on TV the day before, she only remembered him as a really old friend of her father.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm doing really great. Thank you for dropping by! I totally didn't expect this at all".

"I'm so glad that you return to my island again, Lieutenant", Denning preferred to call Catherine "Lieutenant", because he remembered when Catherine was a little girl, she would run around the house, pretending to be a Lieutenant like her Daddy. Denning had always liked Catherine even though he wasn't that close to David Rollins. In his impression, that little girl Catherine Rollins was one of the smartest and most brilliant girls. He was thrilled when Steve told him he wanted to recruit Catherine as an official member of Five-0 three years ago. Denning was even more impressed after going through Catherine's achievements and research as a Lieutenant in the US Navy.

"Commander McGarrett told me about your condition, I'm so sorry for what you had to go through."

"It's okay. I'm safe now."

"Actually, I was referring to you and Steve. He not only works for me, he is my friend, too."

"Oh...", Catherine's heart clenched over the fact that even Uncle Denning knew about the relationship between her and Steve in the past, it confirmed how deep and serious the relationship was.

"The CIA called in, vouched for you and apologised that they took you away from Five-0 in the first place. That's why I'm here to, one more time, offer you a job – whenever you're ready to come back to work, or if you're ever interested in working with Five-0 again. Commander McGarrett is lucky to have you on his team", Denning held out an envelope with a neat handwriting on top, "This is a personal favour I am doing for Steve. He doesn't want to push you into any decision, but he really hopes you'll consider this."

"Of course, I will. It's a great opportunity. And... Thank you, Uncle Denning, for believing in me! I feel so honoured."

"Don't mention it!", Denning nodded and smiled at Catherine. He left shortly after that for an important meeting, leaving Catherine alone in her room with the letter from Steve.

 _"Hey Sailor,_

 _I just want you to know that no matter how hard this whole thing is, I am not giving up on you, on us, this time. Someone told me: "You stop loving someone because you fall out of love with them, not because they hurt you badly." She said she was taught to fight for the things she loves, fight for the things she believes in. I second that. No matter how hard I try, how much pain I get, I can't fall out of love when it comes to you._

 _All I'm asking is: Give us a second chance, Catherine. Give yourself a chance to rediscover our love. If you are up to this, return to Five-0! This team always can use your expertise, you've always been a great asset to my team._

 _Or else, whatever you decide to do, please let me be a part of it!_

 _Steve."_


	13. Chapter 13

_**G'day!**_

 _ **Sorry for not updating in a really long time! Real life is busy and I just couldn't find the time to write or enough inspiration to write :) Thanks for putting up with me! Look forward to hearing your feedback or comment or appreciation!**_

 _ **Aloha!**_

* * *

 **Chap 13:**

Catherine was alone in her room, clutching Steve's letter close to her heart. She couldn't stop the dull ache in her chest after reading the letter. She read the letter several times, and each time brought her a flood of emotions that she couldn't control. It was crushing her lungs.

She had heard those lines before.

Some scattered, blurry memories hit her.

A woman in white.

A hint of jealousy. The hint of comparison - that woman could give him something she could never.

An awkward and painful encounter.

Guilt. So much guilt.

The urge to set him free.

" _You're like a drug to me, no matter how much you hurt me, I keep coming back for more."_

That last sentence echoed in her head. It seemed like a lifetime ago. That was all she could remember for now, and her mind shut everything down with an aim to stop the uncontrollable pain before anything made sense. Nothing broke her more than dealing with the past.

But those painful, faded memories help Catherine make up her mind. She wasn't so sure about the idea of returning to work with Five-0 before, but now she's 100% sure.

She needed to rediscover her past. She owed to herself, and to Steve.

That Monday, Catherine showed up at Five-0 Headquarter inside Iolani Palace. The security guy smiled at her, called her by her first name, gave a friendly wave, and let her go inside – without checking with Five-0 first or giving her the Visitor Card – as if he knew her very well.

Going into the elevator, Catherine took a long, deep breath. She was very nervous about working with Five-0. She had spent most of her adult life working in the Navy and with this job, she was stepping out of her comfort zone. Even though she remembered working for the CIA, she also remembered she didn't enjoy it. She knew she could do the job, but it wasn't the same. It just didn't feel right. She wondered if the same thing would happen if she chose to work for Five-0 – yet wouldn't have that same job satisfaction like in the Navy. Catherine didn't know what was waiting for her behind those glass doors – she was now standing right in front of Five-0 office. Steve's encouraging words and Governor Denning's trust suddenly boosted her confidence. Suddenly, every inch of her surroundings seemed very familiar, and she realized she came straight up to the Five-0 office without even checking the map in the lobby. Maybe she's more ready for this than she thought.

"It's time to do this", Catherine whispered to herself.

* * *

"Hello guys! I hope I'm in the right place", Catherine stepped inside the office, seeing all the members of Five-0 standing around the smart table. She nervously greeted everyone. Chin, Kono and Danny all visited her a couple of times in the hospital, but Kono was actually the only one that spent time talking to her. The guys just dropped by to check up on her quickly. Catherine could totally see the uncomfortable look in Danny's eyes when he visited, so she was totally shocked and overwhelmed that he was the first to come over and pull her into a tight hug. A genuine hug.

"Welcome back, Catherine. It's so good to see you here!", all of Catherine's fears that Danny hated her were gone after that hug. Whatever had happened between them was clearly water under the bridge now. After Danny, Kono and Chin both moved in to embrace her.

Steve wanted nothing more but to embrace Catherine just like everyone else, but he was afraid that if he hugged her, he wouldn't be able to let her go. Steve maintained his position, quietly observing every expression on Catherine's face – he wanted to make sure she's happy. He didn't want her to feel forced into to do something against her will. Steve still felt the pain whenever he thought about the day she left:

" _Come back to Five-0."_

" _No. Five-0 is you. It's always gonna be your thing. Okay? I need to build something on my own."_

Steve just wanted her to be happy. Not only happy to be with him, but also feel happy with her professional life. He knew work was important to her, as well.

Catherine looked at him, gazed into his soulful hazel eyes and smiled. She looked like she knew what she was signing up for, which meant the world to him at that very moment. Steve felt gloriously content to see her in his office today. After asking Governor Denning to bring her the letter, Steve called David every day to check up on her, but he didn't visit her in person, because he knew Catherine needed some time to think. He had done everything in his power to fight for her, he was waiting for her to make up her own mind.

And she did. She truly didn't disappoint him. Steve nodded and beamed at her, silently admiring her beauty. Such a sight for sore eyes!

Catherine's first day went better than she expected. Steve let her make the most of her special skills that she acquired from the days in the Navy to help the team. She blended in with ease, picking up the fast-paced style of thinking that every member of Five-0 has. Catherine was impressed with how fast she got the hang of the smart table or technologies Five-O was equipped with. It was as if she had gone through this process before.

The truth is, if she was being honest with herself, she would have to admit that standing here right in the centre of Five-0 office, working with these four people: Steve-Chin-Danny-Kono seemed comfortingly familiar.

It wasn't weird or awkward at all.

It felt right.

* * *

 **Several days later.**

 **Five-O's Interrogation room.**

Steve and Catherine were interrogating the main suspect they've just caught in the case the team was working on. The suspect was James, the ex-boyfriend of the victim who was murdered last night – a Japanese-American university female student named Makana ( _a gift to the world_ ). Based on the statement of Makana's parents, Five-0 followed and arrested this young man who appeared to be in his late 20s for further investigation.

"I already told you guys it wasn't me", James was genuinely angry and upset, especially after Catherine showed him a picture of Makana when she was found. Full of bruises on her face and body.

"Yeah, you are not the first suspect who denied their crime. You were the last person who called her. 12 missed calls within one hour", Catherine snapped back at him, "What were you doing around 10pm – 1am last night?"

"I was sitting on the beach. Drinking. Reflecting."

"At night? So you've got no alibi?"

"I don't know if there was anyone around. Don't think so. I was too drunk. But I didn't kill her. Believe me, I love her", Hearing the hint of pain in James's voice and seeing his facial expression, Steve's guts told him James wasn't their guy. It reminded Steve of himself when he thought he would lose Catherine, when she was still in the hospital and no one told him anything about her condition. The worst thought paid him a visit for a couple of seconds, and it fell like going to hell several times. Regardless of James's past, Steve believed this guy. For now.

"But you two already broke up, her sister told us. Her parents said you did nothing but hurt Makana."

"It was because they didn't like me. They hold a grudge against me, no matter how hard I tried, they never saw me as a solid guy. They never tried. Yes, we broke up last week. Makana said she needed more than what a relationship could give her right now. She said she was still young, she wanted to pursue her dancing career, she got an offer from a company in New York, someone very prestigious. I respected her choice, so I let her go. I set her free. She booked the ticket to New York that day, and she was supposed to leave tomorrow. That's why I'd been drinking. I tried to call her last night, but she didn't pick up."

"You respect that? Sound too noble for a guy with an impressive criminal record like you? No?", Catherine questioned the suspect. Noticing Steve has been awfully quiet since they stepped into the room, Catherine looked at Steve to see if he agreed with her logic.

"I don't care if you believe it or not. It's the truth. I might be not a good person, but I'm no killer. I would never, ever do anything to hurt her. Makana is, no, was, the best thing that ever happened to me. She changed me", James's shoulder sagged, he looked completely lost.

Catherine felt Steve's eyes on her the whole time the suspect talked, but she tried to ignore it, while James continued after trying to hold back, "I can't undo whatever I did in the past, it's always gonna be there. Her family doesn't approve of me, and I can't exactly blame them. But I love Makana. She was the only person on earth who could see the good in me, and believe in me."

"You said you loved her, but you didn't convince her to stay. Why is that?", Steve raised his voice for the first time, it sounded more like questioning himself than questioning the suspect. James's case hit too close to home to Steve, he could almost see himself in James. Why didn't he convince Catherine to stay when she wanted to leave in the first place? Was it because he didn't love her enough?

"Commander, ask yourself. Have you ever loved someone more than yourself? Have you ever looked at someone and realized you're not good enough for them? You just want the best for them, you just want them to be happy. I couldn't ask Makana to stay, dancing has always been her dream. I went with her to most of her dancing classes, I loved seeing her smile on stage. She was living her dream. And who I am? Just a normal guy with a dark past. Nobody took me seriously, or believed in me, except for Makana. I had nothing, the only thing I could offer her was my love. I couldn't offer her the world. But her family could. Dancing could. She went against her family for me, I couldn't see her give up on her dream because of me", James broke down in uncontrollable tears. Tears blurred his vision, he didn't bother to look up at the other man in the room, whose tears also pricking his eyelids. Steve was trained not to get emotional at work, but hearing James's words was like getting a stab in his own heart. He knew exactly that feeling, because he lived it once.

Catherine silently observed Steve, sensing the change in his breathing pattern. He looked like he was totally convinced.

"I believe you, for now. You'd better tell us the truth. We will check your story out."

Steve turned his back to James and went to the door, waiting for Catherine to leave. His right hand was on the door knob when James suddenly raised his voice – it almost sounded like begging.

"Commander, can you do me a favour?"

"What favour?"

"Can you do Makana justice? Can you find the guy who killed her? And put him in jail for the rest of his life?"

"That's exactly what I intend to do", Steve turned around, "I won't do it for you though."

"It doesn't matter, as long as you keep your promise. Find the one who is responsible. She deserves at least that", James whispered to himself.

Catherine stopped at the door to wait for Steve, they exchanged a brief look. It hurt Steve to realize that he was no longer be able to read what Catherine was thinking. He couldn't concentrate on the case, he kept thinking back to his situation with Catherine. This wasn't the first time Steve asked himself if it was the right decision to encourage Catherine to come back to Five-0. It was more difficult than ever to consider her just a co-worker. She meant so much more than that to him.

"Have you ever regretted it?", Steve looked right into James' eyes, he wasn't sure if he asked James or just voiced the question he has been asking himself for years – since he didn't try to convince Catherine to come back for him – because his ego was too big.

"What?"

"Letting her go. If you could have fought for her, to make her stay, none of this would have happened", Steve subconsciously turned his eyes to Catherine, as if he was talking to her. If he had fought for Catherine, made her come back, made her stay, none of this would have happened. Catherine wouldn't have been captured and tortured, she wouldn't have lost her memory, they would be still together, so much in love and maybe even starting a family together.

That was a big "If". If he had fought for her. If he had let her know how much he was in love with her.

"If I had asked, she would have stayed. But then, I would be the one who killed her dream. That would be selfish. I might be a bad guy in everyone's eyes, but I don't want to be that kind of guy in Makana's eyes."


	14. Chapter 14

_**G'day!**_

 _ **Wow, it's been almost a year since the last time I updated this fic. I was disappointed with my writing & was a bit discouraged, too. Felt like I had so much to tell but couldn't express what I had in mind in words. **_

_**I almost forgot about this fic until I heard Steve broke up with Lynn (on the show). I personally hated the character Lynn, but loved playing around with this character – writing about her (I did write about her in both "Set you free" and "The only girl", even "In love and pain"). Of course, Lynn can't hold a candle to our beloved Catherine, but I kind of like to give her some credits (at least thanks to her, Catherine knew about the proposal. Its better than nothing). My favourite scenario involving Lynn is actually how Lynn broke up with Steve first (Chapter 5 of "Set you free"). Anyway, thank God they are no longer together. Best news of the month.**_

 _ **So I revisited this story and realized I actually pretty much finished this story – just never had the courage to post it. After almost a year, I guess no one still remembers the storyline of this silly fiction, so please reread the previous chapters if you need to. I'm so sorry it took me so long. But hey, I did it, I finished it!**_

 _ **Final chapter will be posted later :)**_

 _ **Look forward to hearing your feedback or comment or appreciation!**_

 _ **Aloha!**_

 _ **P.S: Thank you so much, Paula, for always helping me out! You are the kindest sistah in this fandom!**_

* * *

 **Chapter 14:**

Another hectic day passed by and eventually, after 20 hours of chasing all the leads, Five-0 captured the murderer and wrapped up the case.

Catherine stayed in her office, trying to finish all the paperwork after the case. She didn't like to leave things unfinished. She didn't realize it was pretty late until she opened up a new message on her phone and accidentally saw the time.

Catherine went out of her office and noticed the light in Steve's office was still on. Being curious, she went closer to his office door. Steve had his back turn to her and was leaning towards his desk. He was lost in his own thoughts, too busy looking at the painting hanging on the wall - of the boat wandering on the ocean, and two ship models right next to it.

"Everything alright?", Catherine asked, her voice was so soft as if she was afraid she would startle him.

"Yeah, everything's fine", it took Steve a while to answer Catherine's question. He was trying to wrap his own emotions inside his head, trying to control his damn feelings, but it was tough, especially after dealing with a case that hit so close to home.

The recent interrogation reminded him of when Catherine chose to stay in Afghanistan, and when she chose to leave him behind in Hawaii.

Steve gradually turned around to face Catherine. She was taken aback by the pain clearly written on his face. It felt like someone stabbed her in the middle of her heart with a sharp knife when she saw Steve hurting.

"Are you drinking?"

"Yeah, a bit. I saw you were still working. Didn't want to leave you here alone".

Catherine gently shook her head, moving closer to Steve.

Realizing he might cross the line, Steve quickly changed his words: "I'm sorry, let me rephrase that. Didn't want you to be the last one in the office. A good boss should stay later", Steve would rather stay in the office with her, even in different rooms, than coming home to a lonely house. He just wanted to spend more time in the same atmosphere with Catherine.

"I'm fine. You didn't have to do that. I've just finished. I was about to head home. Are you sure you're alright?"

"Actually, I could use your company. Just 10 minutes, if you don't mind", he waved another bottle of Longboard in her direction. His favourite brand. _**Their**_ favourite brand. He couldn't remember how many times they had shared those peaceful, quiet moments, drinking Longboards and enjoying each other's company.

"Okay", she moved closer to stand next to him, accepting the bottle from him. Sensing Steve wasn't really in a good mood today, she took a sip, patiently waited for him to speak first.

"How are your hands?"

"A little sore, but I'm okay."

"I'm glad you're safe."

"Thank you."

He looked at Catherine intently, then diverted his head in another direction – her hands, trying to keep his emotions in check. There was nothing that Steve wanted more than to reach out to hold her hand.

"I'm really okay, Steve."

"Cath, I never thought we would have this day. You were in danger, and the only thing I could do was to say "I'm glad you're safe".

This was the hardest thing, that they made a promise, yet he remembered, and she didn't. He's in love with her, and she's not.

"I'm sorry if I crossed the line today. I was trying to be professional, but I freaked out thinking about the slightest danger you were in. It was hard, you know... to let you go in the field this soon. I didn't mean to doubt your ability... I keep forgetting that you don't remember the things I remember". Steve took a large gulp of his drink.

Catherine knew Steve was referring to the moment earlier today, when he pulled her in a tight hug in front of HPD and their team after she had taken a bad hit to her head by the back of the suspect's gun. Catherine was touched by the overprotective side of him, but at the same time, she felt a bit underestimated. She hadn't talked to him since coming back to the office.

Noticing Steve had no intention to stop drinking, Catherine leaned in and took his bottle away, "You're not supposed to drink, Steve. It's not good for your new liver."

"It's okay. Nobody cares anyway."

"Don't say that! Everyone cares."

"Everyone" never stopped me from drinking. No one ever said anything. Well, except for Max, I guess it's his doctor nature talking."

"Then I will. I care. My great uncle got a liver transplant a few years back, but he didn't stop drinking even after the transplant, in the end, it didn't work out so well for him."

"Yeah, Uncle Glen. I remember him."

"Wow, you knew?", Catherine was surprised. She didn't realize how much of her life she had shared with Steve.

"Yes, you two were close. He was your favourite uncle. We even visited him together once. Before my last deployment. Before he passed away."

"Steve, I'm sorry. Those memories with you... I still haven't remembered anything...", it's Catherine's turn to knock back her own Longboard.

Steve wanted to say something to comfort her, like "Take your time" or "Cut yourself some slack, don't push yourself too hard", but he couldn't. It sounded very selfish of him, but he really wanted Catherine to remember the time of her life she had shared with him. His patience was wearing thin.

They stood next to each other in complete silence, each contemplating their own past, present and future.

"It's a really nice model of the USS," Catherine finally broke the long silence and pointed at the USS model he was staring at since she stepped in.

"It really is. It's a gift from your father."

"Oh really? Were you two close? I can't really imagine my father and older brother can keep peace with my "boyfriend"."

"Well, we didn't even use the words. We pretended it wasn't an exclusive thing, but it was, for both of us. Lucky for me, your dad and Michael both approved."

"How did you convince my dad?", Catherine wanted to recall all those memories on her own, but her curiosity got the better of her.

"I really wasn't good at first impressions. You hid me well, it took him a long time to figure out there was something going on between us. That was the first mission we did together, you joined the mission at last minute. He happened to be the leader of the team. I lost my head, about you being under my direct command and him being my C.O. My luck couldn't get any worse."

"Was the mission successful?"

"Yes, but after I almost blew up the mission trying to get you out of danger. Keeping you safe was all I could think about. My priority changed, I let my emotions cloud my judgement. I put myself in more danger and risked failing the mission."

"I treated you unequally, you knew it, I knew it, you called me out on it and I refused to apologise. We both were so stubborn to think from each other's point of view. We fought for the first time, and your dad chose that exact moment to walk in and confront us. Your father asked me to have a private conversation with him and asked you to leave. Even though you were so angry at me, you still defended me in front of your father", Steve smiled at the fond memory.

"I would be still angry now if you risk failing the mission because of me. I guess some things never change."

"Yes, some things never change. I would never apologise for putting your safety over mine. It's always been that way, no matter what."

Catherine's heart ached to hear Steve saying that, yet she had butterflies in her stomach watching his facial expressions. She didn't realize she was picking up her second Longboard, "What happened after that? What did my dad say?"

"Even back then, I never told you what your father and I discussed. I'm not sure if he told you."

"Tell me now. I want to know", Catherine's stubbornness kicked in.

"As my C.O, he gave me a piece of his mind for letting my emotions cloud my judgement, but as a father, he then thanked me for trying to protect his daughter. He said it's not a good idea that his daughter got involved with a Navy man, but he said he knew it could happen one day. He was worried that our relationship could affect your career, so he asked me, no, ordered me to break things off with you. He even pulled rank on me", Steve laughed, his eyes lighting up thinking about how intense that conversation was with Catherine's father.

"Oh, it totally sounds like something dad would do", Catherine rolled her eyes, "and did you break up with me?"

"No. I don't know where I got the courage from, but I refused to follow your dad's direct order. He wasn't too happy about it."

"Of course he wasn't."

"You know what's funny? I never had the courage to tell you I loved you until years later, but the first time I met your dad, I was brave enough to tell him that I loved his daughter. Love was a big word for me. It was terrifying, but I didn't lie. I was young, but I really meant it. I told him I wouldn't leave you unless that's what you wanted."

"That was very nice of you, Steve, but I would have really appreciated it if you could have told me you loved me before you told my dad."

"You never told me you loved me either."

"Fair enough. But I always wondered: Did I love you the way you loved me?", it was a weird question, but she needed to know. Everyone around her told her that she loved Steve so much that she sacrificed almost everything for him, but she had no recollection of that.

"That is something you need to find out on your own. I believe so. I... hope so", Steve let out a soft sigh, he turned to look intensely into Catherine's eyes, hoping the memory would trigger something at the back of her mind.

"How did my dad react after that?", Catherine's heart sank when she saw the disappointment in his eyes because she didn't seem to recall any of this. She wished she could, but the truth was she remembered none.

"He said I earned his respect. He gave me two options: break up with you or take up an official punishment. I took the punishment, it was a no-brainer. He kept in touch after that. Years later, David was the one who recommended me to SEALs, along with Joe White. He acted like a true second father to me. I think I was closer to your dad than my own dad. He was there for me most of the time. Even after you decided to stay in Afghanistan. He checked up on me. Having a connection to not only you, but also your family... it meant everything to me, Catherine."

There was something he didn't tell Catherine. He looked up to David a great deal, so when David told Steve to move on from Catherine, it broke him down, tore him up inside, completely destroyed him. It was hard enough to receive "advice" from people around him, it was thousand times harder when the advice came from the Rollins family. But Catherine didn't need to know about this now.

"When I left Naval Intelligence to transfer to Navy SEALs, your father gave me this model of USS as a gift. He knew me well. It reminded me of all the fond memories we had on that ship. You got me another one, this one", Steve pointed to another model of USS ship right above. "Like father like daughter. You both picked the same gift – a model of USS Enterprise. David actually beat you, your gift reached me several days later. You were not very happy about losing to your dad."

He kept both models in his office ever since he started Five-0. It was his way of keeping all memories from his Navy time close, keeping Catherine close.

"I'm glad you liked the gift. What about this painting?", Catherine pointed to the painting hung on the wall in front of her.

"It was my 30th birthday present – from you. It was one of the rare birthdays that we were lucky enough to have our leave at the same time and actually spent my birthday together. You rented a private boat for us, we were on the boat for a week, and I got to see you create this painting."

 _It was a blast watching Catherine focusing on working magic on the painting. She woke up very early in the morning, working on the painting a couple hours every morning. He wanted to seduce her back to bed for a couple more hours, but the sight of her painting melted his heart, so he sat back, grabbing a cold bottle of beer, enjoying the magnificent sight in front of him. The woman he loved, the blue sky, the ocean. Some mornings, she painted while he went fishing, next to her. In silence. Everything was perfect, it almost felt unreal. Steve loved his job, but he secretly wished this vacation would never end._

"I knew you painted a lot during your free time, but I didn't really spend much time with you to realize how talented you were. You were serious and focused. I was totally surprised. You looked relaxed, it's nice to watch. That week was awesome. No work, no duty, no mission, no assignment. Just us, the boat, the ocean, the water. I had the best time of my life."

"I thought we broke up at some point. You still keep my presents in your office?"

"Couldn't get rid of them. They've become too important. There's another painting, Waimanalo Beach."

"My favourite spot on the island? That I remember", Catherine interrupted Steve.

"Yes, that's right. You left it at your place, I moved it to my house. I actually tried moving this painting out of my office once. Put it in my garage for a week. Didn't feel right. So I put it back to where it belonged."

He remembered that week. It felt a lot longer than just a week. Whenever he couldn't concentrate, he looked up at the wall, but nothing was there, except for some solemn certificates and achievements. The single thing that had always centred, balanced him, grounded him, calmed him, for so many years, was no longer there.

He remembered not being able to breathe. Just like some of the bad nights when he woke up and realized losing Catherine wasn't just a dream, but a reality.

That was certainly something he would never want to go through ever again.

He remembered the next day, he came into the office, put the painting back before anyone else arrived.

"I learnt a lesson. Never deny who I was."

Catherine silently looked at Steve, using her eyes to encourage him to continue.

"I was just a guy. Who fell in love with this girl for 16 years." Best thing ever happened to him. She helped him get through the most difficult times of his life. No matter what happened, he could never deny what she had done for him. Even when she's no longer in his life, she would always be a very important part of his life. That kind of love would always be imprinted in his DNA. "I stopped caring what people would think of me and if they would judge me. It gave me peace."

Those words touched the deepest part of Catherine's heart. She wanted to cry for him, she hated herself for being the reason this man was in such pain. She wished she could immediately remember everything about them, she felt so useless that she couldn't.

She gazed up at the painting as if there was something she would remember.

"Did you remember anything?", Steve asked, his voice was full of hope.

"Steve, did you check the back of the painting?"

"No, I didn't. I framed it right after we landed. Why?"

"I think I left something there. I always do. I don't remember this painting, but I do remember I draw a lot. It winds me down, grounds me. And I always write something at the back, some random thoughts while I draw."

"Let's check it out together. Are you up for this?", Steve was both excited and nervous to rediscover something from their past. Together.

"I am. Let's do this", Catherine was eager to find out. Finally, there was something she could discover by herself instead of just listening from someone else's memories.

* * *

Let me know what you think :)


	15. Chapter 15

**Hello ~~~**

 **Finally, the time has come. Time for the last chapter. I actually reread the whole fic and realized there were so many details I wanted to continue, but right now, this feels like the ending I want to give them. I might or might not write another chapter regarding how Catherine's memories came back and her full explanation why she left the second time, but I also want to wait for the show's explanation (if Peter Lenkov is kind enough to give us that one day).**

 **So, generally, I'm pretty happy with how I wrote these 15 chapters. Reading them at once reminded how much fun I had thinking about them every night before going to bed (well, it sounds so weird but IDGAF). I'm pretty proud of each character I wrote, not only Steve and Catherine, but also my Doris, my Chin, my Danny, my Kono and especially my Lynn. I guess they are all different from the show you're watching, but they are the best version of themselves in MY HEAD (not trying to force your opinions though). The only person I can't write about is Lou – as far as I remember, he was the one who kept pushing Steve to Lynn in the first place and never showed any support to Catherine. Damn, I'm still bitter – and disappointed. Did he really use the word "weekend booty" on Lynn or was it just in my head? Tell me in the comment.**

 **Anyway, enough time for my rant. I hope you enjoy the last chapter!**

 **See you next time! (if I ever write another chapter or story)**

 **-LuckyStar/Catherine-**

* * *

 **Chap 15:**

Steve took down the painting from the wall and removed the frame. Catherine took out the hard piece of paper she used to stabilise the painting and revealed the back.

Indeed. Something was written at the back. In her handwriting.

" _Steve. Thank you for being born into this world! Happy birthday!_

 _I love you._

 _Always._

 _P.S: I've been keeping it for myself for so long. I finally can say it now. Consider this my birthday gift. You don't need to say it back if you're not ready."_

Steve was paralysed. It was a lot to process. Catherine said she loved him on his 30th birthday, but he had never found out. He wondered if the "old" Catherine would doubt his feelings for her and thought he didn't feel the same way the whole time. Or if she could have thought he was too scared to respond, or he wasn't ready. It's just that he honestly had no idea.

"Catherine", his voice cracked, "I guess this answers the question you asked me earlier", Steve turned to Catherine, didn't bother to wipe the tears that he knew were making their way to his face. He didn't care. He never had to hide his true emotions in front of this beautiful woman.

"I'm sorry I never knew. This painting was 4 years before I moved back to Hawaii. You said this and I had no idea. I was too afraid of losing you if things didn't work out. I didn't want to ruin us, I was afraid you didn't feel the same way. If I had known, I would have said "I love you" back before it's too late. Maybe you wouldn't have decided to stay in Afghanistan. I thought you didn't love me enough to come back, to stay here. I'm so sorry, Catherine..."

Steve was ranting, but he couldn't speak when Catherine moved closer and kissed him on his lips. The kiss deepened, and their hands seemingly were all over each other's body. Catherine felt like her whole body was on fire, the familiar feeling came back, and happiness was crawling all over them.

When they finally pulled away from each other, Steve hesitantly looked into Catherine's eyes, observing her closely. He wanted nothing more than to cover her mouth with his over and over again, having his way with her, but to his disappointment, Steve knew it wasn't the same Catherine standing in front of him. He let out a sigh he didn't realize he was holding, trying to control his erection down there. It took him several minutes before he whispered.

"Catherine, don't do this. I want to be loved by you, not sympathised. I don't need your sympathy. It's hard enough. I don't want us to do this for the wrong reason."

"Steve, listen to me."

Catherine tried to get Steve's attention, using her hands to hold his face, to force him to look at her. His blue eyes saddened, which ripped her heart out. Catherine had never seen Steve this fragile and forlorn, he was always a brave, confident, sometimes indifferent, leader.

"I need you to know something. I haven't remembered anything yet, but I am trying. I am getting there. But right now, I want to be honest with myself. I feel like I've started falling for you, and it's getting fast."

Steve's face lightened up hearing Cath's confession. His hands tightened her sides a little bit.

"I got so worried when you threw yourself out there in the field at work every day, I was afraid you would get hurt", Cather gently touched the bruise that was slowly fading on his forehead, "I don't know where that came from. I denied my feelings at first, trying to convince myself I care because you're my boss, but I've come to realize it's much more than that. I think I'm falling in love with you, Steve."

Steve broke into a goofy grin, feeling like he was falling in love over again, just like the first time. The worry written in his eyes was temporarily gone, replaced by a hint of contentment and hope.

"I might not be at the point where I love you as I used to in the past yet, but please be patient with me, please! Don't give up on me, don't give up on us! I agreed to stay in Five-0 to find out about the memories that I lost, to give us another chance. I'm asking you to be really patient with me. Look at me, Steve. Do you understand?"

"Catherine, kiss me again."

Steve demanded, and Catherine didn't need to be told twice. She dragged Steve closer and started kissing him. The kisses were longer, deeper and much more passionate than the first kiss. Their tongue happily duelled against each other. Steve finally stopped fighting his body, letting himself rub against Catherine. Her smile indicated that she didn't seem to mind at all. Her hands even started caressing his cheek, then crawling to the back of his neck.

"You used to do that, too", Steve whispered during those tiny kisses, his voice sounded sentimental. He was out of breath; the desire could be easily heard in his voice. He rested his forehead against Catherine's, and then kissed her on her cheek. He just couldn't stop kissing her, every inch of her body.

"What?"

"Your hands. The way you touched my face. I missed this so much. Catherine, I miss you."

"You talk too much, Boss", Catherine pressed her lips into Steve's lips for another time. The taste of his lips brought her a sense of comfort and happiness.

"Call me Commander. That's one of our things."

"Shut up, "Commander"", Catherine playfully emphasized the word.

"Does it sound familiar to you?", Steve pulled away to look at her, gently brushed her hair falling onto her face, touching her cheek.

"Yes, it actually does", even Catherine was surprised at how easily the word was rolled off in her tongue. "Although I feel a little bit weird ordering a Commander to shut up. Maybe I shouldn't say that."

"This Commander doesn't mind at all, Lieutenant", The taste of Longboard on her lips and the familiar scent of her body drove him crazy. Steve deepened the kiss, his night just got better and better.

"Let's go home, Commander! It's been a long day", Catherine tugged at Steve's hand.

Her simple words tugged at Steve's heart-strings. It reminded him of the day he worked late in the office, and she suggested that he should go home, get some rest. That night, he didn't listen, so she stayed in the office with him, buying coffee and some snack for him, silently offering the support and companionship he missed the most from her. Steve kept wondering how things would be different if that night, he had listened to her, if they had gone home and spent some time together to have some quality talk. Catherine would have been _**his wife**_ now. None of this would have happened. It was all his fault, but for a long time, not only him but everyone else blamed Catherine for leaving.

Steve tightened his hands that were holding Catherine's.

"Come home with me?", Steve took his courage in both hands to ask, it sounded more like a request than a question.

"Yes", Catherine smiled at him.

"You sure you want to do this?"

"Affirmative. I wanted to find my memories on my own, I thought I need some distance, but it's getting harder to control my feelings for you. I can't just hide them anymore."

Catherine's gentle, honest words were a balm to him, he couldn't hide the big grin on his face, "Glad to hear that". He gripped Catherine's hands, brought them to his lips and kissed her palm.

They left the office and headed back to Steve's home, basically couldn't keep their hands off each other on the way home. They arrived at the beach house shortly and started making out once they entered the house. They didn't make it to the bedroom, Catherine insisted the old couch in the living room would be perfect.

She was back. At least this part of her was back. Not only to his life but also his personal life.

That night was the best night Steve has had in years, he had to constantly pinch himself to make sure it wasn't just a dream. He had made love with the woman he loved more than anything else in the world multiple times that night. They were tightly wrapped in each other's embrace, listening to each other's pace of breath to fall into sleep. The last memory of Steve before sleeping was Catherine burying her face against his chest and her arms wrapping possessively around his waist.

Steve woke up with a start when his alarm went off. He couldn't remember when the last time he slept this well was. It felt like a century has gone by. Steve turned to Catherine's side but didn't find her on his bed.

For a moment, Steve was scared that what happened last night wasn't real after all. He had dreamt about reuniting with Catherine thousands of times during the past two years, but they all turned out to be just a dream when he woke up. He reached out to squeeze the pillow next to her and smell it. The familiar scent travelled to his nostril, Steve pulled the blanket up and discovered all the new bruises on his body and the pleasant ache on his backside.

She was back.

The sex was real, his body could serve as excellent evidence of that.

The smell of ragu from the kitchen downstairs calmed him down. Steve smiled, pushing himself to a sitting position, leaning back to the headboard. She was cooking ragu. That meant two things: either Catherine remembered ragu was his favourite food, or Catherine being worried, confused or upset. Ragu was Catherine's comfort food. It calmed her down, concentrated her as much as the songs from Chicago's albums.

Just the thought of Catherine being back on his life, on his bed brought a big smile to Steve's face. Whether she remembered their past or not, they can deal with it later. Together. That's all he needed to believe at that very moment.

Steve got out of bed, threw on a clean underwear and a pair of board shorts he found in his wardrobe. He went downstairs, came to the kitchen but didn't find Catherine. The ragu was done and was ready on the table, but Catherine was nowhere to be seen. Disappointment twisted his gut. The history between them instantly made Steve have his doubt: Has Catherine left him again? No matter how much his logical side defended Catherine, Steve still couldn't get over the fact that she left him when he thought things would work out so well for them, when he thought he was ready to take their relationship to the next level. He was stubborn just like that.

Steve opened the back door and was greeted by the sight of Catherine sitting in one of the old chairs on his back lawn. She was contemplating the scene of the ocean and was lost on her own thoughts, as she didn't even realize he was approaching.

Steve didn't know how long he was standing there, watching her from distance, but he didn't want to disturb her, she deserved some personal space if that's what she needed. Until Steve saw something shiny on the table next to her. The ring. His ring. No, the ring he gave her when he proposed. All of a sudden, he felt this panicky feeling in his stomach, it felt like the world was shattered down to his feet.

"Hey Cath...", Steve hesitated to call her nickname, hoping she wouldn't refuse him calling her like that after what happened last night. Since she came back to Five-0, Steve always tried to be professional and always greeted her by the name "Catherine".

"Hey you. Good morning!", Catherine looked up at Steve, gave him a genuine smile and nodded. At least that made him feel better, maybe it wasn't something as bad as he thought.

"You alright?"

"Sorry, I was just thinking."

"About... us?", his soft voice was soaked with uncertainty.

"About us", Catherine confirmed.

Steve felt a constriction in his chest hearing the sad tone in Cath's voice. He thought the sex last night was very satisfying, apparently, Catherine and he were not on the same page. It hurt him just thinking about that possibility.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Sure."

Steve sat down on the chair next to Cath, wondering where this talk would lead them to.

"Have we ever...had kids?"

"What? No", apparently, Steve didn't expect that very question. He wasn't sure why all of a sudden, Cath would bring up this sensitive topic. At that moment, he realized he had never discussed this with the old Catherine.

"Good. That's good", the words just flew out of her mouth in a hushed whisper, she breathed a sigh of relief. It felt like the weight of the world was released off from her shoulders.

"You don't want to have kids... with me?", Steve hesitated, he wasn't sure he should be this direct. He tried to put on a strong facade in front of Catherine, but he knew he failed miserably.

"No, I'm sorry. It's not what I meant. I didn't mean that", Catherine left her chair, standing up and kneeling down in front of Steve's chair. Her heart broke seeing a mass of vulnerability written on Steve's face. She silently told herself off for being so inconsiderate a couple of minutes ago. She touched his face, forcing him to look at her.

"I woke up early this morning. I wanted to cook something for you. I accidentally saw a picture of you holding a baby girl. You both looked so happy. She looked familiar, too, I tried to remember who she was...", she did vaguely remember something else, like the conversation with Doris on a plane somewhere around the world, the bitter jealousy after an awkward encouter with a woman in a white dress, but the adorable baby girl was the image Catherine wanted to focus on the most.

Catherine was trying her best to hold herself together, but she knew some tears were already making their way to her face.

"I thought that was our daughter. I looked at my old phone and also found pictures of her. I was holding her on my arms. She's beautiful. The more I look at her pictures, the more I feel like I know her. I could even hear her laugh, hear her calling my name. I kept thinking how terrible I would be as a mother if I forgot my own daughter."

Catherine didn't realize she was rambling. That thought scared her, and the fact that the little girl was nowhere to be seen scared the life out of her. What had happened to her? Catherine really couldn't ignore the ache deep down in her heart, until Steve leaned towards her and embraced her tightly.

"Where is she? Who is she?", she whispered into Steve's ears. A shadow of worry and genuine fear clouded her eyes.

"She's in LA with her mother – Mary McGarrett, my sister. Her name is Joan, she's our niece. She called you "aunty Cat", she asked about you every time she visited. She liked you hearing you sing Chicago songs to her."

"So she's safe?"

"Yes, definitely. Except for the fact that she's stuck with her mother", Steve joked, managed to make Catherine let out a soft giggle. He helped her to stand up from her kneeling position, pulled her to sit on his lap, gently wiped out all her tears.

"So... you cooked for me?", Steve changed the subject, trying to completely steer clear of the fading tension.

"I thought I would cook some light breakfast, for you to recover from last night. I got distracted."

"You cook ragu when you're worried or upset", Steve finished the sentence for Catherine. "I thought you regret what happened between us last night."

"Don't, Steve, don't go there! It wasn't like that", she leaned in for a slow, deep kiss, seeking comfort from him and giving him some comfort. "I don't regret what happened. It's my decision. Whatever happens, we do it together, okay?", she wanted to tell Steve she remembered something else but decided it was too early. At least they have many years down the road to figure out her past together.

"Okay", he cleared his throat, trying to regain composure.

"Also, last night was... mind-blowing", Catherine grinned, It was bizarre and overwhelming to realize that Steve was the only one she had sex with in almost 20 years, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. It must have been muscle memories, she didn't need to be told what he liked the most.

"You remember what turned me on the most", Steve whispered in her ears, referring to the moment she smacked his behind several times while calling him "Commander". No one else about his little secret.

"Your secret is safe with me, Commander. Let's get back to the house. Ragu will be cold by now."

"Just five more minutes, Catherine, just five more minutes. I like this", Steve hold her back when she tried to stand up, and Catherine is more than happy to comply. She leaned against him, his chin was on her shoulder. Steve's sigh of contentment tickled the skin on her neck.

"Whatever you want, Steve. I like this, too."

They enjoyed their first morning being back together. Watching the amazing view of the ocean in Steve's backyard. Listening to the gentle waves. Embracing each other's presence. Feeling loved. Thinking about the future.

 _ **Their future.**_

* * *

That's a wrap! Thank you so much for reading!


	16. Chapter 16

**G'day! ~~~**

 **Yayy, long time no see. This is the bonus chapter that I had promised after posting Chapter 15. I didn't think I could do it, but yay I did it. This chapter will reveal the reasons for all the choices Catherine made since season 4.**

 **Also, I got so excited when I finished this chapter, so I actually post without getting someone to proofread this chapter. I hope it doesn't have tons of mistakes kkkk.**

 **Leave a review if you are kind enough. It will make my day!**

 **P.S: I dropped the show a million years ago, so in my version, Five-0 is a team of Steve, Danny, Chin, Kono and now Catherine. No other character can get in the way of that.**

 **-LuckyStar/Catherine-**

* * *

 **Chapter 16:**

It has been three months since Catherine moved in with Steve and the two of them started a fresh new life together. It did not seem to bother them at all – seeing each other all day, at home and at work.

Since the first day Catherine moved in, she realized she knew every single corner in Steve's house without him telling her – where he kept his cups, his books, his kitchen cutlery, his toolbox.

That day on the beach on Steve's backyard, Catherine returned the ring to Steve. He was surprised at first but understood. They decided not to rush into anything right now.

Catherine's office at Five-0

Steve stepped inside the office when Catherine just got off the phone with Simon. He knew Simon occasionally called to check up on Catherine, and he was totally okay with that. Steve did not fully trust the guy the first time they met, mostly because of jealousy. Simon was in Catherine's life in two years that he missed. But over time, Simon earned his respect. Most importantly, Steve trusted Catherine.

It was so hard to say it, especially after everything had happened, at some point he thought he could never fully trust her again. There was nothing worse than not being able to trust the person he trusted more than himself. But Steve's glad that he could feel it again.

"Everything okay?", noticing the change in Catherine's face, Steve asked.

"Everything is fine. Simon just called. I asked him about Greer. He said according to his source, he wouldn't trust this woman. He said we'd better be careful."

"Okay."

Their conversation was interrupted by Chin. Chin just got back from his meeting with the Chief of Pacific Operations and Counterintelligence. Turned out there was a mole inside CIA.

CIA hit too close to home to both Steve and Catherine. Even though Steve had a bad history with CIA, he understood how serious this situation was and was aware of the fact that Doris could be in danger. After what Doris had done for Catherine, Steve felt like it's time for him to return the favour.

The team gathered around the smart table. Steve decided to be the bait, allowing himself to be captured and interrogated, so he could slip the false information to the mole inside the agency. The team tried to talk him out of it, but they also understood why Steve insisted on executing the plan – they could just silently pray the plan would work.

Catherine was confident about Steve's ability, but of all people, she understood how tricky it could be when it came to memories.

Understanding Catherine's concern, Steve moved closer to her, briefly hold her left hand under the smart table and mouthed at her: "Don't worry, Cath, I will be fine."

The team knew their friends needed a private moment, Kono signaled the guys and they happily took the hint. Less than one minute later, Danny, Chin and Kono went back to their own office, each of them going through the materials the Chief just sent through, trying to break down the information and arrange them in time order and category, so it would be easier for Steve to learn in one day.

There were only Steve and Catherine left in the main office.

"Cath, look at me."

Steve ordered, encouraging Catherine to look at him. When she did not move, he used his hands, pressing his right hand against her chin, gently guiding her to look at him.

"I know you're worried. I'm sorry it has to come to this, but I don't see any other option."

"I know, I know, I get it. It's not that I don't trust you, I know if there is anyone who can pull this off, it's you, but it doesn't mean that I have to like it. What if they really mess up with your head, what if you lose your memory? What if you forget about me? About... us?", she knew it was silly, but she couldn't help thinking about that possibility.

"Don't be silly!", Steve tried to enlighten the atmosphere. "You are hard to forget."

"This is the only downside of working with my boyfriend being my boss. Seeing him walk right into danger and I can't even talk him out of it. I really don't like this, but I don't have a choice, do I?"

Steve grinned at the sound of the word "boyfriend" coming from Catherine. He looked at Catherine typing something on the smart table, studying the surroundings of the boat, analysing every single tactical spot the team could hide. She concentrated on something she hoped she could control, to minimise the danger he would be in.

"Also, Catherine, if this is about Greer, you've got nothing to worry about. Don't listen to Danny", he knew Danny had mentioned to Catherine that Greer was flirting with Steve when they were at the crime scene earlier, "It's a two-night-stand thing, one weekend, it was a long time ago, it's ancient history. It was right after my first training, it was way before you."

Catherine stopped typing, turned to smile at him, "Steve, you don't have to justify anything."

"I'm not justifying anything, I'm just saying."

"You are cute when you ramble, Steve", Catherine laughed, but feeling grateful that Steve always found a way to relax her mind, under any circumstance, "but I'm not jealous."

"I want you to be jealous though", he whispered under his breath, "a little bit", he shrugged his shoulder. Someone wise told him once that sometimes, the right amount of jealousy could be beneficial to a relationship. Steve never understood it until now – maybe some jealousy was needed, especially considering they just started their relationship all over again.

Even though Steve was trying to downplay it, he sounded a lot more serious than she thought, so Catherine turned to Steve, giving him her full attention. "Steve, I trust you. That's all I need".

"That's good to know. But FYI, I said that line first", Steve flashed a lopsided grin, remembering the last day Catherine was in the Navy, he reassured her when she asked if he was okay with Billy being her boss. Steve wondered if that line triggered her memory. "And you got my full attention since the moment you stepped into my life."

Catherine broke into a grin, she wasn't exactly fishing for a confession or reassurance but appreciated Steve's honesty. She quickly looked around the office, knowing everyone was wrapping their heads working on the case, she pulled Steve in for a deep kiss. They agreed to be professional at work, but sometimes, situations like this happened and they both knew PDA was acceptable.

"Please be careful!", she murmured between the kisses.

At the end of the day, they still had a case to solve and a mole to catch. Catherine spent the whole night with Steve in the office, helping him study 50 pages of information.

* * *

 _ **2 days later.**_

Waiting outside from the tactical point was the hardest part. It had been more than six hours and they still did not see any signal to move in. Seeing Catherine clearly struggle, Danny and Chin took turn trying to calm her down. But truth to be told, the longer the wait was, the less patient everyone became. They just wanted the night to be over with.

Finally, there was movement. A woman in black came out from the ship. It was Greer. She left in a hurry. It took everything from Catherine to not shoot the woman in cold blood. The thought of Greer betraying the country and torturing Steve pissed Catherine off more than anything else.

The team moved in right after Greer left, with Lou's SWAT team being their back-up. Catherine's only goal was to get to Steve as soon as possible. Kono covered Catherine, while Chin got Danny's back.

Without any difficulty, Catherine moved in to where they tortured Steve, thanks to the blueprint and the pictures Steve got while working undercover. Her heart literally stopped when she saw Steve fighting with another man under water. Without any hesitation, Catherine pulled the trigger, and 30 seconds later, Steve emerged from the water, bruises all over his face yet still looked insanely hot in the ridiculous outfit. Catherine helped him get out of the pool, while all three members of the team rushed into the room and stood behind her.

"Steve, you okay? Look at me. What's my name?", Catherine's trembling voice was soaked with concern. She quickly checked his body for any wound, before focusing on his eyes.

"Steve, what's my name?", seeing Steve look a bit lost and confused, as if he didn't understand her or didn't remember who she was, Catherine felt an immense pain shoot right through her heart, Catherine could feel the tears swelling up on her eyes.

"Catherine Rollins, will you marry me?"

That question came out of nowhere. It was the last thing Catherine imagined she would hear at that moment, it totally took her by complete surprise. She heard Danny mumble under his breath "Seriously? You animal, Steven", but could visualise the big, proud smile on his face without turning around.

It was ten seconds of silence, the longest silence in Steve's life. He did not want to scare Catherine away, considering their current situation, but it just came out of his mouth. That was the very first thought in his brain the moment his eyes laid eyes on her. They did mess up with his head, he thought it was Wo Fat who tortured him. There was a moment Steve thought he came so close to the death. He thought he saw his dad, he thought he came back to the "alternative reality" during his last encounter with Wo Fat.

It has never been more clear to him than that. No matter this reality or the "alternative reality", there was only one woman he wanted to get married and spend the rest of his life with. He could not wait for another day, he was afraid he would die before getting a chance to ask _**her**_.

Catherine Rollins.

The only image appeared in his head whenever he came so close to the death's threshold.

The only image that gave him the strength to keep going. To keep fighting. Every single time.

The only woman that he has ever truly loved.

"Yes".

That one word came out of Catherine's mouth and Steve felt like he could die at this moment with no regret. He let out the breath he certainly didn't realize he was holding back.

"Yes, Steve, there's nothing I want more", she leaned in to kiss him. Happy tears running down her cheeks, her lips brushing against his lips.

She could hear Danny and the team's congratulations behind her back. She could hear Kono's excited voice and feel Chin's tight squeeze on her shoulder.

* * *

 **One week later.**

 **Waimanalo Beach**

"Steve, thank you for coming here", Catherine greeted Steve who was slowly sitting down next to her on the bench. They exchanged a brief kiss, it felt like the most natural thing to do in the world now.

"Of course, what's wrong, Catherine?", just a look at Catherine's face could tell Steve that something was bothering her. That, on top of the fact that she had called in sick after her appointment with her doctor in the hospital and hadn't picked up his calls until the 5th one, when she asked him to meet up at her favourite spot on the island.

"Nothing's wrong, but can I ask you something first?"

"You can ask me anything, you know that."

"Can you turn off your phone, just one time?", Catherine bit her lips, which was quite rare for her, she clearly looked very nervous, "I just feel like this is gonna be a long talk."

Being confused, but Steve happily complied Catherine's request. They deserved privacy some time. As far as he could remember, they hardly had any serious talk without being interrupted by their work. He regretted this every single day after she was gone, wishing he had spent more quality time with her, wishing that they could open up to each other more.

"Steve, I remembered. Everything."

Steve looked at Catherine, could not be able to hide the contentment in his eyes. But also, his palms started sweating as the natural fear crept in and realisation hit him. This also meant Catherine would be able to give him the explanation she had promised to give him before wrapping up her mission.

"When we were working on that case with Greer, when you first came up with the idea of being the bait, I contacted Agent Elizabeth Keen, FBI, she helped me arrange a call with a therapist who is an expert in memory manipulation. At first, I just wanted to make sure the plan we were working on would be flawless. Otherwise, I wouldn't let you walk in there."

"Agent Elizabeth Keen? As in the FBI agent who was on FBI's Top Ten Most Wanted list last year?"

"Yes. We met while I was in CIA, working on a case with FBI. Despite the conflict between two agencies, we actually clicked and stayed friends since then. She's an amazing woman, complicated but amazing. I helped clear her name when she was on the run, so she sort of owed me one."

"After your plan actually worked, I realized I could really use this therapist's help, so I came back to her this morning", Catherine rubbed the ring on her finger, it's a new habit she picked up recently, since she had this ring, as it worked wonders helping her relax. She couldn't help smiling when thinking about the meaning of this ring – their promise for the future and the indication of Steve being her fiancé.

Sensing the worry in Steve's eyes, Catherine quickly apologised, "I'm sorry, Steve, I should have told you, but this is something I have to do on my own. Besides, Elizabeth was there with me the whole time, she made sure to stop the therapist if I couldn't handle the process, so I was in no danger."

Steve nodded to signal her to continue.

"The therapist took me back to the moment when this all started, when I was in the hospital. I'm sorry, Steve, I'm sorry I chose to block you out. Blocking you made all the pain in my heart go away".

Catherine's eyes were starting to redden, the guilt gradually made its way creep all over her body. She couldn't even look at Steve's eyes, he was mentally strong, even when they were messing up with his head, Steve still managed to follow their plan and nailed it, but she chose the easy way out, for her own sake.

"Catherine, will I like where this is going? You don't have to continue if this changes us", he took her hands in his, rubbing her ring finger. The fear of losing her again ripped his heart out.

"Steve, I do have an explanation for every decision I made in the last couple of years, I promised to give that to you, which is exactly what I am going to do. I just think you deserve to know why I did what I did. What happens next, totally depends on you", she took out the ring, giving it back to Steve, giving him the right to decide their future.

"When I woke up, I didn't know where I was, I didn't remember what had happened. I lost track of time, some flashbacks appeared in my head, but in no particular order", Catherine started explaining.

"I remembered you asked if I wanted out of this thing, remembered you asked me to look into your eyes and tell you if I want us to break up. I remembered the disappointment in your eyes when you said I kept choosing the place where you're not. I remembered when you said you couldn't wait for me anymore. I saw Lynn in that beautiful white dress, I remembered the romantic dinner I interrupted between you and her, in your house – the dinner I never had. I remembered feeling jealous, but had no one to blame but myself".

Closing her eyes, Catherine could still feel the bitter, the numbing pain. The echo of Steve's words when he said he couldn't wait for her anymore still resounded in her head, it was so difficult to keep talking without choking.

"I had years, years, Steve", she emphasised, "to dwell in the conversation we had that day, I guess that's why it was the first thing that came back to my head when I woke up, not the promising talk we promised each other before I was captured. It was too fresh, I tried not to think about it too much because I didn't want to mess up my very last mission."

Steve thought back to that day, he admitted to himself that he only said that hoping to change Catherine's decision. He regretted instantly, but his ego was so bruised that he couldn't tell Catherine that he didn't mean any word he said. He was so bitter that he didn't even say how much he loved her.

"I was trying to protect myself. Letting you go seemed to let the pain more bearable. And it worked like magic", she lowed her voice, almost sounded like she was whispering to herself.

Catherine took a deep breath, arranging the thoughts inside her head, but there were too much going on, she didn't know where to begin.

"I lied to you, Steve."

The word "lied" coming out from Catherine's mouth still hurt like hell. Steve raised an eyebrow, waiting for what's coming next.

"I wasn't happy doing what I was doing. I wasn't truly happy with the CIA. How can I be happy when it wasn't even my choice to become a CIA agent? ", she was proud of all the good work she had done for the service, for all the contribution she made to her country, but it didn't change the fact that there wasn't a single day she didn't wish she could be honest with him from the start.

"Lynn was drunk that night, and bitter. I could see her face when she said "Catherine" Catherine? We talked when you were getting your stuff upstairs. She randomly mentioned that you took her out to a fancy sushi restaurant on Valentine's Day, private room, you took time off to go on a getaway weekend with her, you cooked dinner for her. A fancy dinner, with candles and everything, with you cleaning up nicely. All I got was dinner under the sunset, burnt steak, countless breakfasts at Rainbow Drive-In, and reservation at fancy restaurants that we never made it", Catherine thought back about how she tried to contain her jealousy when she and Steve went to rescue his mother, kept her on top of the game, but totally broke down in front of Doris when she had a moment to herself.

"Don't tell me you didn't love it", Steve felt bad that Catherine had to compare herself with another woman in his life, but still tried to tease her.

"Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with you, regardless of what we do together. But I also missed the romantic side of you, the little things you did", Catherine flashed a sad smile, thinking about how thoughtful he was waiting up for her on her first day working with Billy, going to great length to get her the special edition of "Chicago" album, or just simply collecting the plumeria flowers over the years, "But seeing you with Lynn, I couldn't help but being jealous. Somewhere along the way, you stopped doing that", Catherine admitted, sadness flashing in her eyes, "Our jobs always managed to get in our way, I know it wasn't your fault. It got to my head that maybe we were not meant to be together. I sincerely hoped Lynn could offer you a stable life that I couldn't give you, so I gave you my blessing, it was so hard. The selfish side inside me kept asking " _I sacrifice everything for you, to protect you, yet everyone thought I was the bad guy in our relationship. I give up everything, yet you get to move on"._ But Steve, I love you enough to let you go, to set you free."

It hit Steve hard to hear Catherine talking about setting him free. He unconsciously moved a bit closer to Catherine, wasn't sure if he was offering reassurance to himself or to Catherine. Probably both.

"After you left the second time, I had abandonment issues. When I started dating again, I made a mental note to myself that I had to treat the next girl right, so she won't leave me like you did. You know, with Lynn, I tried to be the perfect guy, being romantic and all, but then I realized it was for the wrong reason. I felt guilty that I cheated on her, emotionally. I couldn't get _**you**_ out of my head, even when I slept with another woman. And because of that, I realized how much of a crappy boyfriend I was to you all those years. There wasn't a single day I didn't think about how different it would be if I treated you better. I was such a douchebag. Since you settled down in Hawaii, I started taking you for granted, I didn't put too much effort into the thing we had, because I was too confident that you would never... leave me", Steve's voice soaked with regret.

When they both were still in the Navy, they normally resided in different parts of the country, or even in different nations, so they tried to make the most use of their short vacations, or even just the weekends to be together. But since Catherine moved to Hawaii permanently, never for once, Steve took her on a short vacation or getaway weekend. He was happy with their domestic life together – the life they had never had before – as a couple. He thought it was enough, so he stopped trying to win her heart. They fell into the trap of every couple who has been together for a long time. There were so many nights when he contemplated back and questioned himself if that was the reason she left him.

"Always too confident, too cocky. But Steve, you were right. I would never leave you of my own will. Never", Catherine sighed, looking at Steve, knowing they were about to encounter the most difficult part of this conversation. "I was happy, too."

"Catherine, why did you join the CIA?", Steve finally worked up his courage and asked the single question he had always wanted to ask her for years.

"They actually approached me even before I officially got retired from the Navy, before Billy. My C.O got the words out. But knowing Doris being in the service and how you felt about them, I turned them down. Things were good between us, and I didn't want a job, even if it was the perfect job to get in way of that. I wasn't only talking about the job with Billy, it was also about the CIA", Catherine was referring to the conversation they had in Steve's office years ago.

Steve was taken aback by the information that was unrevealed to him. He couldn't deny the pride swelling in his heart, the pride that Catherine was such a valuable asset to any team. Any team.

"I wanted to get out of the Navy because I was tired of being relocated all around the world. Rumour had it at that time, I was picked to be on the USS Nathan James, Steve."

"Oh my gosh Catherine, it would be a huge honor to serve with Commander Tom Chandler. He's like a legend in the Navy. I had always regretted that he didn't get any chance to work directly with him when I was active."

"Yes, it would be a great step for my career, but the assignment was supposed to be two years. And... I wanted to be here, with you, on this island, full time, you know", Catherine never had the chance to explain why she didn't discuss her plan with Steve before Billy and his big mouth came into the picture. "I wasn't getting any younger, I kind of wanted to settle down, but... wasn't sure if that was what you wanted. We never discussed the future. I couldn't tell you, I didn't want you to think I forced you into something you didn't want. I didn't want you to know that I was so _**ready**_ to choose you, instead of my career in the Navy, I was afraid that you would think low of me, so I kept it cool."

"I would never think low of you. I always assumed that you knew how I felt about you, about us. I was committed since the start, Catherine, how could you not know that?"

"I mean I could see, I could feel, but I was afraid it was just my imagination. Your team was very supportive of us, Danny made it very clear that you were basically a monk whenever I wasn't around, which was very endearing, Steve, but... you never said those three words out loud."

"I am so sorry."

"And when the thing with Billy fell apart, I felt like I lost a purpose. For my whole life, I had orders to follow, I knew exactly what I had to do, but I lost all of that. And you started to keep things from me. You confided to Lou instead of coming to me, so I thought... I thought you didn't trust me enough to confide in me."

Steve thought back about that specific time in his life – their life – when things started falling apart.

"You were going through such a hard time, I didn't have the heart to give you even more burden from me. The truth was after Billy's death, I started having nightmares about Freddie. Remember in Billy's funeral? When I told you "It's not on you", and you asked, "I was supposed to have Billy's back, how is it not on me?". I couldn't answer, because it was the exact same thing I kept telling myself since Freddie died. He died covering me, Catherine", his voice cracked, "I tried to move on from that, but that day, everything came back, I was struggling myself. All the nightmares started again, more frequently. And the worst part was... when you joined Five-0", Steve stopped, trying to calm himself down. Back then, Catherine was his personal therapy, she grounded him, comforted him in ways that no one else could. She used those very words to convince him a chance to move on after Freddie died. The truth was he could never stop blaming himself for his partner's death. It was hard enough for him to see Catherine go through the same thing then, it was even harder to have to tell her that she would never be able to forgive herself. That guilt would _**always**_ come back one day, in the darkest time.

Sensing his discomfort, the flood of his emotions, Catherine reached out and held his hands in her hands, leaning a bit closer to his body, which instantly made it a little bit easier for his mind to function. He continued, his voice trembling, "I was thrilled at first, about us working together, seeing each other every day, every hour. But having you working under my orders was harder than I thought. The worst thought started creeping into my mind, what if we worked together and I couldn't have your back? It was tough to watch any member of Five-0 get injured, but I went crazy seeing you get shot, even if it was just a graze. I started having dreams about you dying in my arms, how could I _possibly_ tell you something like that?", it made him sick just thinking about these nightmares.

"I really wish you had talked to me, Steve, I had no idea", Catherine leaned towards Steve, pressing her face in his neck, "thing would be so different if we... just talked... like this. I legit thought we were taking a step backward, I thought you were falling out of love with me. I didn't even know if you loved me as much as I did. As much as I do. I didn't feel like I was needed", Catherine visualised the day she said goodbye to him the second time, still feeling the dull ache in her heart as if it was just yesterday. She meant part of what she said, including the part she wanted to feel needed.

"Don't say that, Catherine. I had never fallen in love with any other woman since you stepped into my life. I always knew, I was just too afraid to make it official". He always lost the people he loved, at some point, he once believed he was cursed until Catherine made her way into his life.

Catherine shushed Steve by giving him a sweet, slow kiss. They could taste the saltiness of each other's tears, but it calmed both of them down. Steve embraced Catherine as tight as he could, they both held on each other for dear life.

"The CIA came to me again, after Billy, after Najib, when I was in Afghanistan. They offered to help, in exchange for my service. I turned them down again, but they didn't give up that easily. This time, they spilled the beans, saying that you killed a top CIA agent, someone very powerful, one of National Security advisor's associates. He ran CIA black ops, Doris's ex-boss. At first, I didn't believe them, because you never ever mentioned him to me, until they showed me the footage", she remembered how confused she was when she watched the footage of Steve pulling the trigger. The day she rescued him from the collapsed building.

He was acting weird that whole week. They gathered for dinner at Kamekono's shrimp truck one night. Catherine could tell there was something bothering Steve, she could always tell. But he just shook it off when she asked and left. Her gut was telling her Steve was hiding something from her, which made her question the status of their relationship even more. The next day, when he was stuck inside that collapsed building, for a moment, she thought she had lost him. Her mind went to a very dark place. The moment she heard his voice on the phone and could confirm he was alive, she made a vow to herself that no matter what, she would stay by his side, waiting patiently until he was ready to share his secrets with her again. She decided to trust him unconditionally, trust that he respected her enough to talk to her if he really wanted to end the thing between them.

But eventually, things went sideways. They grew apart. Looking back, it has been five years since they could just... confide to each other.

"It was treason, Steve, and they had proof. Just because he didn't tell you the information you were after doesn't make it okay for you to kill him. I don't think the Governor could protect you. The CIA could turn your life upside down so easily, all of your sacrifice and contribution to this country would go wasted, I couldn't let that happen to you, Steve", Catherine closed her eyes for a moment, trying to adjust her shaky breath so she wouldn't burst into crying. Over all these years, she never had a chance to explain herself to the person on the receiving end of her sacrifice. Steve McGarrett.

Looking at Catherine, Steve only saw the determination being written clearly on her face. The determination to protect him at all costs. And he spent the last couple of years trying to put all the blame on her, trying to move on from her?

"They convinced me they wouldn't charge you with treason if I agreed to join the service. Have you ever questioned why they let such a homicide slide? It took a lot more than you being THE Doris McGarrett's son."

Steve went numb. A lot of things had happened after that day, with Catherine leaving, he was busy dealing with his mess, emotionally. Steve never questioned why no one went after him after he killed Edward Cobb. In fact, he didn't even know how powerful he was, Edward Cobb was just an ex-CIA on paper. Steve was just angry that that bastard set his team up and killed two innocent people.

"Steve, I am really, really sorry that I went behind your back. But I don't regret what I did. If I could choose again, I would still do what I did. I don't see any other way to get out of the situation you were in. I didn't have a choice. I thought I was protecting you."

"You should have told me, we could have faced it together."

"They specifically told me not to tell you."

"So you sacrificed yourself? Your career? Your personal life?"

"You were worth it, Steve. You would have done the same thing for me. You could have lost _**everything**_ if I did nothing."

"But I wouldn't lose you", his stomach filled with bitterness and a dull ache. "I lost the most important thing that ever happened to me the day you left."

Steve looked at Catherine, whispering, but she just stared at the ocean. He quietly watched the beautiful fragile lieutenant sitting in front of him. She's so close yet so far away. It seemed that she's lost herself in some trains of thought. So focused. So fragile. So vulnerable.

"Catherine, look at me."

When she didn't listen, Steve's heart clenched so hard, he stood up and kneeled in front of her, leaned in and took her breath away. The kiss conveyed better than anything he had to say.

"I'm sorry", he murmured among all those kisses, "My ego was bruised. I couldn't see things clearly. All I saw was you left because I wasn't enough."

"I'm sorry, too, Steve. It's so hard to deal with myself when I remember everything. All the guilt. How can I ever forgive myself? I wasn't there for you when you almost died, when the whole Wo Fat thing happened, the liver surgery. I lost 5 years being in your life."

"Catherine, don't go there. We can't change the past. You were there for me, all the time, at least right here", he guided her hands to place them on his heart, "I keep you right here. An untouchable place."

Nothing hurt Steve more than seeing the uncertainty and guilt in Catherine's eyes.

"Listen to me. Yes, I admit you hurt me, repeatedly, but you also saved my life the moment we locked eyes. I don't know why you can't forgive yourself. Catherine, you pulled me out of every dark point. You protected me even when I didn't ask you to. You're my hero. You make me human", he tightly squeezed her hands. She could read the honesty in his sparkling blue eyes. "I almost forgot how to cry since my mom's death. You taught me how to fear of losing someone important to me. You reminded me that I can be loved, very much loved. You proved to me that not everyone will leave me alone, because you will always be there for me."

"But I didn't. I left. And after everything, I chose the easy way out – to forget about you, to protect my own ass."

"But here you are, right now. You left, and you came back."

He put the ring back into her finger.

"This is still my decision", he pulled her left hand into his mouth and gently kissed her finger where the diamond ring was, "Please do not, do not take it out one more time. Third time is the charm. I would like you to be my wife, me being your husband, if that's what you make you happy, too."

"So you forgive me, just like that? I broke your trust. It's very important for me to know if you can trust me again, Steve."

"Yes, let's move past all of that. I trust you. And I love you. I'm in love with you. I should have said this a long time ago."

Catherine broke into a smile – the most beautiful smile Steve has ever seen. It lightened up his world. In one moment, Steve felt like he defeated the world.

"When you decided to move in with me – again, even when you forgot everything about us in the past, I told myself that I would take whatever second chance God gave me. It doesn't matter what we did to each other in the past, I love you, and I know you feel the same way, and it's enough. I'm glad you fall in love with me again, just like the first time. I knew how it felt to live without you, so if I could have another chance, I would be happy to. Besides, I feel like your side of the story pretty much changed everything. Now I feel like the bad guy in this relationship, the douchebag whose ego is too big that he couldn't see anything clear and played the victim the whole time. And Catherine, I'm sorry."

"Is it one of our things now? Keep saying Sorry?", Catherine touched his lips, caressing his brows.

"I never realize how difficult it was to be left behind, being helpless, being kept in the dark. Waiting is pretty much all I can do, and I don't even know how long I have to wait. I put you in that position for so many years, when I was a SEAL, being out there, jumping in the most dangerous classified missions around the world. I never asked if you were okay with me going on that mission. You never complained. You made it look so easy, so effortless, you were always being supportive and understanding. And I took that for granted."

"Look, it's your job and I perfectly get that. I have never blamed you. Never."

"That's why I love you, that's why I realize how selfish I was. I am the one who doesn't deserve you. You never asked me to choose between you and my job, even when I always put my job first, yet the moment you wanted something on your own, I was quick to judge you. Throwing you under the bus instantly. Accusing you of _always_ choosing some place that I'm not. Saying things to hurt you on purpose, hoping it could change your mind." He said he couldn't wait anymore, and the truth was he spent the next three years trying to move on from her, hooking up with every attractive woman who showed interest. He casually dated Ellie, Lynn, Alicia, had a one-night stand with a woman he met on a flight, well, with a lot of women while dating Lynn, for that matter. He disgusted himself, he became the kind of guy he loathed – the player, "I never had the chance to say how sorry I am. I feel like a son of a bitch for hurting you. The whole time, I thought I was the only one who got hurt, I never realized how much I hurt you."

"Steve, you know what, I think it's time we make a new promise to each other."

Their first promise was "Be careful".

"Yeah?"

"That we won't say Sorry this often. We forgive each other. Deal?", she continued.

"As much as I still think of myself as a douchebag, that promise sounds cool. I will try my best."

"Good, I'm counting on that."

"You wanna go home?"

"Can we take a short walk first? And you can turn your phone back on if you like", Catherine pointed at Steve's cell phone.

"Catherine, I think it's time for you to be less selfless, okay? Pretty sure this island can survive for one day, without me working. I will put you first every now and then", Steve joked, winking at his future wife.

"Cool, I like it."

Catherine smiled. They took a stroll along Waimalona Beach, hands in hands, entwining their fingers.

"Steve, can I ask you for a favour?"

"Anything, Cath."

"Can you... at least try to mend the relationship with Doris?", being able to work with Doris occasionally definitely made them closer. Catherine got a chance to see the story from Doris's side, too. "Every story has three sides: your side, her side, and the truth, it is unfair to just look at things from one individual perspective. Yes, the truth is she faked her own death, she left you, she hurt you big time, but on her defense, she thought she was doing the right thing to keep you, all of you, safe. She could have stayed, knowing one day, any day, her enemy would hurt you and Mary, or leaving, watching you from a distance, protecting you both", Catherine remembered the only time Doris really opened up to her. Doris always kept things to herself, never explained despite how everyone thought of her. Going through the exact same thing, Catherine understood Doris more than ever before.

"You know what, Catherine, I haven't mentioned Doris in a long time, but I forgive her now. It's been a while I don't feel any resentment towards her. It still hurt me to think about how she abandoned us, me and Mary, but growing older, I also see how difficult it must have been for her. I appreciate her looking out for you and trying to bring us back together. I'm willing to welcome her back to my life now, but I'm not sure if she can do the same thing."

"Next time she calls, tell her that, ask her to come home", Catherine smiled, kissing his cheek, "and tell her our good news, too", she looked down at her left hand, couldn't contain the happiness travelling through her whole body.

"Catherine, you can officially call Doris "Mom" now", Steve grinned, teasing Catherine.

"I would like that, actually, but only if you make peace with her. Only if you are okay with it."

"I'm perfectly okay with it".

They kept walking, filled each other in about what had happened in the last couple of years. Catherine told him about her life in the CIA, except for all the classified details, which were the majority. She was a part of some really big missions he had heard of in recent years. Or the ones that he had never heard of. Steve was just in awe of Catherine's excellent contribution to their country. While he was running around protecting Hawaii, thinking he was the hero, she was the one who was protecting the whole country, yet being accused of being the bad guy by everyone around him.

"So... was that true that you were seeing someone?", Steve carefully brought up the topic.

"You know... it was a bit hard to see someone doing what I was doing", she said that when they were in the aircraft on their way to save Doris, "I lied. I only said that because I saw you with Lynn, I didn't want you to feel guilty."

"What's the deal with Simon then?"

"Steve, where does that come from?", she stopped, shifting uncomfortably.

"Hey, sorry, don't get mad", Steve pulled her back when she was about to pull her hands out of his.

"I'm not mad... I'm just... Simon, he's a great friend. He's like a brother to me."

"He loves you, you know that?"

"Yeah, but I love _ **you,**_ just as simple as that", Catherine always knew Simon's feeling for her, but she wasn't ready then. Unlike Steve, she was never ready to move on. Never wanted to. "So it doesn't matter how he feels about me. Steve, you don't need to be jealous."

"Catherine, I trust you, completely. I'm just sad that he was there for you when we were not together – having your back, protecting you. He was doing **my** job. And he never hurt you the way I did. That's hard to compete, you know."

"That's true. But you have the rest of your life to try harder, to make me happy, Commander", Catherine smiled, putting her hand above his ass, resting her hand there. Gosh, she missed this.

"Yeah, the rest of my life sounds really good."

"What about you? Tell me all of your dark secrets, Sailor."

"I haven't talked to anyone about this, but I thought I saw my dad."

"Really? How? When they almost drowned you?"

"No, not this time. After Lynn broke up with me. It hit me hard when everyone else could tell I'm still in love with you. I hated it no much how much I tried to hide, it was so easy for people to tell. Well, except for Lou, he still thought Lynn was good for me, but what does he know? He didn't even know us. You left, again, Lynn wasn't there anymore, I didn't know what to do, but I knew I was done with jumping at another woman. Needed to keep my dick in my pants, you know", Steve shook his head, making fun of himself, "I drove past Sans Souci State Recreational Park, and all of a sudden, just wanted to spend some time there. We spent so much time in that park during my childhood. Four of us, me, Mary, Doris, and my old man. That was where my dad first asked Doris out on a date."

Catherine smiled. When she first stationed in Hawaii, she wandered around, discovering the city and got lost. When Steve called to ask where she was, she just simply told him "a park full of plumeria flowers" and he instantly knew the place.

"I was trying to reach you, but no luck. Didn't want to go home, didn't want to hang out with the team either – I had another fight with Danny, I just needed to be alone, cleared my head. I had never felt so lonely like that. I can't explain, but seeing dad and talking to him that day... it felt so real", it was just like the day he thought he saw his dad on the street after his team solved the hookman case several years ago.

"What did you two talk about?", Catherine caressed his back in soothing circles.

"Dad told me to listen to my heart. Because only me would know what really makes me happy. He told me when Doris was dead, he thought his life was over. She was the love of his life. People surrounding us kept telling him to move on, but he didn't want to, never did. I asked if he knew Doris's alive, whether he's mad at her, he smiled and told me he's happy for her. Just happy that she's alive, doing what she loves doing, doing what she's good at. He has never blamed her for what happened. The least selfish man I know. Turned out he knew about Doris's CIA past, and he respected her decision. I didn't understand how he could forgive Doris, but when I experience the same thing with you, I totally get it."

Catherine looked at Steve, nodding to acknowledge her understanding and gratefulness.

"That was the first "advice" he gave me since I moved away. I don't even know if it's a dream or not... It just... feels so real...", Steve was still very confused thinking about that experience.

"There are a lot of things we can't explain, Steve. I guess that time was one of those. Don't try to understand it, just embrace it."

"Yeah", Steve pulled Catherine in for a quick kiss. Everything she said just tended to make his head clearer.

"Doris said you guys talked a lot when you worked together. You probably know my mom more than I do. Tell me everything about her", Steve demanded. Catherine was still the only one he could talk to about anything without the fear of being judged.

They had all the time in the world, well, at least for now – when Steve turned off his phone, so they wouldn't be interrupted. Catherine took her time filling Steve in everything Doris told her.

"While John spent the rest of his life trying to find out the killer, Doris also never moved on. She still kept your father's ring. She tried things out with Mick but couldn't take it to the next level. Do you know back then, she didn't want your dad to stay single forever, so she asked your Uncle Joe to convince your dad to find another woman, John didn't want to listen, and they didn't talk for a good year?"

All Steve could remember from his childhood was his parents were happily married. He realized there were a lot of things he didn't know about his dad.

"I didn't know that. I was probably already away when that happened. I didn't talk to my dad that often", it was always a regret for Steve that he didn't get a chance to know about his own parents.

"After everything that had happened, I realize Joe had a thing for my mother. Do you think she wants my permission for her to move on?", Steve brought up the question, it was a little hard not to notice the way his Uncle Joe White looked at his mother. Full of respect. Full of endearment.

It was uncomfortable for him at first, but if both of them have feelings for each other, then he would be willing to give them his blessing.

"I thought you didn't know."

"Of course I know. Reading people is my job."

"The first day you introduced me to your mother, Doris noticed the same thing", Catherine grinned thinking back about how Doris teased them, _"unless it's apparent"._

"Of course, CIA and everything. And she's my mother, mothers always know best."

Steve leaned in to seal her lips, enjoying the sweet taste of her lips. Even after so many years being together, every Catherine's kiss still turned him on. Every physical touch from her still did wonders to his body.

"That day, she asked me if I loved her son", Catherine pulled back a little, her hand still on his cheek, the twinkles were obvious in her eyes.

"Wow, Doris... I'm glad you didn't run away after that", Steve laughed, shaking his head, but couldn't help teasing her, "So... do... you... love... her... son?". Each word was accompanied by a kiss. His voice was full of emotions, his hands tightened against her waist.

"Yes, I did, I do, and I will always love him", she made her vow, flashing him the most beautiful smile, "I already told him more than 10 years ago, but he never knew."

"Such an idiot!", Steve thought back about her birthday present when he turned 30. Both of them burst into laughing.

Steve couldn't resist another kiss. A kiss on her forehead. On her eyes. On her nose. And his lips stayed longer on her lips. A slow, gentle kiss turned into a more passionate, heartfelt kiss.

Kissing her was his favourite thing to do. He still had butterflies in his stomach imagining himself kissing her for the rest of his life. He could feel his heart doing a little dance of its own.

For sure, she wasn't the first girl he kissed.

But she definitely was the kiss that mattered the most.

They couldn't wait to get home to have sex, they both were craving for each other's body, so they made love right there, at the back of Steve's blue truck.

After a satisfying sex and a promise for more, Steve drove them to the National Cemetery where John McGarrett was buried and spent the rest of their afternoon there. Catherine was the only girl he brought to this special place. Ellie was here to visit, but not _with_ him. He was with Lynn the whole year last year, but every time she asked, he said he was busy and couldn't find the time to bring her to his dad's grave.

That was the first time Steve introduced Catherine to John McGarrett as his soon-to-be daughter-in-law.

He then called Doris to break the news. To tell her Catherine would be her daughter-in-law very, very soon. To tell her that he _**wanted**_ her to come home. He wouldn't take no for an answer this time. After a long-stretched silence, he could hear the sniff from the other side of the call, and his mother eventually couldn't hide her very emotional state. She finally said "Yes". She was coming home.

He couldn't be any happier that he got another "Yes" from one of the most important women in his life.

He called Mary to let her know her family would be whole again, with their mother, with her new sister-in-law.

Holding Catherine's hands in his hands. Things had never felt more right in his life in that very moment.

* * *

 _ **The next morning.**_

McGarrett's residence.

"Good morning, Lieutenant."

"Well, good morning, Commander."

"Can I tell you something?"

"Yeah, I'm all ears."

"You are so, so beautiful, Mrs. McGarrett", he wanted to say so much more to compliment the sight for sore eyes before his eyes, but seemed to lose his verbal ability. Well, at least he could utter the whole sentence this time, instead of just triple "Wow". "So beautiful."

"Wow, you're definitely getting soft. And cliche. But I like this. Where do you think flattery will get you?", she playfully smacked his marvelous round ass.

"I'm thinking... one more time?"

With that, he dived in and spoiled her with all the sweet kisses.

They would never have to spend another day apart. They would be each other's gravity, keeping each other in check. For eternity.

* * *

 _P.S: When I wrote this chapter, I thought Sans Souci State Recreational Park was the location that Steve gave Catherine the flower back in season 2. But when I went to Hawaii earlier last month, I accidentally found out the location. It was a beach park close to Trump International Hotel, opposite DOD – just couldn't find the exact spot they filmed that scene. I don't know the name of this park though, so I will just keep Sans Souci State Recreational Park as I had written down._

Thank you soooo much for reading till the end ~~~ Mahalo!


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